Flavor of Love 3: "Bigger, Blacker & Skankier"

Do you all realize how much time we've spent on the Flavor Flav reality franchise? Not even including his season of "The Surreal Life" and "Strange Love," we've seen a 2 "Flavor of Love" installments, 2 seasons of "I Love New York" and a "Charm School" for the castaways. I'm really all Flavored-out. That's a lifetime's worth of coonery crammed into a few short years. I don't know why I didn't think stooch harvest could get any skankier than the Season 2 crop. Following recent market trends in reality ho television, I should have assumed the greasiest of project lobby boppers would find their way to the VH1 casting couch. I'm sorry for keeping you guys waiting so long to dig into them. Let's get into it. In honor of Black History Month (and Blent in my case) Flavor decides to "empower" the contestants by allowing them to choose their own nicknames this season. Much like the 40 acres and mule we've never seen, this chewed-up California Raisin far from keeps his promise. Only the light-skinned ones that work in the house get to keep their names. Speaking of slaves, it's nice to see that John Thompson-lookin molestin-ass Big Rick back. Ah, we laugh for a second, and then it hurts. I refuse to learn and [im]properly spell most of these names (i.e.: "Myammeeee"), so this season you're gonna have to just ride with me. I might just describe them by physical attributes or what I think they should be referred to as. Why is Flavor frontin like the big white woman ain’t the black man’s fantasy? I'm not saying it's mine, but every time I go to the mall I see Jamal walking down the strip holding hands with a girl just like Peechee but not even as cute. Jamal's smiling his ass off too like he just came up on a lifetime's supply of pork rinds. Maybe he did. I can tell the twins apart. One of them looks like she got hit in the mouth with a hot tire iron. Sadly, that's the one with the tighter body. Historically Flavor has shown that he doesn't discriminate on the othrodontically challenged. His doing so would be the pot calling the kettle "nigger" anyway. I don't know if I could rock with being referred to as a "Thing," but hey... you're already a Flavor of Love contestant. You might as well roll with whatever Nickelodeon slime they toss down on your head. Hotlanta is actually one of the cutest girls on the program. She's been through some shit, obviously, but she cleans up pretty nice. She's got 3 kids at home she's neglecting for this and she's one of my early horses. I'm gonna count Mylanta AKA "My Mama Was On Flavor of Love" as a top 5 player. My homie Diablo straight up called this next one. When Tik hit the screen wearing all them damn Swatches my nigga said: "Bitch lookin like Roz from 'Night Court.'" That's why I fucks with this nigga. He's the only nigga I know besides CBW who could beat me to a Marsha Warfield reference. I know Tik had to eat a lot of fucking Honey Nut Cheerios and send in a LOT of UPCs for all 30 of them watches she got hanging on for dear life by the last latch. Speaking of early references, before we got to parlay it ourselves, the producers and editors made sure to give us the "Shy" and New York comparison. First of all, Shy is a horseyface. You might rub up on her in a dark nightclub when you're ripped off of Incredible Hulk, but not in broad daylight and shit. I bet she really is "a fresh of breath air" like she says, though. She just looks like she got that chronic Newport breath. On the alone time tip, Rayna really tried to bullshit Flavor. He may have had himself a few coketails, but damn... I'm sure he remembers why he wears that effin clock. Bitch pulled a Damon Wayans in prison on "In Living Color." I went to school with a girl just like that. I could imagine before English class, she'd be in the bathroom just chanting to herself in the mirror. "Belieeeeeeeve the bullshit. Belieeeeeeve the bullshit." Couch time got a little cozy with the Oompa Loompas. I'll tell you what, Peechee had her big girl game ON. I gotta give her respect for having the courage to spit it like Flavor was any other dude she was diggin. What's up with Seesinz's voice? I bet you this girl is an R&B singer. If not, she just got herself a wicked portfolio piece for voiceover work. Shy, whose voice works over my nerves, needs to quickly learn that snitchin is a successful strategy on I Love New York… not Flavor of Love. Why did all of these hoes have a damn rap for Flavor? Grayvee’s weave is terrible and she looks like a dude I know. I hear her rappin about the titties. Foofy need to listen