Secret Wire Tap Used In Governor Spitzer Sex Investigation

By Ronaldo Horacio Mexico, Dissociated Press Writer ALBANY - Until earlier this morning, newly-deposed New York Governor Eliot Spitzer had no idea how his paper trail had been followed so meticulously without even the slightest of indication to himself or his staff. State Detectives Lester Freamon and James McNulty provided a bit of clarity for the disgraced official in a media session today. "Well, we've been on his money trail for some time now," Freamon told a slew of reporters on hand at the Albany State House. "It took a lot of effort and particular attention to detail to bring this one in. Fortunately for us and the people of New York, the State Police Department provided everything we needed in a timely fashion to keep our wire tap alive. I'm grateful to work in a department that is entirely devoted to police work." Detective Freamon's comment has been perceived to be a thinly-veiled stab at the noted incompetence of he and McNulty's previous employer, the Baltimore Police Department. "We're not here to talk about that. If anything I owe the city of Balitmore my career. Working there for nearly a decade gave me the tactical experience to do my job here with the New York State Police," McNulty deflected. "I'll gladly answer any question about the investigation at hand. Those who abuse their power and the trust of their constituency deserve reprecussion. They don't get to win. We get to win." The arrest and emergence of details surrounding the case come as a surprise to most as it is common knowledge that the department's top priority has been counter-terrorism. The now seven-year-long initiative has absorbed nearly eighty percent of the departmental operations budget. Even the newly-deposed governor was taken aback. "Sheeeeeeeeeeit!" Spitzer lamented while making his way out of the State House for the last time as head magistrate. "I don't even know where they got the funding or the manpower to listen to my calls and watch the women. I'm at a loss for words at this time." Spitzer's clammed tongue isa recent development as sordid details of his exchanges with various sex workers have been made public. Through transcripts the one-time Attorney General is depicted as a vocal and aggressive sexual deviant whose requests included unprotected sex and fecal play. "The great irony comes in that a man known almost exclusively for his pursuit of the abuse of funds designated for municipal use could be mired in a scandal of this nature," added political analyst and Obama campaign strategist A Pimp Named Slickback. "Still there's a matter of far greater importance at hand. We can't be havin niggas out on the streets forcing hoes into raw dog situations like that. That's bad for everyone." As a disgraced Eliot Spitzer leaves the State House, history will be made this week as Lieutenant Governor David A. Paterson is expected to be sworn in as New York's governor for the remainder of the current term. Of course, the first question they ask a nigga is if he had any invovlement in the skeet-flavored fuckery staining the chair he is slated to assume. "I didn't see shit," Paterson assured.

Flavor of Love 3: "Bigger, Blacker & Skankier"

Do you all realize how much time we've spent on the Flavor Flav reality franchise? Not even including his season of "The Surreal Life" and "Strange Love," we've seen a 2 "Flavor of Love" installments, 2 seasons of "I Love New York" and a "Charm School" for the castaways. I'm really all Flavored-out. That's a lifetime's worth of coonery crammed into a few short years. I don't know why I didn't think stooch harvest could get any skankier than the Season 2 crop. Following recent market trends in reality ho television, I should have assumed the greasiest of project lobby boppers would find their way to the VH1 casting couch. I'm sorry for keeping you guys waiting so long to dig into them. Let's get into it. In honor of Black History Month (and Blent in my case) Flavor decides to "empower" the contestants by allowing them to choose their own nicknames this season. Much like the 40 acres and mule we've never seen, this chewed-up California Raisin far from keeps his promise. Only the light-skinned ones that work in the house get to keep their names. Speaking of slaves, it's nice to see that John Thompson-lookin molestin-ass Big Rick back. Ah, we laugh for a second, and then it hurts. I refuse to learn and [im]properly spell most of these names (i.e.: "Myammeeee"), so this season you're gonna have to just ride with me. I might just describe them by physical attributes or what I think they should be referred to as. Why is Flavor frontin like the big white woman ain’t the black man’s fantasy? I'm not saying it's mine, but every time I go to the mall I see Jamal walking down the strip holding hands with a girl just like Peechee but not even as cute. Jamal's smiling his ass off too like he just came up on a lifetime's supply of pork rinds. Maybe he did. I can tell the twins apart. One of them looks like she got hit in the mouth with a hot tire iron. Sadly, that's the one with the tighter body. Historically Flavor has shown that he doesn't discriminate on the othrodontically challenged. His doing so would be the pot calling the kettle "nigger" anyway. I don't know if I could rock with being referred to as a "Thing," but hey... you're already a Flavor of Love contestant. You might as well roll with whatever Nickelodeon slime they toss down on your head. Hotlanta is actually one of the cutest girls on the program. She's been through some shit, obviously, but she cleans up pretty nice. She's got 3 kids at home she's neglecting for this and she's one of my early horses. I'm gonna count Mylanta AKA "My Mama Was On Flavor of Love" as a top 5 player. My homie Diablo straight up called this next one. When Tik hit the screen wearing all them damn Swatches my nigga said: "Bitch lookin like Roz from 'Night Court.'" That's why I fucks with this nigga. He's the only nigga I know besides CBW who could beat me to a Marsha Warfield reference. I know Tik had to eat a lot of fucking Honey Nut Cheerios and send in a LOT of UPCs for all 30 of them watches she got hanging on for dear life by the last latch. Speaking of early references, before we got to parlay it ourselves, the producers and editors made sure to give us the "Shy" and New York comparison. First of all, Shy is a horseyface. You might rub up on her in a dark nightclub when you're ripped off of Incredible Hulk, but not in broad daylight and shit. I bet she really is "a fresh of breath air" like she says, though. She just looks like she got that chronic Newport breath. On the alone time tip, Rayna really tried to bullshit Flavor. He may have had himself a few coketails, but damn... I'm sure he remembers why he wears that effin clock. Bitch pulled a Damon Wayans in prison on "In Living Color." I went to school with a girl just like that. I could imagine before English class, she'd be in the bathroom just chanting to herself in the mirror. "Belieeeeeeeve the bullshit. Belieeeeeeve the bullshit." Couch time got a little cozy with the Oompa Loompas. I'll tell you what, Peechee had her big girl game ON. I gotta give her respect for having the courage to spit it like Flavor was any other dude she was diggin. What's up with Seesinz's voice? I bet you this girl is an R&B singer. If not, she just got herself a wicked portfolio piece for voiceover work. Shy, whose voice works over my nerves, needs to quickly learn that snitchin is a successful strategy on I Love New York… not Flavor of Love. Why did all of these hoes have a damn rap for Flavor? Grayvee’s weave is terrible and she looks like a dude I know. I hear her rappin about the titties. Foofy need to listen out for verse two where she talk about the dick. She also might have some ulterior motive for being on the show. I think she's working or KFC or some kind of chicken sponsor. Nigga fuck around and come back with that bird flu. I didn't wanna be too hard on Ice for stumbling on words. He's not exactly working with MENSA members here. Vanilla Ice might just be a “I don’t know” type of person. You know. Like how niggas start off every sentence with “nome sane?” I don't expect much more from a Detroit radio personality. Elimination Notes: I guess the damn twins do count as one contestant. I was wondering about that. The funny thing is, he chose the one with the fucked up teeth first! Nigga is gonna have to start doing gum checks like back on the auction block. This is a crazy precedent, letting Skeezle Dee and Skeezle Dum share a chain. I wonder how this continues to play out. Yes, Peechee. You're going home. Yes, Peechee. Your purpose is to go make BBW porn. Don't worry. There's a black guy out there for you somewhere. To the internet winners: Just because you had your whole housing project voting for you at the library doesn’t mean you deserve to be there. The funny shit is that Flavor really believed the internet fans "loved" him. I guess he's too high on that shit to know that NO ONE LOVES HIM!!!! There's usually a surprise cast-off on the first episodes of these things. There damn sure was not this time. Internet bitches, big bitches and underbite bitches all must go. Crazy ass Tik fulfilled Flavor's big girl quota. I'm picking Bee-Ex as my early favorite. She makes the most sense early on. Though i'd test drive the Bunz on the way. Prancer looks like a lame-ass Holly Robinson and could pull the Hoopz on homie. He ain't too bright. Looks like I'll be able to take a week off at some point this season as the hoes are gonna roast each other! I can't wait. We'll get caught up with the "Playin' Doctor" episode ASAP.

