I Love New York 2: Catch The Spirit

We embark on the latest installment of "The Quest for Chlamydia" with one question burning in our minds and hearts. Is there redemption for Taylor Dane? Alright, that's probably not what you've been asking all week. If you're anything like me, you were thinking: How terribly cheesy and scripted is their "spiritual encounter" going to be? Instead of using decency and good judgment to gauge the collective moral compass of her suitors, she outsources the services of a professional. New York should have just spared these men the indignity. Instead of letting the shit play out like the Halloween episode of Oz, they should have just huddled up like Peyton Manning and the Colts offense and let New York iron out the details of the play. New York: Alright. I hired this homeless bitch to scare you. Later on the lights are gonna go out and shit is gonna get pulled off the walls with strings by our stage director, Jian Xu Wu. Say "hello" to Jian Xu, everyone! Bitch Niggas: Hey, Jian Xu. Xian Zhi Yu: My name Xian Zhi Yu, bitch! NY: At around 7:30 tonight, I'm gonna be with Tailor Made and the lights are gonna go out. Just continue to play scared. It: What if like, I'm playin... but it's like I ain't really playin? Cuz like, boom. If I don't know if I wanna you know be like in a committedment relation. Then I was like, you want the lemon? Cuz my man was tellin me don't do nothing like... be smart with your heart. NY: Who's your man? It: You know. Thing. NY: No. I don't know. It: Wesley Snipes. That was my man from Queens. That's right. It is one of them NORE-ass Queens niggas. But seriously. That's how contrived I thought the whole spiritual medium/homeless bitch for hire saga was. I know grown men who pay $30 to go to a haunted house this time of year... and they tell me it's way scarier than that. I personally think they are just bitch niggas who senselessly let their bitches talk them into paying $60 for two grown-ass, over-30 motherfuckers to go to a damn haunted house. My pendulum is connected to my balls. [Can/should I "no homo" that? YOU DECIDE! Text "NOHOMO" to MEXICO7 for a "no homo." Text "NONOHOMO" to MEXICO7 to omit the "no homo."] I hate niggas like The Entertainer who throw their work with retards out there like some red chip at Caesar's Palace. "Listen, baby. I work with retarded people because I pity them... and I don't have any porno on the floor." Fuck you. I bet the developmentally disabled people he works with are watching this shit like "No he fucking didn't." He washes the dishes at the center and occasionally pops the kids with a wet towel. P.S.: How can It look like the biggest retard in the house when you're wearing his retardo protection helmet? Good work. Make Wolf swear by the one thing he's divulged about himself to anyone throughout the duration of his time on the show. When he walks through the living room, the rest of them go "Big Dick Man. Oh, shit. It's Big Dick Man." It's all anyone knows about him. I have decided we will call Jonathan "Punk" Plummer by a new name. I must refer to him as "Pug." He looks like a strung-out pug. It's distracting. A pug with a half-done perm and a 5-pound bag of Domino sugar in the tank. It knows that watch ain't from no damn Egypt. He bought it from a nigga he "swear must be Egyptian or something." I'm glad she finally acknowledges him as a fucking idiot. The idiot had a moment of clarity, though. A little brain power from the moron. He knew he could take his Jerry Lewis of the Projects act home without having to suffer the indignity of "winning." There's some genius to the idiot's way of analyzing the current situation. "We ain't never ate chicken wings and french fries on a project bench." So true, It. You ain't got no closer niggas than niggas you done sat and bust down a half chicken with french fries on a project bench with. Alright, maybe not. But at least every nigga you done that with is a nigga you close to, right? I'll take it. I don't like how she makes these niggas address her as "Goddess." Ugh. Fuck your stank-ass beef jerky pussy, talkin about some goddess. I had to seriously pump the brakes when Midget Mac got all personal. What the fuck?! Is this the Jerry Springer show or some shit?! Midget Mac got kids?! Plural?! Multiple kids?! Are they midgets too?! Even worse, Mac has a story of love lost too soon ago. The woman he found to love him and bear his elves somehow died. That is fucking horrendous. The douche that kicked away the midget's ladder? He was with her until 4 months ago. New York: Have you dated anyone since then? Midget Mac: No. I cain't find nobody get low enough in the club. If I told you once, I told you a million times. They wrong for ridiculing this midget. Is it just me, or is Tailor Made's daugther a little dark. I wanna see the wife now, dammit. That kid looked Vietcong. Did anyone else peep Pug's face as Tailor Made insisted on signing after being urged not to by the homeless lady? Nigga is watching like "CURSE HIM! CURSE HIS ASS!" If New York fucks around and ends up choosing Pug, she is gonna go full Terry McMillan. I promise. When he finally leaves her to stop "fishing" with Pretty and live with him full-time, she's gonna score herself a deal writing for Triple Crown Publications. Hire me, Tiffany. I'll take you places. We'll eat through this bread. You don't have to embarrass us anymore. We'll do what we can to de-Muppetize you and we will land your book deal. You don't need to go to school or run spell check or nothin. So, Tailor Made wants to redeem himself at dinner, huh? Well if a reception colder than Isiah Thomas on the Ellen DeGeneres show wasn't enough indication, Dr. Buddha E. B. Dubois'letter pees all over Taylor Dane's popsicle. With all this testosterone on her brain, she needs to take a cigarette break with one of these mens. Which one steps up to the plate? Nate Robinson! "You got futhered pillows in there?" I'm gonna have to agree with Pretty. Midget Mac is the man. His woman probably wasn't even another midget. New York needs to be careful though. You can get 5-10 for tonguing a midget in some states. Midget Mac look like a damn mascot for Nacho Mama at the pool party. What was they playin? Pin the tail on the midget? Hat bigger than him. Walkin about shakin maracas and shit lookin like Babalooey. Awful. Saving Mac from being the freakiest-looking thing in the room is ManBearPig. Back and more boorish than ever, MBP has the audacity to throw her drink at The Entertainer. I don't give a fuck who you are. Disrespect me like that and they gonna have to pull me off of you. I'll make a ManBear jacket and purse out of that bitch. I guess New York needs someone in her corner, though. Tiffany is one of them stupid bitches that will always go for the bullshit. Once she wants you, you can wipe your dick on her forehead and disrespect her. The jury's still out on whether or not The Entertainer is the devil, as MBP claims. However, there is no denying that this man is a fucking moron. "Hmmm. I think this whole Mom-not-liking-me thing is working to my advantage somehow." DING! DING! DING!, Sgt. Asshole! The more you fight MBP, the more Tiff will love you! Why am I disappointed that New York saw her chance to ditch the midget and cite emotional reasons? Tailor Made still married up in the house. You get passed around like a lucy in the detention center yourself. Why can't Mac stick around? I bet if Wolf told you his baby mama died you'd be happy as hell not to have to compete with her for the dick. Peace, Torrey! You're my nigga. You deserve better than both this desertion and this legacy. Peace, It. If I were the guy in charge of coming up with "Friday" installments, I'd cast you in the next one. Make your stupid ass work for sneakers and lemons. My heart skipped a mini beat as I thought Chance was coming back. But, hey. I say: If spit boy can stay, Buddha should be in the house too. Understand now that you have set a terrible precedent and will allow violence to prevail in your home. It's going to be the TerrorDome Pussy Battle Royal presented by Boar's Head.