out for verse two where she talk about the dick. She also might have some ulterior motive for being on the show. I think she's working or KFC or some kind of chicken sponsor. Nigga fuck around and come back with that bird flu. I didn't wanna be too hard on Ice for stumbling on words. He's not exactly working with MENSA members here. Vanilla Ice might just be a “I don’t know” type of person. You know. Like how niggas start off every sentence with “nome sane?” I don't expect much more from a Detroit radio personality. Elimination Notes: I guess the damn twins do count as one contestant. I was wondering about that. The funny thing is, he chose the one with the fucked up teeth first! Nigga is gonna have to start doing gum checks like back on the auction block. This is a crazy precedent, letting Skeezle Dee and Skeezle Dum share a chain. I wonder how this continues to play out. Yes, Peechee. You're going home. Yes, Peechee. Your purpose is to go make BBW porn. Don't worry. There's a black guy out there for you somewhere. To the internet winners: Just because you had your whole housing project voting for you at the library doesn’t mean you deserve to be there. The funny shit is that Flavor really believed the internet fans "loved" him. I guess he's too high on that shit to know that NO ONE LOVES HIM!!!! There's usually a surprise cast-off on the first episodes of these things. There damn sure was not this time. Internet bitches, big bitches and underbite bitches all must go. Crazy ass Tik fulfilled Flavor's big girl quota. I'm picking Bee-Ex as my early favorite. She makes the most sense early on. Though i'd test drive the Bunz on the way. Prancer looks like a lame-ass Holly Robinson and could pull the Hoopz on homie. He ain't too bright. Looks like I'll be able to take a week off at some point this season as the hoes are gonna roast each other! I can't wait. We'll get caught up with the "Playin' Doctor" episode ASAP.

I Love New York: The Reunion (CFBE)

What does CFBE stand for? ...--We'll get to that a little later. I almost forgot that VH1 is obliged to bring the bitch niggas back together for one last self-contained, entirely unintentional roast hosted by Carmelo's sleepy-eyed KB. I know the LaLa jokes have been beaten like a foster daughter but I'll be damned if her tired ass didn't look like she just had the baby that morning. You, yet again, are about to host the reunion episode of America's greatest guilty pleasure. You mean to tell me you ain't have time to go get you a wash-and-set? You let Carmelo do your makeup or something? The shit looks like a color-by-number drawing of RuPaul. You couldn't go see the Asians for the pre-game workup? Facial, manicure, pedicure? You ain't have time for a little "Herrowwwww, Ra-Ra!?" Caramello must got you busy in the candy factory, huh? I hope VH1 doesn't really believe that "I Love New York" viewers are necessarily New York fans. Sure, there is a subset of strange individuals that genuinely adore Tiffany Pollard as her New York character presents. There is a far larger percentage of viewers who are viewers because it is human nature to slow down and watch a 7-car collision with a very high likelihood of fatalities. The first man-whore presented was the entire case for fetal fatality. Larry Fishburne's acting coach and adviser, It. NORE's Cousin It brought a cinder block and bricks to break. After actually breaking the cinder block and bricks with his mighty retard hand, he asserted to New York, his one true love "I'm trynna show you what I could do." Please. My brother Brillo show.-- With mighty strength and skill come a mighty retardation. As the program was obviously divided into segments with specific timestamps, It wasted zero time in making me dazedly stammer to myself "Oh, my god. This nigga brought cold french fries in a box." I'd like to think I'm not alone there. Even white people had that reaction. Don't lie to me, Amanda. Speaking of abominable miscegenation, Sister Patterson is what Uncle Ruckus was talking about when he said "anyone could put lipstick and a wig on a monkey." There's no way this shit is for real. VH1 has gone full-on WWF. I mean like WWF in the 80s when Hulk Hogan, Macho Man, Jake the Snake, Ravishing Rick Rude, Bret "The Hitman" Hart, Ted Dibiase and Koko B. Ware (when whitey wasn't looking) were all trying to put their shriveled-up 'roid weenies all up in Miss Elizabeth. So, seriously? Champion is diggin Sister Patterson out?! She's a ManBearPig and this nigga look like Shawn Wayans on that Roger Clemens. I know what happened here. He caught a glimpse of