I Love New York: The Reunion (CFBE)

What does CFBE stand for? ...--We'll get to that a little later. I almost forgot that VH1 is obliged to bring the bitch niggas back together for one last self-contained, entirely unintentional roast hosted by Carmelo's sleepy-eyed KB. I know the LaLa jokes have been beaten like a foster daughter but I'll be damned if her tired ass didn't look like she just had the baby that morning. You, yet again, are about to host the reunion episode of America's greatest guilty pleasure. You mean to tell me you ain't have time to go get you a wash-and-set? You let Carmelo do your makeup or something? The shit looks like a color-by-number drawing of RuPaul. You couldn't go see the Asians for the pre-game workup? Facial, manicure, pedicure? You ain't have time for a little "Herrowwwww, Ra-Ra!?" Caramello must got you busy in the candy factory, huh? I hope VH1 doesn't really believe that "I Love New York" viewers are necessarily New York fans. Sure, there is a subset of strange individuals that genuinely adore Tiffany Pollard as her New York character presents. There is a far larger percentage of viewers who are viewers because it is human nature to slow down and watch a 7-car collision with a very high likelihood of fatalities. The first man-whore presented was the entire case for fetal fatality. Larry Fishburne's acting coach and adviser, It. NORE's Cousin It brought a cinder block and bricks to break. After actually breaking the cinder block and bricks with his mighty retard hand, he asserted to New York, his one true love "I'm trynna show you what I could do." Please. My brother Brillo show.-- With mighty strength and skill come a mighty retardation. As the program was obviously divided into segments with specific timestamps, It wasted zero time in making me dazedly stammer to myself "Oh, my god. This nigga brought cold french fries in a box." I'd like to think I'm not alone there. Even white people had that reaction. Don't lie to me, Amanda. Speaking of abominable miscegenation, Sister Patterson is what Uncle Ruckus was talking about when he said "anyone could put lipstick and a wig on a monkey." There's no way this shit is for real. VH1 has gone full-on WWF. I mean like WWF in the 80s when Hulk Hogan, Macho Man, Jake the Snake, Ravishing Rick Rude, Bret "The Hitman" Hart, Ted Dibiase and Koko B. Ware (when whitey wasn't looking) were all trying to put their shriveled-up 'roid weenies all up in Miss Elizabeth. So, seriously? Champion is diggin Sister Patterson out?! She's a ManBearPig and this nigga look like Shawn Wayans on that Roger Clemens. I know what happened here. He caught a glimpse of them stretchmarks and it was over. He was all Ray Lewis on it. Number 52's number had been called and he had to get in there. It was sickening how Champion defiled homegirl's moms on TV like that. The whole crowd went all Springer on it. They gave him pounds and shit. Hmmm. Maybe it was closer to a Maury crowd. Without even an attempt at a worthwhile transition, as Lala has already been dickslapped several times by the teleprompter (because she's horrible), we proceed to the best reality dating character ever. In the first episode, standing among the... you know... normal men, Midget Mac had a face like a scrappy little pitbull. He saw Sister Patterson and sensed her evil. It hasn't let up. He still wants to bark on her, maybe tell her to suck his full-sized midget dick. Yeah, Sister Patterson. Slob on that dwarfy cane. Speaking of cane, they made it clear that they brought Wolf's old inarticulate ass back in front of a camera to settle that little matter of swinging the Hillshire Farms kielbasa. Looking like Flesh N Bone home on a furlough, Wolf mumbled incoherently an agreement to step behind a curtain with Sister Patterson to show her if his dick was anything special. They should have gone full-on Crying Game. Have Sister Patterson whip her shit out. "Now, that's a big dick, you ass-backwards country shit." Thank whoever you pray to that the moron didn't take his cock and balls out. Dick shows always get Sister Patterson a little antsy in the pantsy. Once she gets that syrup in her, there's no stopping that ManBear. Thankfully, she's riled up just in time to greet those low-class Guinea fucks from the restaurant. After watching the VH1 mini documentary, "A Day In The Fuckin Life Of Frankie Goombas," New York was certain she made the right decision. Could you imagine Frankie and that moolie broad Tiffany fucking in the Pizzigniolirella basement? In that town, it'd be the equivalent of Frankie boning Grace Jones. At least that's what all the neighbors who watched through that big ass window with no shade think. Frankie's dad really got it in on "Mister Patterson." I'm pissed. Why didn't I think of that? I also should have known she was a fucking dominatrix. It's the costume she wore to the party. It all came together. At first I thought she was going for some Prince, or maybe that she rode a horse to the show. It couldn't be any clearer now. Speaking of horses worn and beaten, I'm starting to feel terrible about this. Maybe LaLa's neither stupid nor a terrible actress. Maybe she just one of many inner-city youths with an undiagnosed vision problem. You can help. Join Ron Mexico City in the fight to get every kid in the projects to an eye doctor so J.J. can stop putting Diamond Crystal table salt with MSG on his Rice Chex. I don't like Punk & Buddha as the new NWA man-wrasslin' tag-team champions. Punk seems to forget that Buddha doesn't respect him in the least. Buddha seems to forget that Punky Booster played Runteldat to New York the entire second half. Millione made sure he got his face time though. I'm just upset that they so obviously pitted a low-grade contestant pawn up to Buddha just for the sake of stirring up shit. It was like that time that fan got involved in the Million Dollar Man fight and they kept him in the federation. Maybe that's how Millione gets into "the show." Noteworthy Faces in Crowd: White guy with grills, Anthony Anderson look-alike. Solomon Wise tried to deliver Tailor his come-uppance during the "I Have A Dream" speech. That's some trife shit, for sure. Too bad his aim is terrible. His shit worse than Mike Vick. It's so terrible that I couldn't envision him ever engaging in self-defense. Wise would get his shit cracked missing by that wide a margin. Not only did he miss the punch by a mile, but he overshot the landing like Chester Cheetah. He absolutely drilled the back of that chair, though. Grade: D-. Booooooo, Mr. Wise! You should have cracked Tailor Made when he spit on you. Buddha hit him for a lot less and was allowed to stay. Neither New York nor VH1 management can say shit about that. They've let this shit get Springer on every level possible. As we leave this season's reunion episode with the title "Corniest, Fakest Bullshit Ever," I'd like to take the time to recognize VH1 Celebreality's first actual success story. No, not that Tailor Made and New York are still together and madly in love at the time of the reunion episode. We've managed to avoid finding New York pregnant with Tailor Made's baby. Flavor of Love 3 is right around the corner. You deeeig?!

I Love New York 2: Finale Sunsplash!

Dem a call us piraaaates. Dem a call us illegal protesters. Just because we blog what the people want. Welcome to Jamaica, where slavery apparently still exists. "I don't know what the hell I'm going to do on this plantation." - New York Really? So you don't like the plantation, Miss New York? Eh, don't worry. You're already a slave. Not no classy slave like Thomas Jefferson's bitch. No, you're that sweaty, broke-down, back of the chicken coop slave with wheat stalks dangling from her nappy mane pretending to be blond like massa's wife and daughter. Yes. I said it. "Tailor Made buys me nice gifts. Buddha got me a teddy bear with a hole in it." - New York I liked the empty box from Tailor Made. He is the cheesiest, corniest, end of "Pretty In Pink"-stealinest rich bum I've ever seen, but that one was clever enough for Fuckwheat. I also love how the program centralizes on Tailor Made's jealousy. You can't stand to see New York with other guys, yet you are a contestant on "I Love New York 2." Yes, that makes a ton of sense, hairplug. I knew Tailor Made was a bitch, but I did NOT expect to see him howling and crying like his first night in federal prison. He's stir crazy after a couple of hours? No, he's just crazy. Yet, who's here to console Taylor Dane? Ah, yes. The ManBearPig who unloads the most ridiculous notion of the entire series. "You are part German, right? You call upon your German ancestors... Your descendants." - Sister Patterson Wow. A black woman just implied that a white man should use Nazi tactics on her offspring. Did you guys notice how nice Tailor Made's dad was? He's trying to escape that public relations disaster he inherited from his folks. Shit, even the pope was Hitler Youth. ManBearPig then gave Tailor the official Hilter-Rommel pep-talk. I'm pretty sure that's how they did it behind closed doors. I don't know how well that's going to work. Tailor Made looks like he's got a little Ricky Ricardo in the tank. So, listen. I got niggas jugglin fire. I got slaves. I want this night to be perfect. All she was missing was that Buddha dick. Oh, who are we kidding? She's already 2 months pregnant by him. Tailor Made's cliff jump symbolized the dropping of his balls. It all comes full-circle. You dive balls-first into a Jamaican woman. Then you dive balls-first into Jamaica for a woman. Let's stick with balls. Sure, you're got a ton of money, but it takes some hairy coconuts to go buy an engagement ring like that. No, it doesn't take balls to buy an engagement ring for New York on a nationally-televised reality show. It takes balls to purchase or otherwise carry anything worth more than $50.00 USD anywhere on the island of Jamaica. If either of those cliff jumpers peeped that ring her splooge-covered finger would be in the chicken foot soup pot. With a DG Kola Champagne on the side... Maybe a bottle of Ting if they're feeling freaky. If you missed the broadcast, thank EweToube user "tanishaw" for the complete final episode without interruption. Seen. ..and there it is. She chooses Tailor fucking Made. How Buddha didn't realize that the ring wasn't for him was a testament to just how self-centered he is. The balls have come full-circle and now comes the g-g-gullibility. In a strange way, Tailor Made and New York are perfect for each other. A whore needs a trick. They've got a two-way street going in that regard. New York goes on the dollar stroll and Tailor Made once again gets to ride the Hershey Highway. All's well that ends well, I suppose. Can't wait for the reunion episode... and the third season. You know this shit ain't gonna last.

