XXLMag.com | Negro Please: Weezy The Anti-Drug?

“I don’t drink alcohol. I never did like the taste of it… I’mma be the dude in the club drinking the most sweetest drink just ‘cause I care about what it tastes like. I feel you have to be a certain high or on a certain level to not even care what something tastes like and I don’t get to that point. Other than that, music’s my drug… I am the ultimate high… I could just look in the mirror or just cut on one of my songs or anything. I just feel myself. Look at me, you know? Yeah.” –Lil’ Wayne, BET’s Blueprint.

The above quotation is in response to Big Tigger asking Lil’ Weeziana about his “relationship with drugs and alcohol.” Strangely enough, Dr. Carter’s safe negro rhetoric comes long after his said “relationship” with the hot white girl has been put out there worse than Landon [Bobby, jr.] Brown’s.

Come on. We family, right XXL? Everybody here got a cousin or an auntie or a pops on that shit. Dwayne’s been crying out for help on record for years now. Nigga got the interview fodder to match. We gotta call bullshit when he goes on national TV trying to tell us we ain’t seen what we done saw and heard what we done heard.

It’s always the farthest-gone case that’ll try to slap that on that Vaseline, that one cheap-ass suit they got from the African spot, NOT shower, throw on that Mary J. Blige shit and tell you he won’t change his life. His life’s just fine.

Since Wayne’s got some change, he can try to cover it up with a bathing ape and some jewelry. Oh, and tattoos. Lots and lots of tattoos.

Welcome to Weezy’s online intervention.

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Soulja Boy TellEm: I Got A New Dance For Y'all Called "The Sweet 'N Low!"

I'm just saying. This is a rainbow district mating ritual. "Sssssh!-- ...and the African-American Salad Bird spreads its MiAKA feathers to attract a mate." Oooh. I must be gettin mad. He got him some bathing apes. Is this guy the A-rab he says he's going to "pass it to" on one of his previous classics? This shit is like a Mad TV sketch of itself. I am truly amazed by this divine caricature. I feel like I'm watching a car wreck. Not because I am watching a gay man perform, mind you. I love me some homos. No homo. I'm just saying that I am watching a closet case unable to hold it back, and that has to be some painful shit. BET Afterschool Special material. No, they don't exist. But if The Negro Channel wants to talk paper, I'll write some up. I'll start with "Real Talk: The Souljaboy Tellem Story." Damn, homie. And I was just about to discuss Bow Wow and Omarion's prison honeymoon, "Face Off" and the forthcoming BET reality series. Shit. I probably will anyway.

I Love New York 2: The Stooch In Review - "Actors Need Love Too, Baby!"

Before we explore how many derivatives of female genitalia these freaks saw in their ink blots, let's get these out of the way. Buddha, you on "Hell Date!" ...and you're gay! While the gentlemen were given over for psychoanalysis, the show behind the show was our forceful re-introduction to Miss New York as the undisputed queen of synthetic drama. Yes, synthetic drama differs from organic drama. After finding out Buddha had previously been a contestant on *GASP* reality television programs, CB4 goes ballistic on our boy, Ezra. The funny part is how he tried to differentiate the firmaments of garbage that "Hell Date" and "I Love New York 2" reside within. "Come on baby, that was just some old BET bullshit." That's low of VH1 to even go there. Like I Love New York is fucking Dateline. I Love New York ain't even To Catch A Predator. Then, where does "reality star" Tiffany "Janice" Pollard get off shitting on Buddha Man for working the same circuit as she? Fuck you, sexpot muppet! She'd be a spectacle regardless of Flavor Flav. If she didn't make the cut for "Flavor of Love" she'd be getting paid to fuck on stage in a Russian bar. Gorilla suit optional. On the side of virtue and giving these sociopaths the benefit of the doubt, “Actors need love too.” Unfortunately for Punk, no matter how much S-Curl, coke and steroids he brings to the table, New York isn't really down for his sweet ass. He should have ran behind his lover, Pretty. As we get down to the real business of the program, that being finding someone to diss New York in time for the reunion special in 3 weeks, Mr. Wise obviously had to go. His Charlie Chaplin of the Ghetto routine having run its course, homie can leave this program as the greatest anomaly in Abrego/Cronin history. At least Mr. Boston was interesting, you know? [More catch-up to come]

Take The Cake?... Don't You Mean "Cornbread?"