them stretchmarks and it was over. He was all Ray Lewis on it. Number 52's number had been called and he had to get in there. It was sickening how Champion defiled homegirl's moms on TV like that. The whole crowd went all Springer on it. They gave him pounds and shit. Hmmm. Maybe it was closer to a Maury crowd. Without even an attempt at a worthwhile transition, as Lala has already been dickslapped several times by the teleprompter (because she's horrible), we proceed to the best reality dating character ever. In the first episode, standing among the... you know... normal men, Midget Mac had a face like a scrappy little pitbull. He saw Sister Patterson and sensed her evil. It hasn't let up. He still wants to bark on her, maybe tell her to suck his full-sized midget dick. Yeah, Sister Patterson. Slob on that dwarfy cane. Speaking of cane, they made it clear that they brought Wolf's old inarticulate ass back in front of a camera to settle that little matter of swinging the Hillshire Farms kielbasa. Looking like Flesh N Bone home on a furlough, Wolf mumbled incoherently an agreement to step behind a curtain with Sister Patterson to show her if his dick was anything special. They should have gone full-on Crying Game. Have Sister Patterson whip her shit out. "Now, that's a big dick, you ass-backwards country shit." Thank whoever you pray to that the moron didn't take his cock and balls out. Dick shows always get Sister Patterson a little antsy in the pantsy. Once she gets that syrup in her, there's no stopping that ManBear. Thankfully, she's riled up just in time to greet those low-class Guinea fucks from the restaurant. After watching the VH1 mini documentary, "A Day In The Fuckin Life Of Frankie Goombas," New York was certain she made the right decision. Could you imagine Frankie and that moolie broad Tiffany fucking in the Pizzigniolirella basement? In that town, it'd be the equivalent of Frankie boning Grace Jones. At least that's what all the neighbors who watched through that big ass window with no shade think. Frankie's dad really got it in on "Mister Patterson." I'm pissed. Why didn't I think of that? I also should have known she was a fucking dominatrix. It's the costume she wore to the party. It all came together. At first I thought she was going for some Prince, or maybe that she rode a horse to the show. It couldn't be any clearer now. Speaking of horses worn and beaten, I'm starting to feel terrible about this. Maybe LaLa's neither stupid nor a terrible actress. Maybe she just one of many inner-city youths with an undiagnosed vision problem. You can help. Join Ron Mexico City in the fight to get every kid in the projects to an eye doctor so J.J. can stop putting Diamond Crystal table salt with MSG on his Rice Chex. I don't like Punk & Buddha as the new NWA man-wrasslin' tag-team champions. Punk seems to forget that Buddha doesn't respect him in the least. Buddha seems to forget that Punky Booster played Runteldat to New York the entire second half. Millione made sure he got his face time though. I'm just upset that they so obviously pitted a low-grade contestant pawn up to Buddha just for the sake of stirring up shit. It was like that time that fan got involved in the Million Dollar Man fight and they kept him in the federation. Maybe that's how Millione gets into "the show." Noteworthy Faces in Crowd: White guy with grills, Anthony Anderson look-alike. Solomon Wise tried to deliver Tailor his come-uppance during the "I Have A Dream" speech. That's some trife shit, for sure. Too bad his aim is terrible. His shit worse than Mike Vick. It's so terrible that I couldn't envision him ever engaging in self-defense. Wise would get his shit cracked missing by that wide a margin. Not only did he miss the punch by a mile, but he overshot the landing like Chester Cheetah. He absolutely drilled the back of that chair, though. Grade: D-. Booooooo, Mr. Wise! You should have cracked Tailor Made when he spit on you. Buddha hit him for a lot less and was allowed to stay. Neither New York nor VH1 management can say shit about that. They've let this shit get Springer on every level possible. As we leave this season's reunion episode with the title "Corniest, Fakest Bullshit Ever," I'd like to take the time to recognize VH1 Celebreality's first actual success story. No, not that Tailor Made and New York are still together and madly in love at the time of the reunion episode. We've managed to avoid finding New York pregnant with Tailor Made's baby. Flavor of Love 3 is right around the corner. You deeeig?!

The Salt & Pepa Show: What? A Man?!