I Love New York 2: The Stooch In Review - "The Final Four"

It's only fair that we give proper shine to the four finalists of "I Love Flavor Flav's Leftovers 2." (In order of departure) The Entertainer: Frankie the Entertainer really showed his garlic knots before his time was up. He held the Guido back for as long as he could but the arrival of his parents was the marinara on the fettuccine. His pops was cool; far cooler than I'd expect from, you know... Eye-talian guys. I saw "A Bronx Tale." I could only imagine what kind of parmagiana Tony Ravioli would make out of his talking eggplant queen. ManBearPig may have been right on her assessment of Frankie as unstable, volatile and threatening, but she had no reason to foul on his parents the way she did. Susta Patterson ultimately said "Fuck you, Frankie and the Olive Garden you came from." What ultimately did him in was that he worked for fucking UPS and lived with his parents. There wasn't any amount of toe-sucking that was gonna make up for the fact that he was some kind of triclops gnocchi monster trapped in the basement. With that said, New York and her mother set black women back farther than the "Tip Drill" video by lambasting The Entertainer's parents with a unified front of indiscriminately disrespectful behavior. They were one head short of Ugly Bitch Cerberus. Throw Dionne Warwick up there and you got three heads. I'm sorry. New York is gonna look like Danny Glover when she's her mother's age. I don't know if there was some Reparations sentiment behind that shit or what. Them bitches acted like they found the family that used to own them back in the 1700s. I thought it was pretty cold to make the parents stick around for the elimination to hear those terrible things from that delusional, battered stripper. I never noticed his third eye until the clip show. Then I became more frightened than Sammy Davis, jr. walking through his neighborhood without Sinatra and Dean-o. Ron Mexico enters your establishment through the fucking front door, you hear me? Punk: I guess Punk leaving second-to-last afforded him the ability to do what he really wanted to do with his lawyerin' degree and frosted-tip S-Curl. But really, Punk. What the fuck, holmes? What, you on SMACK DVD as a manwhore for hire, David Otunga? Whose dick did you plan to suck in that limo? "Look at me! I'm taking Moet to the head! I just bagged Buckeey. That wasn't hard at all." I wonder who everyone at Ciara's party thought this man was. This party wasn't long after the show first aired, right? Eh, I'm sure no one could tell. Punk probably ended his night doing a line off Ne-Yo's dick. I ain't never seen so many shots of a nigga dancing by himself with a bottle of Mo'. Before we all found out he was a party boy, Punk seemed like the safest, most responsible option of all of the guys when he wasn't a greasy cocaine gorilla. Unfortunately, Tiffany doesn't want anything to do with anything rational, responsible or safe. She bought the Spalding Never-Flat titties. Her nipples twist out to little silicone pumps. It's truly horrific. Speaking of nipple twisting... --So his mother's an old Jewish lady? I'm not seeing the resemblance. I see it between the mother and his sister because they look like the same type of touchdown. That would mean that she did, in fact, climb that gefilte fish up onto the African soupbone at some point... which is hysterical. His name is Otunga. That sounds pretty African. He's light-skinned enough to have come from a white woman via natural birth, though. I'm guessing he's the type of privileged African halfzie that could go to a good enough school to do the lawyer thing. ...or they're just adopted. P.S.: You should have let that giant deadly dodo bird rip New York's intestines out. Buddha: Buddha's dad was pretty much exactly what I expected. He's an Uncle Ben-ass, preachy-ass, self-righteous Farrakhan style motherfucker. I guess the bean pie doesn't fall too far from the mosque. Strangely enough, the G-Unit wifebeater model's game wasn't apparent to our veteran judge of character. Miss New York ate up every monosyllabic word he threw at her as long as it came with that chocolaty velvet fog of his. He almost fingerbanged her at the dinner table in front of Punk and Taylor Dane. Luckily for New York, she denied his appendage entry as it probably just came out of the cank stooch of Miss Vietnamese. You don't want too much going on in the petri dish. You don't wanna end up with a Princess Clara. I don't know why Punk and them thought he was flirting. That little Asian girl is part of the room package. Buddha's analysis of New York's preferred erotic stimulus was pretty damn accurate. Homegirl gets off on drama, not penis. With that understanding, one would have thought Buddha had the competition in the bag as he provided more than one man's share. Unfortunately we're dealing with a capricious, ignorant pill-popping cum muppet and the producers that control her every move. Say hello to Mark Cronin and Cris Abrego, everyone! We might as well. They've kept me in business for over 2 years now. Tailor Made: We'll give Miami's big winner and Jamaica's big loser the due he deserves when we put the touches on this series later today.

**Newsflash** New York Chooses Tailor Made!

Like, FORREALS! [much] more to come...

Snoop Dogg's Father Hood: Welcome 2 Tha Dogg House

We interrupt this "I Love New York 2" overdose to bring you this very important announcement: I mean... it's almost like when Thugnificent moved to Woodcrest. What a terribly scripted intro. I haven't seen acting that bad since the last time I saw Snoop Dogg acting. He should have shotgunned that little tar baby of his. I wonder how many times she's walked in on him "working on music, baby." What? You don't smell that music, mane? Yes, as expected, Snoop Dogg is high at all times. Also, as excpeted with Snoop Dogg being a black man, he absolutely abhors going to the doctor. This nigga don't watch "Grey's Anatomy" or "Scrubs" or nothin. What's unexpected is that a crip-ass, murderin'-ass nigga such as Tha Doggfather is afraid of needles. I guess for his frame a needle puncture is like a .45 shell wound. This nigga officially falls into the category of sickly. He ain't like needles since that time he saw his uncle nod off on a bad bag of chunky. Was it me or did his doctor's office look like a porn set? In fact, I seen his doctor on MILF Hunter. Everything she said on camera came out sounding as if she were offering to wax his jimmy like she needed the rock and Snoop was G-Money. Surprise! The black man is stressed out with high blood pressure. 9 out of every 10 black men hear the same diagnosis whenever they finally drag themselves in to see a doctor. These kids are some lazy, ridiculous fucks. Let me get this right. This big, sloppy Eddy Curry with and extra chromosome motherfucker they got in the house doesn't clean up after himself? Isn't he like-- not even their child? Oh, hell-to-the-no! Big Anthony better get his ass on all fours and ride Snoop Dogg's high-yellow offspring to the bathroom cabinet like Falcor. Just because you have a cleaning lady doesn't mean you have to be a lazy, nasty fuck. Apparently these children lack the guidance of an appropriate father figure. It doesn't look like they are getting much out of the hypersexual smoke cloud in the garage. Snoop better check his bitch. He might be raising a couple of Layzie Bone's kids. I love Snoop's little "high-as-hell" dance for the commercial segues. Wow, Snoop really is a fucking dog. Every time you see him he's ogling some girl. That poor little Japanese girl was terrified. Snoop should know better than to just run up on her like that. Play it cool, big homie. That's why they sell her soiled drawers in the vending machine in the lobby. Snoop's libido and surley chronic-induced verbal diarrhea led me to a moment in the show that made me embarrassed for black people. If I were in that yoga class with them white folks and when told to "open our hips" some nigga like Snoopnificent says "I got somethin to open your hips up," I'd be as red as a brown nigga can get. I'd be burnt sienna. Sure, I'd be thinking the exact same thing, but I wouldn't be disrupting class with it like I did in 4th grade with the Nice 'N Smooth lyrics. "Sometimes I rhyme slow, sometimes I rhyme quick./" Then I added on some shit that rhymed with dick. Ms. Gibson heard me and tossed my black ass like an unruly slave off the Amistad. After Snoop realizes that yoga isn't going to work and he doesn't wanna keep paying for his bodyguard's sweat damage to the hardwood floor, he runs back to his doctor for another suggestion to relieve his Nigritis. He's excited as hell about the Eastern Medicine suggestion. "Yeah, Doc. I'm more into Eastern medicine. That Chocolate Thai with a massage with the happy ending. You know what time it is!" Indeed we do. Snoop better be careful they don't make his ass the next Flavor Flav. Parting Shot: Snoop need to stop smokin all them damn blunts and get to beatin some ass. Rev Run's kids ain't nasty like that. Maybe he needs to watch these new episodes of Run's House after his shit airs.