Come on, Negro Channel. Just say it. We'll respect you more. This is my new favorite Soulja Boy video. Don't get me wrong. It's nice to see Joe Clair getting a damn check. He's been getting his national commercials in and shit. Feed your family, proud black king. Gotta love that, right? But what the hell kind of darkie freak show do they have him working? I don't know if Ron Mexico could show up to this set with a clear conscience. I don't know what to say. Damon Wayans' performance in "Bamboozled" really touched me. Toccara would come chunky pose at your auntie's cookout for a soggy $50 bill and some of them ribs. I'm not surprised to see her here. BET is probably paying her in Lane Bryant gift certificates. She's working for gear. As with any BET original programming, everything from the set to the camerawork is the lowest quality allowable by the FCC. This is not what sickens me. What really drowns my dogs is that this program is nothing more than a text message charge trap. I mean, pay-per-text services already ran the commercial advertising market network-wide. Why not push these shits with an hour-long program of our greatest commodity, negroid jackassery? Wanna crank dat thang between the text messages? Sure! Why the fuck not?! Hey, Toccara. Why don't you squeal like a stuck pig at everything Joe Clair says? Hey, Joe Cleezy. Could you do a little dance for whatever city/state/region the caller is from? Thanks, pal. Just last night, while viewing the program for the first time, I watched "ATL" star Jackie "Esquire" Long say "fuck it!" on a live broadcast after failing to correctly answer some very elementary Negro trivia. This program is an insult to our collective colored intelligence not only in the educational level of the trivia. This is an insult in their assumption that we don't know what the fuck this is. BET would have you believe that black people are nothing more than crankin, robocoppin, booty wallpaper-text-ordering sneaker monkeys. Niggas gettin mad cuz I got me some bathing apes. Here's some more cornbread and cabbage. "Let me spread some of this here sand on the floor..." Why don't they just get Rudy Ray Moore to host a ghetto-survival-flavored re-creation of "The Price Is Right?" Niggas can argue over food stamp conversions and dope quantities without scales and shit.

Truly A Hot Ghetto Mess

Trying to lull myself to sleep the other night I stumbled upon quite possibly BET’s greatest embarrassment to date, “Hot Ghetto Mess/We Got to Do Better/We Don’t Know WHAT the Fuck to Call This Bullshit.” So… The Negro Channel thinks we have to do better, huh? Ain’t that some funny shit? THAT should be the premise of the show! BET executives should make YouTube videos imploring and encouraging black people to do better. I mean, I ain’t never seen a crackdealer tell one of his fiends:

“I think you might need to slow down with this shit, my nigga. You sure your kids got all they food and clothing and shit before I slang you this here $20 rock?”

In a wildlife conservatory effort The (New) White Folks in Charge at TNC have done just that. The same network that assures black people at least waist-depth of winged monkey shit to wade through now wants to toss a nigga a shovel. Nice. Long before I gave into the temptation, I’d watched world-class video blogger Jay Smooth dig into this program a bit. Smooth, in a David’s Sunflower Seed shell, asserts that this program attacks the irrelevant and inconsequential (such as choices in leisure hairstyle and attire) instead of the true ills of Niggerdom. I couldn't agree more. Even the “We Got to Do Better” trivia segment is bogus. They got some Tyler Perry-lookin’ nigga asking people with four dollars in their pockets and five teeth in their mouths questions from the inside of the February Burger King crown. Secret: Your average Caucasoid-American can’t name the three branches of American government either. Unfortunately, through years of disappointment and misrepresentation, I’ve come to expect that degree of oversight from TNC. What I do not expect, however, is Dr. Charlie Murphy King, jr. to be there to rub your face in the shit. This is no teary Native American at the trash heap we’re talking about. This nigga is the trash heap. A cokehead/career flunkie like Charlie Murphy is the face of “doin’ better?!” Rewind.-- The man whose most valuable contribution to society is an Uncle Rebus fable of being hopped up on white and getting slapped around by Rick James in the briar patch is supposed to be the muse of chocolate-faced inspiration? Word… and I just signed up for Pacman Jones’ Stripclub Etiquette class. I’ll let you know how that shit goes. By the end of the episode, Mista Chawlee is damn near tellin’ it on the mountain. When I thought the snowjob couldn’t get any worse, Tyree ends the program with a full-on Nigger PSA. I’m sitting on my couch like “Wow. This shit is like Mr. Rogers with cognac.” About 3 seconds later I hear:

“SSSSLLUUUURP! AAHHHH!... V.S.O.P.”

Yep. We got to do better.