That wasn't so long ago, Saltine? Was it? This week on "The Salt & Pepa Show." The girls try to find someone who can fill the void Mr. O.P.P. Man left in Sandy's heart and vagine. A charismatic older dude in a green suit and gold hat told me the two were connected. He also rambled on about "schooling me to some game," but he lost me at "best bottom bitch." Damn, you guys are right! Pepa is looking like a forgotten Jackson sister with that new nose. Fuck. She couldn’t do coke if she wanted to. That shit so tight. Them nostrils gotta be the tightest holes left on her body, huh? Before the caveman search had come to fruition, I couldn't help but think about what 2-years of pent-up Amazon freakiness is gonna do to that first nigga. 2 years without dick? Really? That is a looooooong ass herpes outbreak. The first date we witness is a double between Cheryl and the black Labrador she refers to as her husband, and Pepa accompanied by the first nigga off the Rikers Island bus. I know looks aren't everything, but this dude reminded me of my man from "One-on-One". No, not Shanice's husband. I guess a 2-year banana sabbatical will have you ready to fuck anything. Speaking of Flex... What kind of nigga gonna have the nerve to ask a question like this in front of his date and her married friends?: "Ummm... Are you flexible with monogamy?" Negro, you askin Salt-N-motherfuckin-Pepa?! You ain’t hear the interlude at the end of “Very Necessary.” I'm still scarred by that shit! She got AIDS forever! Not for play, play! I never endorse the notion of paying a matchmaker to hook someone up. First of all, this matchmaker they saw will only bring back all the niggas he didn’t fuck. Secondly, if you can't find someone worth your time within your extensive friend circle, then maybe that's part of the damn problem. You need to stop surrounding yourself with ain't-shit bitches and the ain't-shit niggas they attract. Damn, it must be hard out here for these women when even S&P can't find a decent man out here. I wish there were enough Ronaldo for all of you. With that said, Salt wins the "Oh, please bitch!" Award. She went to the matchmaker's office and turned away like 5 quality niggas under the guise that "Pep wouldn't like them." Meanwhile, Pep is at home trying to fit a fucking ottoman into her honey hole! Pep would have liked ALL of those niggas! Shit, Pep would have liked all of those niggas at ONCE! YOU didn’t like them, you miserable bitch! Pep would have taken all them motherfuckers on at once like Grace Jones in "Conan the Destroyer." What does she hook her friend up with instead? Oh, of course. The nerdiest youth minister in her congregation. If I were Pep I would have turned to Salt and knocked her the fuck out. She's probably sitting at that table thinking "I wonder what the fuck Spinderella is getting into right now." The funny thing is Salt got her Christian brother backsliding! He was ready to David Alan Grier that shit. His mouth is saying all the right shit, but his eyes are saying "Damn. It's been 17 years since I had me a nice titty fuck." The Devil had him ready to put his hands on breastesses that wasn't his. You know it was on his biscuits because he was like "Let's Talk About Sex" entirely unprovoked. "How do you feel about premarital sex?" Nigga, ain’t nobody trynna fuck you! Why you askin the fuckin questions?! You didn't neeeeeever have to worry about that. Salt, you done fucked up doubly. Pepa is a whole new degree of bored and lonely, your youth minister friend just went home to jerk off, how about you and Jesus take a break from matchmaking for a little bit?