I Love New York 2: The Stooch In Review - "Actors Need Love Too, Baby!"

Before we explore how many derivatives of female genitalia these freaks saw in their ink blots, let's get these out of the way. Buddha, you on "Hell Date!" ...and you're gay! While the gentlemen were given over for psychoanalysis, the show behind the show was our forceful re-introduction to Miss New York as the undisputed queen of synthetic drama. Yes, synthetic drama differs from organic drama. After finding out Buddha had previously been a contestant on *GASP* reality television programs, CB4 goes ballistic on our boy, Ezra. The funny part is how he tried to differentiate the firmaments of garbage that "Hell Date" and "I Love New York 2" reside within. "Come on baby, that was just some old BET bullshit." That's low of VH1 to even go there. Like I Love New York is fucking Dateline. I Love New York ain't even To Catch A Predator. Then, where does "reality star" Tiffany "Janice" Pollard get off shitting on Buddha Man for working the same circuit as she? Fuck you, sexpot muppet! She'd be a spectacle regardless of Flavor Flav. If she didn't make the cut for "Flavor of Love" she'd be getting paid to fuck on stage in a Russian bar. Gorilla suit optional. On the side of virtue and giving these sociopaths the benefit of the doubt, “Actors need love too.” Unfortunately for Punk, no matter how much S-Curl, coke and steroids he brings to the table, New York isn't really down for his sweet ass. He should have ran behind his lover, Pretty. As we get down to the real business of the program, that being finding someone to diss New York in time for the reunion special in 3 weeks, Mr. Wise obviously had to go. His Charlie Chaplin of the Ghetto routine having run its course, homie can leave this program as the greatest anomaly in Abrego/Cronin history. At least Mr. Boston was interesting, you know? [More catch-up to come]

I Love New York 2: The Stooch In Review - "Girlfriends and Sisters"

Alright guys. Sorry for missing a few of these, but here we go. How funny was this shit? Before "The Parent Trap" came this year's "Ex-Girl To The Next-Girl" episode starring Tailor Made, Buddha, Mr. Wise, Frankie Goomba the Entertainer, Punk and Pretty. I don't think they could have dreamed of a more eclectic and entertaining collection of ex and "okay-with-all-this-fuck-shit-so-long-as-we-get-paid" girlfriends. I had 2-to-1 odds going that Mr. Wise's ex was gonna be a chocolate animal woman. She didn't have to fluff up his chocolate stick all unprovoked like that. In doing so, she revealed herself as a helper character. What I did NOT expect was Tailor Made's Jamaican bumboclot he married. Sure, you can like black women. Shit. A man ain't a man until he split the dark oak. The Jamaican woman, however, is an entirely different animal... er, umm... tree? As soon as I heard that accent I got flashbacks to getting my ass whipped in ways they'd lock a bitch up for in the States. This must be where his penchant for punishment comes from. He's all about the sugar cane beatings and Blue Montain Curry Powder in his tossed salad. Entertainer's woman was... sizeable, yes. No, she wasn't no 300-pound, half-Arctic seal-lookin broad. She was just Jersey. That's how they get down out there. Those bitches are at no shortage of meat-and-cheese pasta. As long as she's not some racist fucktard from the interior it's really all good, people. What was not all good was how homegirl dropped the nail that would eventually be driven into his coffin. There is no way New York is ending up with some package handler that lives in his parents' basement. "Nigga, please. You work for UPS." - Biz Markie "Don't be mad. UPS is hiring." - The Notorious B.I.G. "Special Delivery!" - G-Dep (now working at FedEx) Buddha's ex-girlfriends are all either still in the hospital from dicklash or have restraining orders, so his sister had to come out. Pretty's ex-girlfirends couldn't make the trip to Los Angeles to be on television because they were all... um... in the Astronaut Training Facility... in Atlanta. Yeah. That's it. So, his sister had to come out too. Keeping true to the "Flavor of Love" franchise format, New York and ManBearPig have face-to-face, woman-to-wildlife time with the contestants' loved ones while some special, secret, trustworthy guests of hers "interrogate" the men. I don't think anyone was surprised to see detectives Chance and Real on the case. We were due for a Stallionaire cameo, weren't we? High out of their minds, Chance and Real get the job done with interrogation questions like: "How did you get that scar across your lip?" "Snitchin!" "Why are you going bald?" "Do you strip, homie? Do you dip, homie?" I was hoping he'd expand on that one and ask "Do you spin the package around while you do your little dance?" While the weed cop/sherm cop routine worked on most, it backfired on perhaps the least likely contestant. Punk wasn't having any of that bullshit. He may be a little effeminate, but you won't be Punking Punk on national TV, especially when you look like Cam'ron and Jim Jones after the doctors told them there was nothing more they could do. Unfortunately for Pretty, he didn't corroborate his story with his co-defendant. There is a clear and cut problem when you say your mother and sister, whom you are inseparably close to, know every woman you've ever dated, yet your sister says she's never met a single one. Giving him the benefit of the doubt, that could just have been a situation of sister-girl lying to protect brother-man's privacy. However, the ties, the glitter pen, the bounce in his step and the sugar in his speech lead us to believe he's more than likely hiding the sausage if anything. Pretty's trapped in the closet!!! When New York approached the door to open it, Pretty pulled out his Beretta. "Pretty, do you know what time it is? I gotta meet my mo--" "Fuck yo' ass, bitch! Sorry, mama. Why the fuck everybody think I'm gay?" A nearly-outed Pretty wasn't the only one to pop off and be asked to leave the rent-a-mansion. Chance blew his chance at being invited back into the house by getting back on his Dipset shit. We all know the type. Famous will bark and fight the air knowing damn well he don't wanna get a mudhole stomped into his ass by one of these gargantuan negroes New York got floating around this time. Shit. Opening day looked like the clearance sale at Western Beef. Some of the niggas were even branded. While Pretty excused himself before the top on his Pringles got popped, Mr. Wise's sorry ass had to be dragged out in the next episode. Someone please explain to me how this man was able to get to the top 5? Was New York feeling his songs or some shit? I never understood his appeal. Ah, well. There are plenty more tar babies out there in search of the banana for their tailpipes. Too bad your "rap career" will always be affiliated with you publicly trying to fuck Man-ManBearPig. I'll hit you guys later today with the rest... AND what I thought of Snoop Dogg's Fatherhood!