New York Knicks Acquire Britney Spears' Children

By Ronaldo H. Mexico, Dissociated Press Writer NEW YORK - The New York Knicks have adressed their frontcourt concerns by acquiring Sean Preston, Jayden James and cash considerations from the Los Angeles Gigolos for Britney Spears, the remainder of her dignity and the maximum contracts of Penny Hardaway and Shandon Anderson. The move comes as little surprise to most fans. Eariler this week team president, coach, general manager and strip mall pimp Isiah Thomas traded for Los Angeles Clippers second-round draft choice, Jared Jordan. The move pushed the active roster to 18 players, three over the limit of 15 players. "This is a bittersweet day for our organization." the disgraced Thomas said to reporters from the podium at Madison Square Garden's press room. "We thank Britney and her vagina for all they have done to help this team." At the same time Garden fans are abuzz with excitement for a team that should be decidely younger and faster. "Oh, yeah. I saw James on the monkey bars in Pasedena while filming 'Malcolm X2: The Final Call'" said an elated Spike Lee this morning after the deal was formally announced. "I think he's going to be a force to be reckoned with on the glass. I love the hustle that little white boy brings to the game." Not all is fawn and games for the Knickerbockers' saviors-to-be. Fans and paparazzi alike are well aware of their noted troubles with the opposite sex. Sean Preston had been romantically linked to Klingon umbrella sales representative, Rihanna, while Jayden James has often been photographed around Los Angeles canoodling with "Heroes" star, Hayden Panettiere. "I think they're going to do well with the bitches," Thomas said while rubbing at his eyebrows "--so long as they don't call them that." "I don't really bother with all the talk of the romantic involvements and all that." deflected star point guard Stephon Marbury. "I'm just here to play basketball. Besides, there's no greater love than kissing your own sister and they don't have sisters as far as I know, so they don't know love. I do that to stay closer to God." When asked about a plan in place to resolve remaning roster crunch, Thomas opted to anchor the conversation to today's acquisitions. "[The organization] has some very difficult decisions to make in the next couple of weeks." the general manager replied flashing his $11.6 million-dollar smile. "However, we're already working on improving team chemistry. Zach [Randolph] has been taking child care classes and reading books and such. He's going to be like a big brother to Sean and Jayden." "S.P. is cool. I kicked it with him at last year's All-Star Weekend." said troubled Knicks forward Zach Randolph of his new teammate. "We're just hoping Jayden proves more LeBron than Jerome."

Real Sports with Ron Mexico: Damn, Steph! I Thought You Loved Your Family.

Nope, I'm not talking about his wife. I don't even feel sorry for her. She knew the strange, strange man she married. She's lucky none of his weird sex props were involved in the details. Instead, we brace for a tidbit that the New York Post would headline "Marbury Cockblocks Cousin." Yep. They're that clever. In the latest goings-on at Jimmy Dolan's Animal House, MSG intern Kathleen Decker, a white bitch twice as hot as Kobe's chunky mistake, testified in the sexual harassment trial of New York Knicks president and head coach, Isiah Thomas. Much to the chagrin of plaintiff and Amazon enforcer, Anucha Browne-Sanders, Decker testified that her sex with New York Knicks point guard and talk show host, Stephon Marbury was, in fact, consensual. This all reads to me as if the little intern birthday play wasn't even run for Steph. Marbury's cousin, one of many Marburys and Marbury derivatives employed by MSG, was apparently waiting for her on the other side of the parking lot. Steph pulls up with the Champ Bailey and plucks this little white bitch out of the sky. "Are you going to get in the truck?" "Hell fuckin' yeah I'm gonna get in the truck." Why fuck the janitor cousin when you can fuck a nigga that you know is gonna spring for some Waffle House after he sling you the soul pole? I bet Steph skeeted off and left a box of $15 Starburys on your back. In case you weren't quite aware of Stephon Marbury's mental health status, here are a couple of reminders: I write like this to stay closer to God.