I Love New York 2: The Empire Strikes Out

Tailor [Bitch-]Made has been a busy little hair plug this week, hasn’t he? In the mold of the great Red Oyster before him, Tailor Made has been doing his damndest to keep the shit pot well stirred. Little did we all know, he’d chosen to fuck with “the wrong one,” as they say in the ghetto. *snicker snicker* After Tailor snitched out Cedric the Entertainer’s Comic View routine to Midget Mac, he expected to see some Battier-on-black crime up in that motherfucker. Instead, much to his surprise, The Entertainer danced around the charging midget and ran up on Tailor Made all psycho-like. This is hysterical on two counts: 1. The Entertainer ain't want no anna with Mac. Who wants to take the risk of getting their ass handled by a little person on national television? I mean, I'm pretty sure I could punt him across the room, but who knows? Maybe he’s been punted before and knows how to handle himself in such a situation. 2. Tailor Made was shocked as hell that Battier’s attention would turn to him. Everyone else is familiar with the premise of snitches getting stitches, but Tailor’s heart jumped out of his hair transplant when the action turned directly to him. In response to the afternoon’s display of bitch-dom, The Down Low Coalition of Buddha, 20 Pack, Punk, Ceddy, Wolf and Pretty pulled off a pretty damn excellent prank. Using an old challenge card, they convinced all of the guys to stand out by the pool for hours like there was free cheese to be had. As per plan, Tailor Made and It stayed out all morning like some simp-ass bitches. If I had to stand out there with fucking It all night they’d find me in the morning alone. I’d have turned his buffoon ass over to the Klan or something. The real challenge, as presented by Big Gay Pun, was to come up with a commodity of some kind that would further the Tiffany “New York” Pollard empire… Hold up. Did this bitch have the audacity to call what her life has amounted to an “empire?” Wow. We’re really getting looser with the written language the longer we’ve been allowed to use it, huh Black America? Shut your fucking face, unclefucker! Pardon me for placing 20 Pack in the “Down Low Coalition” earlier. This man is gay as hell. The first idea that comes out of his sugar-crusted mouth is making an “I Love New York” iPod with glitter and sprinkles and shit. They’ve been doing that shit in Greenwich Village since iPods were invented. You can go down to St. Mark’s Place right now and find a nigga that look just like 20 Pack gluing sequins on pink iPod nanos. I can’t do The Entertainer’s mockery of business school education any more justice than Man-Man did. “He went and got a liquor bottle and put a fuckin’ cape on it.” Better still, he want’s to market this as cologne. It's a bottle of Bombay Sapphire! Ridicule aside, that’s far from the worst idea for furthering your emp--… Ugh. I can’t say it. Anybody who’s anybody is out there trying to hock some funky-ass yak piss in a swanky bottle. I love how the white boy, Cheezy, thinks Blaxploitation is the way to push CB4 to the next level. That’s both funny and genius on a few different levels. Shit. Anything is better than It’s suggestion of a home AIDS test. Wow. 2-for-2 on the stereotypes, retardos. Good work! Last thing I wanna see is It the Propylactic King on BET telling kids to Rap-It-Up because by nature I’m going to do the opposite of ANYTHING he tells me. If he is out there urging safe sex, I’m goin raw. Every time. That nigga can't even say "Rap-It-Up!" Did you hear that scrambled slave chatter that came out of his mouth when he tried to explain why he was sleep-standing with Cheezy? Jesus. When did “voluptuous” become insulting to women with ginormous ass and titties? Shit. It’s better than what they used to call New York. “Hey, nasty bitch with the big ass and titties!” In a strangely ironic way I’m glad Cheezy Tarantino and them won the challenge. I can see it now: “Did you see a sign out front that said "Dead Hooker Storage?" Then why the fuck is Hoopz in my garage with half of her brain blown the fuck off?” They tickled her acting clitoris. Obviously an aspiration to act is why she’s here. The plan just went terribly wrong somewhere and she ended up with Flavor Flav’s charcoal stick in her mouth. Sometimes the road to Hollywood is bumpy, y’all. What I wasn’t pleased to see is how Tailor Made played Cheezy de Bergerac. However, regardless of Cheezy’s role in the project, she was gonna have one-on-one time with the man whose dictate the best. Yes, Tailor is a pathetic bastard. A woman with some common sense would at this point be wondering why he’s so happily separated! His wife sold him to you over the phone like a broke down Camaro! I also love the nerve behind the challenge! CB4 talkin bout her man need be prepared to cover a magazine with her. Really?! I think what she meant to say was: “Any man who wants be with me better prepare to be on the cover of Black Tail.” What did Tailor Made think that telling New York he finds The Toe-Sucker dangerous? You KNOW that's only gonna make a stupid ho like New York want him more. I hate to beat a dead crackhead, but, it's like we forgot she fucked Flavor. By the way, toe-sucking is where I cross the line as far as what I can and cannot watch. I sat through Chance and Tango back-to-back sex scenes last season. I can’t watch a nigga come up with some candy corns in this one. I'm glad Buddha let out his frustration with the Tailored one, but I'm not sure how I feel about the fact that his "digsust for" another nigga "surpasses his love for [New York]." In principle, that sounds kinda bitch made. I gives a fuck about the next man, you know? Focus, Buddha! Bring that skank home! Tango ain't fuckin' with you, son! Wise hasn’t said 2 words on this program and keeps advancing. I almost feel bad mentioning him because he hasn’t warranted it. I saw the preview for next week though. I think his first words are going to be "I'll FUCKING KILL YOU, YOU FUCK!" It came as little surprise to me that Cheezy and Man-Man went home. If she's sending home two at a time, she might as well cut the bullshit and drop the ones she's not attracted to. With that said, isn't winning a challenge supposed to count for something? If this is how she's gonna play it, niggas might as well go the Wolf route and whip out their dicks... start sucking on toes or something. There are 10 left right? That's a nigga per toe with Midget Mac on the Della Reese pinkie.