I Love New York 2: Hollywood Shuffle

Last week, Miss New York tossed all law and order aside in hopes that one special man may rise to the top of the Turrur Dome. The environment of barbarism and sexual deviance created by her "stoochie-first" philosophy has her home looking like the New York Knicks' practice facility. Are you going to get into the truck? The balls on CB4 to ask all of these guys to sign letters of approval for her decision to bring Buddha back. That's like a Liberian presidential election. You don't agree with what's on your ballot, but you put that shit in the fucking box before we rape and slaughter your family while you watch. How could you expect Tailor Made to sign that shit? This is why we don't trick out on skank ass bitches. She's draining his wallet like she should be draining them balls. Not only is he bald, but he's completely emasculated before the world. Awesome. Eh, I guess he's not to be respected. The man said he didn't want to "grant [Buddha] the satisfaction of looking him in the eyes." That is some serious prison bitch self-justification shit. "Yeah, I gave him my fruit cocktail. I didn't want to grant Nasty Nate the satisfaction of engaging in fisticuffs." It’s not satisfaction to look a man in the eyes. It’s manhood. Making the scenario even more prison yard is Buddha wearing a fucking TWiSM shirt like a nigga that been in the cage since 1994. The challenge for these man-whores was to prepare their finest dish for Miss New York. The performance and presentation of which is to be facilitated by none other than Season 2 "Trick Trick" Award-winner, Mr. Fucking Boston. What the fuck are these producers doing?! Tag-lining the New York/Boston synergy with the recurring mantra: "He always knew what to put in my mouth!" That's fucking horrendous. Especially when all he did was douse whatever was lying around in the fridge with Ranch dressing and shove it in her mouth after midnight. This nigga was food-freakin off on national television! Thie fetish shit needs to be saved for Real Sex 937 over on HBO. Then The Entertainer shows us all his Eye-talian side with a call home to mom for help. “Ma, it’s Frankie. Listen, Ma. I need a nice fuckin' Parmigiana. Let me have the recipe for that cutlet thing you make when Bobby's dad comes over. Yeah. With the Pruschetta and the Ricotta and the LaMotta and the Bambaataa... Yeah. I'm making it for the mulignane broad from the television. Oh, shit. Ma. That's it! Mulignane Parmigina! Thanks, Ma. You're the fuckin' greatest!” Wait. Isn’t Mr. Boston supposed to be dating nasty-ass Pumkin? Yet he and New York are still cool? Something doesn't add up. I love how they threw in that Double Dare curveball. Niggas gotta include nasty-ass Ranch dressing in whatever they were gonna prepare? That's terrible. Everybody knows there ain't no Bambaataa in Hidden Valley Ranch. They turned this shit into a fucked-up episode of "Bottom Chef." Some of these main course ideas aren't going to work out! At least that's what a nigga with some common sense would say before proceeding. One nigga made a fucking cheesecake... with Ranch dressing in it. I wouldn't just spit that shit into a bucket. I would vomit all over the table. Maybe you'd be better off just dealing with the consequences of not including the fucking salad dressing, you ignorant bitch. Buddha said "fuck a Ranch." I don't think he was penalized, either. Then again, he can obviously get away with whatever the fuck he wants if he can manhandle the white boy and still stick around to compete. I was expecting this country-ass nigga Wolf to draw the sheath and show his dick or something. "Ummm. I don't know too much about no cookin and such. But-- I know you like dis hea'!" Just his dick and some Ranch dressing on a plate. Instead he actually makes the tastiest dish. A chicken fajita can go a long way when a woman believes you have a big dick. Unfortunately, it does nothing for your backwards, brain-dead, country ass out in public in the beeeig city. But we'll get back to that. Note: Tailor Made’s shirt says “Good Karma.” Wow. Buddha's ranch-free delights earned him the first date with New York. The program calls it a date. I call it the intro to a black-on-black porno. Buddha: Yeen't even gotta worry about that. I packs the fire hose, no question. I got references and errthang. New York: Oh, damn. Baby, you taste like Valentine’s Day chocolates. Not a Crunch bar… Not a Snickers... She said he tastes like the Whitman's Sampler from Rite Aid. Note to Punk: Your reign on the top was shorter than leprechauns. So we figured out why that porch monkey Wolf was always smiling. Apparently he was always on the brink of flatulence. Combine that with his "Southern charm;" a combination of not knowing shit, not wanting to know shit, and not caring about shit, and you sense the beginning of the end for our backwater friend. Not that New York was any classier. This simple simian really put her lips together to say Dom Perig-nun. Nip/Tuck producer Sean Murphy wanted him some black coffee. He caught that King Kong fever. "Amy... good... gorilla." Viktor Von Doom had to pretend like he gave 2 shits. There were 15 hot, white, freshly-vomited cokewhores out front waiting for him. He didn't want to waste any of his sexual appetite on the crunchy black. Back at the house our hero, Budhha, pulled a serious bitch move. Not to say that cockblocking is wrong given our current situation, but if you'll recall in episode 1, Buddha damn near elbowed It in the mouth for trying to push up while grown folks was talkin. This time around Buddha's the push-up bra. To this new level of disrespect Punk could only whimper “Oh, Buddha.” Repeat "Note to Punk:" As the feeding frenzy progresses, Tailor Made once again relies on his go-to move. After breaking the bank again for some negligee, he presents the booty to his ebony queen. Thinking this would buy him some time to whine to CB4 about his feelings for her and how much he's grown over the past couple of days, Tailor is more shocked than he should have been to have been greeted with the following response: "Fuck what’s on your mind. What’s in the bag? A pack of hair? Oh, I hope it's Indian Remy." I'd personally clean up his brain matter after he blows his head off when he finds out she wore that nig-luh-zhay for Buddha. This is how you know Punk is gay. He thinks because he dropped an "L"-bomb on her that he's got some kind of advantage. At least he recognizes that he's gotta step his shit up. I am intrigued to find out what that's gonna entail. I think he's all out of eyeliner and It is gone, so there's no one to send Larry Fishburne to the store for more. I still don't know what kind of deal with the devil Solomon Wise has worked out. He still hasn't said 4 sentences worth, yet remains on the show. New York knows he has love for her. At least that makes one of us. Did you peep how they did Wise’s captions in Ebonics? Thanks VH1! If it weren't uncomfortable enough to watch your network, I thank you for fully alienating the black audience. Oh, who the fuck am I kidding? Every negro in America will be right back on this shit Monday night. We wanna see how this shit plays out. For now we say goodbye to Wolf, who actually may have been dumber than It. If nothing else, they should have let him drop his pants on the way out. You know New York wanted to know before she sent his Raphael Saaqiq video extra-lookin ass go. I'm appalled. Is that the right word to use in this situation?