2007 VH1 Hip-Hop Honors Recap

These niggas said "Fuck a BET Hip-Hop Awards!" The only thing VH1 gives away to The Negro Channel is quality of host. I'd much rather watch Katt Williams take shots at attendees than Brian Fellow either doing his best impersonation of a Hip Hop Infinity message board poster driving a cab or staring mindlessly at the telepromtper between backstage bumps. Oh, there was a lot of coke at this awards show. Kerry Washington presented the Missy Elliot award wearing a dress that looks like it drops down from the overhead when your plane is in freefall. They had my beautiful baby boo in damn life raft. The dress may not inflate, though chocolate deliciousness is flowing through it. With that said, I'd never seen that overbite before! That thing is marvelous. She looks like a fucking stork in an oil spill. The dome must be monstrous. I see you Tweet! Good to know you're still alive and apparently digging through Macy Gray's trash. Eve brought a whole sheet escape rope with her. That wasn't no damn weave! My only qualm with the Missy tribute was that they should have brought back the little white girl she had in her videos a few years back. Eh, nevermind. That little girl probably got 2 mulatto kids by now. For all the jokes I make about Keyshia Cole, let it be known that I love her ghetto ass. Pokemon weave and all. I made her a paper valentine back in 4th grade. Yeah. It's like that. What can I say about Nelly Furtado in that black dress that hasn't been said about Shrek? I wanna beat the brakes off that donkey. Seriously... Where did that shit come from? I thought by far the best part of the program was the New Jack Swing tribute. Then again, I'm a Harlemite in his mid-20s. I'm biased as hell. In case you aren't entirely clear on what you witnessed with during the Keith Sweat "I Want Her" performance, I'm here to help. I'd call that Roberto Clemente crash-and-burn disaster "T-Pain Exposed." Fear not, black people of America! Though your ears may never recover from the brutal cockdown they endured Monday night, there is a silver lining to the shitstorm. We need to gather all of our children, no matter how lame, crippled, lazy, stupid or otherwise defective, and get them Vocoders! Those little bastards are like Bill Cliton's dick. Go slap that shit in your mouth and be somebody! They should have let that Licorice Fruit Roll-Up Ne-Yo do the whole thing. That would have been best for everyone... I guess except Keith Sweat who's finally found someone who can't sing his own shit better than he can. I really enjoyed the Teddy Riley set, though. Kanye ain't never lie. Chauncey really black as the street was. I was a little disappointed with "Rumpshaker" time. Not only was Pharrell there and should have been available to help, but the hoes... Damn those hoes. That was the laziest set of hookers on coffee break I ever saw. The song is called "Rumpshaker!" Shake somethin! Do the wop! Something! It was like 12 bitches just leanin on furniture and instruments. Shouldn't one of them been holding a saxophone or some shit? Maybe they were all just staring at LL Cool J backstage. That nigga look like he slept over at Jim Jones' place the night before and had to borrow some clothes. LL had the Elmer's Glue and glitter for the shirt in his overnight bag already. When Kool Moe Dee came down the stairs I almost freaked because I thought it was Biggie. That would have been some shit, VH1. Since you're in the business of exhuming rapper carcass already, why not bring B.I. to the next shit? Give him a Monday night series too. Put it on right after Flavor of Love 4. It was really great to see Busy Bee rock live. No jokes for him aside from the fact that he started out lookin like he was running for the bus. Other than that, he really did his thing. KRS wasn't even invited, he just jumped on the big gay nigga's shoulders in the front row, jacked the mic and started freestyling. I think we all would have been far more entertained with a KRS-One vs. Nelly edition of Celebrity Deathmatch. See, people. Here's the difference between a franchise Viacom actually gives a rat's dick about (VH1) and their Negro League affiliate (BET). On VH1 you get Chris Rock coming