I Love New York 2: Catch The Spirit

We embark on the latest installment of "The Quest for Chlamydia" with one question burning in our minds and hearts. Is there redemption for Taylor Dane? Alright, that's probably not what you've been asking all week. If you're anything like me, you were thinking: How terribly cheesy and scripted is their "spiritual encounter" going to be? Instead of using decency and good judgment to gauge the collective moral compass of her suitors, she outsources the services of a professional. New York should have just spared these men the indignity. Instead of letting the shit play out like the Halloween episode of Oz, they should have just huddled up like Peyton Manning and the Colts offense and let New York iron out the details of the play. New York: Alright. I hired this homeless bitch to scare you. Later on the lights are gonna go out and shit is gonna get pulled off the walls with strings by our stage director, Jian Xu Wu. Say "hello" to Jian Xu, everyone! Bitch Niggas: Hey, Jian Xu. Xian Zhi Yu: My name Xian Zhi Yu, bitch! NY: At around 7:30 tonight, I'm gonna be with Tailor Made and the lights are gonna go out. Just continue to play scared. It: What if like, I'm playin... but it's like I ain't really playin? Cuz like, boom. If I don't know if I wanna you know be like in a committedment relation. Then I was like, you want the lemon? Cuz my man was tellin me don't do nothing like... be smart with your heart. NY: Who's your man? It: You know. Thing. NY: No. I don't know. It: Wesley Snipes. That was my man from Queens. That's right. It is one of them NORE-ass Queens niggas. But seriously. That's how contrived I thought the whole spiritual medium/homeless bitch for hire saga was. I know grown men who pay $30 to go to a haunted house this time of year... and they tell me it's way scarier than that. I personally think they are just bitch niggas who senselessly let their bitches talk them into paying $60 for two grown-ass, over-30 motherfuckers to go to a damn haunted house. My pendulum is connected to my balls. [Can/should I "no homo" that? YOU DECIDE! Text "NOHOMO" to MEXICO7 for a "no homo." Text "NONOHOMO" to MEXICO7 to omit the "no homo."] I hate niggas like The Entertainer who throw their work with retards out there like some red chip at Caesar's Palace. "Listen, baby. I work with retarded people because I pity them... and I don't have any porno on the floor." Fuck you. I bet the developmentally disabled people he works with are watching this shit like "No he fucking didn't." He washes the dishes at the center and occasionally pops the kids with a wet towel. P.S.: How can It look like the biggest retard in the house when you're wearing his retardo protection helmet? Good work. Make Wolf swear by the one thing he's divulged about himself to anyone throughout the duration of his time on the show. When he walks through the living room, the rest of them go "Big Dick Man. Oh, shit. It's Big Dick Man." It's all anyone knows about him. I have decided we will call Jonathan "Punk" Plummer by a new name. I must refer to him as "Pug." He looks like a strung-out pug. It's distracting. A pug with a half-done perm and a 5-pound bag of Domino sugar in the tank. It knows that watch ain't from no damn Egypt. He bought it from a nigga he "swear must be Egyptian or something." I'm glad she finally acknowledges him as a fucking idiot. The idiot had a moment of clarity, though. A little brain power from the moron. He knew he could take his Jerry Lewis of the Projects act home without having to suffer the indignity of "winning." There's some genius to the idiot's way of analyzing the current situation. "We ain't never ate chicken wings and french fries on a project bench." So true, It. You ain't got no closer niggas than niggas you done sat and bust down a half chicken with french fries on a project bench with. Alright, maybe not. But at least every nigga you done that with is a nigga you close to, right? I'll take it. I don't like how she makes these niggas address her as "Goddess." Ugh. Fuck your stank-ass beef jerky pussy, talkin about some goddess. I had to seriously pump the brakes when Midget Mac got all personal. What the fuck?! Is this the Jerry Springer show or some shit?! Midget Mac got kids?! Plural?! Multiple kids?! Are they midgets too?! Even worse, Mac has a story of love lost too soon ago. The woman he found to love him and bear his elves somehow died. That is fucking horrendous. The douche that kicked away the midget's ladder? He was with her until 4 months ago. New York: Have you dated anyone since then? Midget Mac: No. I cain't find nobody get low enough in the club. If I told you once, I told you a million times. They wrong for ridiculing this midget. Is it just me, or is Tailor Made's daugther a little dark. I wanna see the wife now, dammit. That kid looked Vietcong. Did anyone else peep Pug's face as Tailor Made insisted on signing after being urged not to by the homeless lady? Nigga is watching like "CURSE HIM! CURSE HIS ASS!" If New York fucks around and ends up choosing Pug, she is gonna go full Terry McMillan. I promise. When he finally leaves her to stop "fishing" with Pretty and live with him full-time, she's gonna score herself a deal writing for Triple Crown Publications. Hire me, Tiffany. I'll take you places. We'll eat through this bread. You don't have to embarrass us anymore. We'll do what we can to de-Muppetize you and we will land your book deal. You don't need to go to school or run spell check or nothin. So, Tailor Made wants to redeem himself at dinner, huh? Well if a reception colder than Isiah Thomas on the Ellen DeGeneres show wasn't enough indication, Dr. Buddha E. B. Dubois'letter pees all over Taylor Dane's popsicle. With all this testosterone on her brain, she needs to take a cigarette break with one of these mens. Which one steps up to the plate? Nate Robinson! "You got futhered pillows in there?" I'm gonna have to agree with Pretty. Midget Mac is the man. His woman probably wasn't even another midget. New York needs to be careful though. You can get 5-10 for tonguing a midget in some states. Midget Mac look like a damn mascot for Nacho Mama at the pool party. What was they playin? Pin the tail on the midget? Hat bigger than him. Walkin about shakin maracas and shit lookin like Babalooey. Awful. Saving Mac from being the freakiest-looking thing in the room is ManBearPig. Back and more boorish than ever, MBP has the audacity to throw her drink at The Entertainer. I don't give a fuck who you are. Disrespect me like that and they gonna have to pull me off of you. I'll make a ManBear jacket and purse out of that bitch. I guess New York needs someone in her corner, though. Tiffany is one of them stupid bitches that will always go for the bullshit. Once she wants you, you can wipe your dick on her forehead and disrespect her. The jury's still out on whether or not The Entertainer is the devil, as MBP claims. However, there is no denying that this man is a fucking moron. "Hmmm. I think this whole Mom-not-liking-me thing is working to my advantage somehow." DING! DING! DING!, Sgt. Asshole! The more you fight MBP, the more Tiff will love you! Why am I disappointed that New York saw her chance to ditch the midget and cite emotional reasons? Tailor Made still married up in the house. You get passed around like a lucy in the detention center yourself. Why can't Mac stick around? I bet if Wolf told you his baby mama died you'd be happy as hell not to have to compete with her for the dick. Peace, Torrey! You're my nigga. You deserve better than both this desertion and this legacy. Peace, It. If I were the guy in charge of coming up with "Friday" installments, I'd cast you in the next one. Make your stupid ass work for sneakers and lemons. My heart skipped a mini beat as I thought Chance was coming back. But, hey. I say: If spit boy can stay, Buddha should be in the house too. Understand now that you have set a terrible precedent and will allow violence to prevail in your home. It's going to be the TerrorDome Pussy Battle Royal presented by Boar's Head.

No, I Don't Watch Fucking "Heroes!"

If I wanted to see fake-ass X-Men I'd pay homeless people in sandwiches to reenact it like everyone else does. I'm finally fully over the flu. Thanks for the well wishes! Here's your week ahead: Tuesday - "Boondocks" Catch-Up Wednesday - "I Love New York," "Boondocks" Catch-Up Thursday - "The Salt 'N Pepa Show" Catch-Up, "Boondocks" Catch-Up Friday - "Gotti's Way" Catch-Up, "Boondocks" Catch-Up Saturday - "Run's House" Catch-Up You get the picture. Now here's the deal: Flu aside, you see I got a lot of catch-up to do. I'm probably gonna have to drop one of these series. Which one would you miss the least? Speak now, or don't say shit when your "Gotti's Way" is discontinued.