out to pay tribute to Whodini. On BET you get Yung Joc giving a ringtone lifetime achievement award to Young Jeezy. You on HEYEELL DAYTE!!! I watched Whodini's little testimonial and thought "You a bold motherfucker wearing that Bullets jersey with no undershirt, and what's up with your man? Is he supposed to be a Muslim Genie or some shit?" I also spit up some beer upon listening to them cautiously try to explain that their albums were put out by Afrikaaners. "Ah, yes. The freaks do come out at night, Kleinbaas!" I love how the big dude from Whodini came out with half a cow's worth of leather on. The best thing about their wardrobe was that VH1 didn't provide that shit. They had all that in their closets already. All they did was go to the Saturday collection. My homeboy thought Bobby Brown was performing with them. Good to go! *does Taco Bell wrist flick* How could you not appreciate the 1981 danceoff?! T-Pain should be fucking ashamed of himself for letting some 60-year-olds shit on him like that. You're officially dead to me, Teddy Pain. Until my brother, Ricky puts your CD on in the car again. Then I have to like you for the rest of the drive. Really? A Harvey Keitel intro for "Snoop Dogg the master artisan?" They make this shit sound like Keitel's been rolling Snoop's chronic since 1992 and that Snoop has been giving Keitel acting tips. By this point I officially wanted to slap the guy at VH1 writing these presentations and testimonials. You know they got some pencil dick on it. I'll tell you one thing about NWA. As "badass" as many thought him to be in 1991, you definitely don’t wanna be Eazy-E. You wanna be makin family movies and chillin and shit. Pharrell only gets to do "Ain't Nothin But A G Thang" because he was once Snoop’s owner. I love how Daz whooshes up a penis pump to do Skateboard P's adlibs. I also love how Ice-T’s prehistoric ass really tried to C-walk. Wowsers! That shit looked like a light-skinned Al Sharpton trying to walk it out. Entirely worth the price of admission. Couldn't save the live performance by getting Coco to show her tits this time, could you, Ice? Doesn’t Ciara have a restraining order against Bow Wow? They let him perform? That's not a violation? I was fully prepared to bomb Phife Dawg to hell with the same crack jokes I would anyone else who threw the good life away on dope until I was informed that he was really sick. Damn. Phife Dawg is disintegrating in his high school jacket while Vanilla Ice is doing coke with Jose Canseco in an In-and-Out Burger drive-thru as you read this. Speaking of a hippy-hop world on its own head, Common starts off the ATCQ tribute set with an ass grab! What a confused little coffee shop boy we’ve become, Lonnie "The education of Lon-*chicka*-Lonnie Lynn/ be-gan, be-gan with time." I'm calling it. Common's gonna be the next surprise Negro celebrity doing a Denny's commercial spot. Nigga gonna have a bacon-eating shot and everything. Mark my words. Aren't you supposed to be hip-hop's bookworm, Lupe Fiasco? How in the hell did this man fuck up the Relaxation of Electricity? Bust off on his couch and give him Seaman's furniture! People have already asked that bloggers give him clemency. Fuck that. He ain’t deserve to proxy Busta Rhymes! The DJ had to save their tiny light-skinned asses. I ain’t letting this nigga off the hook because of “Kick Push.” I also ain't letting Busta off the hook because he rocked the shit out of his "Scenario" verse. I see he's switched back to the Tower Isle's beef patties. He's sending Spliff Starr to White Castle instead of the juice bar these days. Come on, Bus'. Now's not the time to abandon the post-blunt Carrot/Beet/Apple/Ginger juice and shot of wheatgrass. Q-Tip look like he was in the back doing coke with Mos Def. Yep. I bet that's exactly what them niggas was doin. I’m glad Black Dante had the decency to help Tip change out of the shit that had him looking like Isiah Thomas fresh out of court. Did they have to bring Consequence with them? Eh, I guess Spliff Starr can't take everyone's White Castle order, now can he? Finally, I'm glad they found a job for Spinderella besides keeping Kenny Anderson's dick warm. Fuck it. Better late than never, I always say.