I Love New York 2: Fight Club

What is the first rule of "I Love New York?" We do not talk about "I Love New York." There's certainly been far more hatred than love juice being sprayed about in the VH1 Rent-A-Mansion on this week's installemnt of "I Love New York." My theory of males coexisting in close quarters more harmoniously than females has officially been debunked. The bitch niggas are showing their menstrual stains at an alarming rate, behaving more and more like their female counterparts on "Flavor of Love." I don't know if the producers have nudged them into this direction, but the season has certainly taken a turn for the interesting. I was wondering when some of these niggas were gonna start gettin slapped around. Right off the bat Buddha fucks up and splashes Taylor Dayne with orange juice. Shit, after that you might as well dig into his ass. The baby headbutt that sent Tailor scampering about the house like a 7-year-old girl when you lash her with the extension cord should have opened the floodgates for a full-on ass beating complete with assault charges. Fuck it! Get your money's worth, son! I was glad to see Buddha pin him to the wall and mush him around like The Health Inspector about to get a piece but... you get the idea. You open up that asshole, climb in, trash the bitch, spray-paint "Buddha Was Here," climb out and close the asshole behind you. After all that Buddha got the nerve to cry like Michael Clarke Duncan at the end of "The Green Mile." "I lost sight of what I came here for, boss! I don't deserve to live. *sniffle*" Nigga, you lost sight for more than three fuckin minutes. You been sayin that shit for the past 3 episodes! "It's to the point where my hatred for him surpasses my love for New York." I understand that's only natural. How could you love the daughter of the ManBearPig? She's only slightly more Man than BearPig. She's Man-ManBearPig! Still detestable and ceremonially unclean before the Lord. Which brings me to my next point: I believe we've discovered a new out for these men who've had enough of sucking on wildebeest toes and the like. When you're ready to leave this shithole you'll be associated with for the rest of your life, you can do so with a shred of dignity and without having to fuck a mythological Muppet beast by fighting! Ah, ha! Instant expulsion! You can't make me win this contest! If they have a season 3, I might jump on that bitch just to beat somebody's ass. There couldn't have been a more appropriate challenge for these guys than a damn fight! However, when they brought out the surprise combatants I was expecting Larry Holmes or Leon Spinks or some shit. When I saw a half-dozen female kickboxers, I about lost it. Freaky Deeky! Inexplicably, the rules indicate that the contestants can't strike back. What kind of shit is this?! I wanted my fucking money back. How the hell are they gonna deprive us of the opportunity to watch Midget Mac put his "Midgtisu" on those hoes? Seriously, I'm supposed to stand there for 6 minutes and get wailed on by some kickboxer lady? She's trained. I'm not. At least let a nigga see if he can keep her off him with a combination or two. That's only fair. Fuck that chivalry shit. If a woman is coming at me with the intention of doing me harm, she's getting popped in the jaw just like a nigga. I said it. I'll stand over her like Ali and everything. "Shouldn't have come at me with that curling iron." Psycho-ass Entertainer was Freaky Deeky with it indeed. He looked like he loves nothing more than to pop a ball-gag in his mouth and let a bitch beat his ass to no end. I kinda felt bad for Wolf. You can tell he got his ass beat because they were jealous of his hair. Not that I'm complaining or anything, but why were there 30 Muy-Thai bitches beating on It? Solomon Wise did 20 Pack pretty damn dirty, but he needed to. Up until today's episode, no one knew he existed. He kept getting a chain though. She sent Man-Man home for "not stepping up" when Wise ain't kicked no game, no ass, no freestyle, nothing. Wise's greasiness ended up being better strategy for the team though. His solo effort won New York's attention and he was able to bring Lloyd from Entourage right along with him. All's well that ends well, right? So beloved was Mr. Wise, the new "Whiteboy," that the original ManBearPig invited him inside the house, out from the field to eat some of the good parts of the pig. Of course, such generosity from massa comes at a price. As expected, Sister Patterson, in front of the rest of the house niggers, asked the Wise One to join her stable as a Designated Snitch. Upon his prompt and immediate decline, she uninvited Mr. Wise from the table and told him to leave his food behind. This bitch is not a good look for the church. Being that ManBearPig (which Al Gore has proven is real, by the way) bears no weight on the elimination decisions, I expected a "Spartacus" moment. All of the "Mama's Boys" should have left the table in a show of solidarity. "We're not Mama's Boys. We're New York's Men!" Again, nuances of the current situation notwithstanding, I expected such behavior from niggas of dignity, honor and character. Qualities you can't expect from a contestant on a program of this nature. With Tailor Made alive and free to work we are still blessed with the privilege of observing the culmination of all the worst parts of a man at once. I feel like I’m watching Ryan O’Riley at work in Em City. Tailor's latest and greatest hit? Let's pull a Wendy Williams and start up some gay rumors! The Salem Switch Hunt begins with Pretty. While I though him to be playing for the away team all season long, VH1 knew they had to drop that arts and crafts clip on us. “Glittler! Hey, we had a glitter marker here, y’all! I didn’t even know.” Mmm-hmm. Tailor Made is oh, so wrong... but he's right. Once again doing the right thing is Mr. Wise, who brings 20 Pack, the ring partner he shafted, along for the date with New York. He didn't have to do that. He could have enjoyed a day at the spa alone with his Chocolate Animal Woman. CB4 wasn't at all interested in anything spa-like. As per usual, this whore was hungry. As I've learned from experience, hungry hoes cannot be derailed from their focus of breaking your pockets to fill their bellies. She said "Fuck the mud. I’m trynna EAT. I love new experiences, especially when they involve eating. Oooh. I ain’t never ate on the water before!" Instead of getting to know this woman better, or trying to make himself more appealing, Wise elects to discuss how much he hates Tailor Made. This obviously backfires as New York appreciate Tailor's general sheistiness because... she’s a sheisty bitch. He plays the game exactly the way she did... with a splish-splash of Red Oyster. While Tailor is in the house terrorizing Pretty, Look no further than the 20 Pack for homosexuality. He kissed her like her lips were covered in shit. That's supposed to be the woman you really want? Mmmm-hmmm. We don't believe you. You need more people. So, back on the plantation, when confronted by Wise, Tailor Made tells the aspiring rapper to fuck himself. To this Wise responds: "Where I’m from, that’s an insult." Word, Wise? I see where the name comes from. You're intuitive as fuck, dude! I mean, it's not like "Go fuck yourself" is an insult where everybody's from. I wanna know what deep dark place he used to be at 2 years ago that would have made this scenario play out so much differently. Were you Ed Wuncler, or Gin Rummy? After continually jawing Tailor out from close range, T-Made decides to step shit up a notch. In an attempt to kill 2 birds in one episode, he pulls a Pumkin and spits in Mr. Wise's face. I love how everyone is like "Ooooh! That's what Pumkin did to New York!" Spit warrants at least an attepmted murder charge. Wise had a clean shot too. After finally sounding like a rapper with his 106 & Park-ready chorus of “I’ll murder you, son,” Wise looked Tailor Made in his eyes and renigged on firing away. Man, Tailor Made's jaw would have been across the room if that was your boy. He would have had to dribble on the next nigga. Having fucked up royally, NY Visit #45 intends to clear Taylor Dane's his regarding the spit. After barely dodging 3 ass-beatings on the day, New York almost beat his ass yet again. You could hear the pain of Cicely Tyson in her voice as she lambasted him with a riveting “You’s a dumbass!” and hit him in the asshole with the doorknob on the way out. Hmmmmmm. So generally being an all-around conniving cunt of a man is accepted and encouraged, but the moment you rear back your head to spit on someone, you're then deplorable. Damn this is a stupid, twisted bitch. The obvious drawback to Tailor's game is the imminent ostracizing he must face. His Mama's Boy roommates Pretty and Punk City did him like "Waiting to Inhale!" They had his bitch-ass clothes out in the garden. I hear that. But I'm no fool. They just used this as an excuse for some privacy. They can finally fuck in peace. Being that Buddha knocked himself out earlier, there was only one elimination to be made. You'd think the shit was pretty obvious being that Tailor Made spit in someone's face, right? Wrong! When this bitch kicked 20 Pack to the curb I couldn't believe my eyes and ears. I know that Filipina girlfriend set off your gaydar but can't you deal with that next episode? Doesn't he deserve to stay more than the guy who spit on another man? If I weren't embarrassed enough already, I'd walk the fuck out. At least Nico's now free to go back to his first love... Choroegraphy!

I Love New York 2: The Empire Strikes Out

Tailor [Bitch-]Made has been a busy little hair plug this week, hasn’t he? In the mold of the great Red Oyster before him, Tailor Made has been doing his damndest to keep the shit pot well stirred. Little did we all know, he’d chosen to fuck with “the wrong one,” as they say in the ghetto. *snicker snicker* After Tailor snitched out Cedric the Entertainer’s Comic View routine to Midget Mac, he expected to see some Battier-on-black crime up in that motherfucker. Instead, much to his surprise, The Entertainer danced around the charging midget and ran up on Tailor Made all psycho-like. This is hysterical on two counts: 1. The Entertainer ain't want no anna with Mac. Who wants to take the risk of getting their ass handled by a little person on national television? I mean, I'm pretty sure I could punt him across the room, but who knows? Maybe he’s been punted before and knows how to handle himself in such a situation. 2. Tailor Made was shocked as hell that Battier’s attention would turn to him. Everyone else is familiar with the premise of snitches getting stitches, but Tailor’s heart jumped out of his hair transplant when the action turned directly to him. In response to the afternoon’s display of bitch-dom, The Down Low Coalition of Buddha, 20 Pack, Punk, Ceddy, Wolf and Pretty pulled off a pretty damn excellent prank. Using an old challenge card, they convinced all of the guys to stand out by the pool for hours like there was free cheese to be had. As per plan, Tailor Made and It stayed out all morning like some simp-ass bitches. If I had to stand out there with fucking It all night they’d find me in the morning alone. I’d have turned his buffoon ass over to the Klan or something. The real challenge, as presented by Big Gay Pun, was to come up with a commodity of some kind that would further the Tiffany “New York” Pollard empire… Hold up. Did this bitch have the audacity to call what her life has amounted to an “empire?” Wow. We’re really getting looser with the written language the longer we’ve been allowed to use it, huh Black America? Shut your fucking face, unclefucker! Pardon me for placing 20 Pack in the “Down Low Coalition” earlier. This man is gay as hell. The first idea that comes out of his sugar-crusted mouth is making an “I Love New York” iPod with glitter and sprinkles and shit. They’ve been doing that shit in Greenwich Village since iPods were invented. You can go down to St. Mark’s Place right now and find a nigga that look just like 20 Pack gluing sequins on pink iPod nanos. I can’t do The Entertainer’s mockery of business school education any more justice than Man-Man did. “He went and got a liquor bottle and put a fuckin’ cape on it.” Better still, he want’s to market this as cologne. It's a bottle of Bombay Sapphire! Ridicule aside, that’s far from the worst idea for furthering your emp--… Ugh. I can’t say it. Anybody who’s anybody is out there trying to hock some funky-ass yak piss in a swanky bottle. I love how the white boy, Cheezy, thinks Blaxploitation is the way to push CB4 to the next level. That’s both funny and genius on a few different levels. Shit. Anything is better than It’s suggestion of a home AIDS test. Wow. 2-for-2 on the stereotypes, retardos. Good work! Last thing I wanna see is It the Propylactic King on BET telling kids to Rap-It-Up because by nature I’m going to do the opposite of ANYTHING he tells me. If he is out there urging safe sex, I’m goin raw. Every time. That nigga can't even say "Rap-It-Up!" Did you hear that scrambled slave chatter that came out of his mouth when he tried to explain why he was sleep-standing with Cheezy? Jesus. When did “voluptuous” become insulting to women with ginormous ass and titties? Shit. It’s better than what they used to call New York. “Hey, nasty bitch with the big ass and titties!” In a strangely ironic way I’m glad Cheezy Tarantino and them won the challenge. I can see it now: “Did you see a sign out front that said "Dead Hooker Storage?" Then why the fuck is Hoopz in my garage with half of her brain blown the fuck off?” They tickled her acting clitoris. Obviously an aspiration to act is why she’s here. The plan just went terribly wrong somewhere and she ended up with Flavor Flav’s charcoal stick in her mouth. Sometimes the road to Hollywood is bumpy, y’all. What I wasn’t pleased to see is how Tailor Made played Cheezy de Bergerac. However, regardless of Cheezy’s role in the project, she was gonna have one-on-one time with the man whose dictate the best. Yes, Tailor is a pathetic bastard. A woman with some common sense would at this point be wondering why he’s so happily separated! His wife sold him to you over the phone like a broke down Camaro! I also love the nerve behind the challenge! CB4 talkin bout her man need be prepared to cover a magazine with her. Really?! I think what she meant to say was: “Any man who wants be with me better prepare to be on the cover of Black Tail.” What did Tailor Made think that telling New York he finds The Toe-Sucker dangerous? You KNOW that's only gonna make a stupid ho like New York want him more. I hate to beat a dead crackhead, but, it's like we forgot she fucked Flavor. By the way, toe-sucking is where I cross the line as far as what I can and cannot watch. I sat through Chance and Tango back-to-back sex scenes last season. I can’t watch a nigga come up with some candy corns in this one. I'm glad Buddha let out his frustration with the Tailored one, but I'm not sure how I feel about the fact that his "digsust for" another nigga "surpasses his love for [New York]." In principle, that sounds kinda bitch made. I gives a fuck about the next man, you know? Focus, Buddha! Bring that skank home! Tango ain't fuckin' with you, son! Wise hasn’t said 2 words on this program and keeps advancing. I almost feel bad mentioning him because he hasn’t warranted it. I saw the preview for next week though. I think his first words are going to be "I'll FUCKING KILL YOU, YOU FUCK!" It came as little surprise to me that Cheezy and Man-Man went home. If she's sending home two at a time, she might as well cut the bullshit and drop the ones she's not attracted to. With that said, isn't winning a challenge supposed to count for something? If this is how she's gonna play it, niggas might as well go the Wolf route and whip out their dicks... start sucking on toes or something. There are 10 left right? That's a nigga per toe with Midget Mac on the Della Reese pinkie.

I Love New York 2: Into The Lake of Fire

This week on "19 Freaks and a Midget," Miss New York tests her stable's propensity to accelerated adaptation by tossing about 15 porch monkeys into a lake. Whosoever pleases the Cockness Monster the most via natural selection earns one-on-one time with the whore, the myth and the legend all at once. ...and I still wait for the letter carrier to bring me my O.J. prize. Damn, Midget Mac really is Bushwick Bill. I wonder what it was like for him in prison. You'd think Mac was the most ridiculous looking guy in the room, but Knockout is right next to him wearing a retard safety helmet. Yours looks like a 1950s pimp and sounds like Deion Sanders sucked on a helium balloon. If it weren't for the fact that he's been branded more times than a gimpy horse, I'd say he looks like he used to hustle with Brother Malcolm back in the day. Hey, I'm just glad the nigga escaped. What the shit?! Everybody shitting on Unsure for his recycled gift when Yours drew a sketch of Aretha Franklin and gave it to Tiff. That wasn't even young Aretha neither. That was "fitty-leven neckbone with bacon in the sweet potatoes" Aretha. It took him six hours to do that shit? I can't believe that. I can get a terrible portrait from a little Asian man in Times Square in about 7 minutes. Still, she ain’t have to do him like that. Hey, I can't take compassion on a collective of dudes vying for the affections of such a horrible bitch anyways. As weak as the titty shirt was, that was still more creativity than I expected from It. Tony Sunshine Cake's megaphone introduction was so ominous! "Midget Mac! Get your little ass in the water and flap those frog legs." Mac seen his uncle drown, but he mannin up. I think they popped his shit on purpose! I’d be less than surprised to find out that ManBearPig is on the other side with a dart blower. God bless Buddha for doing some shit a regular nigga is supposed to do. "Buddha is impressing me so much by exhibiting the human decency that no other man on the shore would." I see Unsure bought that jacket for his chunky girlfriend back home. I'm glad we were able to hear the niggas in the background making the Canal Street jokes. That jacket was the gaudy kind of shit that fake Canal Street classics are made of. I, for one, think the Bootleg Garment Workers of the American Underworld (BGWAU) needs to unionize. I can't imagine how long it took Ling-Ling to sew all them Ds, Gs and ampersands all over that jacket. Must have taken... about as long as it took her pops to draw that Aretha. Wolf and Knockout brought them aexual chocolates. "Listen, baby! The chocolate penis shooting vanilla icing has no sexual connotation. I promise!" New York was like "Fuck the Buddha bear." That nigga could have swam over with a turd in his palm and she would have sucked it out of his hand. Terry McMillan's ex-husband, Punk, is looking for the camera more than New York. Tailor Made continues to test CB4's the inner and outer ho with some Manolos. After being made aware that he was one of the lake champions (along with Buddha Lova & Tailor Made) Midget Mac breakdances to celebrate. I was pretty stoked to see that he didn't break out the cardboard or sand. How does midget cologne work? Does it come in a little "Alice in Wonderland" bottle? I guess you don't want him using the wrong proportion, right? I can't think of anything worse than a midget reeking of Usher's funky ass cologne. He'd be like a little tear gas grenade running around pulling out chairs for bitches. “I should go to jail for being so fresh.” No, little nigga. You should go to jail for robbing Lazarus Kids' on 125th Street... Except for that shirt. That's a regular-size nigga shirt, and I was waiting for him to trip on it. The funny/great thing is that New York is really diggin on Mac Daddy. He's starting to GROW on her. She's even looking for Ranch dressing to go with his tossed salad. I am so not down with this! Midget Mac seems like a genuinely good guy and deserves better. It is gonna suck when she crushes his little balls on national. I don't know why Unsure even mentioned the pre-owned bootleg jacket in the first place, but good play by Cheezy to deflect the snitch. Let Shmendrick The Entertainer and 20 Pack waddle over with The First Wifebeaters' Club. Unsure fucked up thinking the walk it out trick would work too. You ain't Tango, nigga. She ain't gonna stop you. Hit the bricks backwards, Chamo. Wait... Where the fuck is Chamo? Is this big sloppy nigga his boyfriend or something? While Buddha and Tailor are out with NY, Cuzzin It is back in the crib doing the Heineken Party Keg switch! Having It in the house is like having NORE as a contestant. Everything surrounding that situation is like a scene out of "State Property 2." I could have sworn this nigga was gonna say he got the flowers from El Plaga. Then he gonna perform forcible Ren & Stimpy-tongue entry on the bitch you don't already put a down payment on? Tailor Made should have jumped in his ass, spray-painted "Tailor Was Here", stepped out and close the ass behind him. "Boom boom boom. You want a lemon?" my ass! Sidenote: This season of "Curb Your Enthusiasm" is excellent! Shit. Unless Laurence Fishburne was buying his coke in LeFrak City, there's no way Morpheus would so much as step over It's 4th & goal-at-the-1 ass. Tailor couldn't protect his flowers from CNN becaue he was out racing The Houston 500 starring New York as the jizz target. For all of the experience he claims to have, he got put against the wall like Loren Wallace in the GEICO commercial! We see the NASCAR highlights on SportsCenter between, you know, the real sports. We know how to do this too. When Tango-- I mean, Buddha, said "I love black women." Tailor Made was on the bleachers masturbating talking about "*sniff* I love black women too." I'm not surprised in the least that Miss New York speaks restraining order. It really came as no surprise to anyone that Detroit Red got the boot. Well... I guess, except you Yours. Homie came out soundin like Jason Weaver in "ATL." That's on you if you wanna sleep/blunt your chance away. If she thought Knockout was a violent pinto beans with eyes should he really have gotten out of the first event? Cheezy ain't goin nowhere. Snitches welcome! In a final show of class, ManBearPig slaps herself on the hocks as she makes her departure. Damn. It appears Midget Mac is gonna both the underdog and the moral compass of this program. I love it.