Look Who's In The Damn Super Bowl!

BALLINNNNNNN! ...except Lawrence Tynes. Fuck Lawrence Tynes. Addendum: Jacobs "do the running." Secondary loves to get burnt more than ODB.

Gallagher's 2000: Even Fuckin' Aliens Luv Deez Hoez

I'm pretty damn sure if some aliens came to earth and something made them want to stick around, it damn sure wasn't one of the C-Section All-Stars on the lunch shift at Gallagher's 2000. I'm sure there are a few breast implant scars Jim Jones would lick on the evening shift, but nothing to keep an alien or Prince or a nigga like that. Them bitches couldn't keep Zach Randolph around for 20 minutes. I guess to understand exactly how ridiculous this commercial is, you must have already gotten used to a couple years of this: Yeah... Giant ugly bitches stomping through the city like Power Rangers. You know this has to be Gallagher's A-game bitch too. You'd think the tightest they had to offer would be in their television commercial. A pimp usually has his best bottom bitch riding shotgun, right? I saw "Hustle & Flow." I'm pretty sure that's how it works. Anyways, these commercials tell a whole lot about the place it's pumping. If you guessed "seedy Long Island City fish box," I congratulate your superior intellect and intuition. Ha ha ha haaaaaaa. We luuuuuv deeeeez hoooez!

2007 Rewind: Yung Berg feat. Junior, Jim Jones & Rich Boy - "Sexy Lady [w/remix]" video

Some special people need to be addressed before we let a Mexico-shortened 2007 go. When I first saw this video, I said "Oh, my." I said "Oh, my... That's a fucking baby gremlin. Kill it! Kill it now!" Little baby gremlin niggas? Really, Sony pop R&B machine? That's what's hot in the streets? Fuck it. Let's just manufacture pit bulls that we can't kill. Dead all the confusion. The funny part is that he really thinks he's fucking T.I. when he actually looks like someone raised one of Michael Vick's dogs as a son. Be wary next time you see a nigga walking a pit bull with a doo-rag on. And who knew when they recorded this record that soon the lame Vick-related punchlines would bear an entirely different significance? Bringing the little nigga back to the realm of humanity, my good friend El Diablo hit it on the head when he told me "Yung Berg looks like a JV point guard." Is that Matt Barnes on the hook? The video: Same recipe as always. Add sugar, 2 scoops of stooch, 1 mini-rapper with Napoleon complex, 1 light-skinned R&B nigga. Shake well. Rush to BET offices with duffel bag full of $20 bills. The remix reveals the Lil' Fame in Berg. The director took far less precautions to make him look less gremlin. Jimmy, you stink. Pull your damn pants up. Ray Charles is a terrible rapper.

I Love New York 2: The Stooch In Review - "Girlfriends and Sisters"

Alright guys. Sorry for missing a few of these, but here we go. How funny was this shit? Before "The Parent Trap" came this year's "Ex-Girl To The Next-Girl" episode starring Tailor Made, Buddha, Mr. Wise, Frankie Goomba the Entertainer, Punk and Pretty. I don't think they could have dreamed of a more eclectic and entertaining collection of ex and "okay-with-all-this-fuck-shit-so-long-as-we-get-paid" girlfriends. I had 2-to-1 odds going that Mr. Wise's ex was gonna be a chocolate animal woman. She didn't have to fluff up his chocolate stick all unprovoked like that. In doing so, she revealed herself as a helper character. What I did NOT expect was Tailor Made's Jamaican bumboclot he married. Sure, you can like black women. Shit. A man ain't a man until he split the dark oak. The Jamaican woman, however, is an entirely different animal... er, umm... tree? As soon as I heard that accent I got flashbacks to getting my ass whipped in ways they'd lock a bitch up for in the States. This must be where his penchant for punishment comes from. He's all about the sugar cane beatings and Blue Montain Curry Powder in his tossed salad. Entertainer's woman was... sizeable, yes. No, she wasn't no 300-pound, half-Arctic seal-lookin broad. She was just Jersey. That's how they get down out there. Those bitches are at no shortage of meat-and-cheese pasta. As long as she's not some racist fucktard from the interior it's really all good, people. What was not all good was how homegirl dropped the nail that would eventually be driven into his coffin. There is no way New York is ending up with some package handler that lives in his parents' basement. "Nigga, please. You work for UPS." - Biz Markie "Don't be mad. UPS is hiring." - The Notorious B.I.G. "Special Delivery!" - G-Dep (now working at FedEx) Buddha's ex-girlfriends are all either still in the hospital from dicklash or have restraining orders, so his sister had to come out. Pretty's ex-girlfirends couldn't make the trip to Los Angeles to be on television because they were all... um... in the Astronaut Training Facility... in Atlanta. Yeah. That's it. So, his sister had to come out too. Keeping true to the "Flavor of Love" franchise format, New York and ManBearPig have face-to-face, woman-to-wildlife time with the contestants' loved ones while some special, secret, trustworthy guests of hers "interrogate" the men. I don't think anyone was surprised to see detectives Chance and Real on the case. We were due for a Stallionaire cameo, weren't we? High out of their minds, Chance and Real get the job done with interrogation questions like: "How did you get that scar across your lip?" "Snitchin!" "Why are you going bald?" "Do you strip, homie? Do you dip, homie?" I was hoping he'd expand on that one and ask "Do you spin the package around while you do your little dance?" While the weed cop/sherm cop routine worked on most, it backfired on perhaps the least likely contestant. Punk wasn't having any of that bullshit. He may be a little effeminate, but you won't be Punking Punk on national TV, especially when you look like Cam'ron and Jim Jones after the doctors told them there was nothing more they could do. Unfortunately for Pretty, he didn't corroborate his story with his co-defendant. There is a clear and cut problem when you say your mother and sister, whom you are inseparably close to, know every woman you've ever dated, yet your sister says she's never met a single one. Giving him the benefit of the doubt, that could just have been a situation of sister-girl lying to protect brother-man's privacy. However, the ties, the glitter pen, the bounce in his step and the sugar in his speech lead us to believe he's more than likely hiding the sausage if anything. Pretty's trapped in the closet!!! When New York approached the door to open it, Pretty pulled out his Beretta. "Pretty, do you know what time it is? I gotta meet my mo--" "Fuck yo' ass, bitch! Sorry, mama. Why the fuck everybody think I'm gay?" A nearly-outed Pretty wasn't the only one to pop off and be asked to leave the rent-a-mansion. Chance blew his chance at being invited back into the house by getting back on his Dipset shit. We all know the type. Famous will bark and fight the air knowing damn well he don't wanna get a mudhole stomped into his ass by one of these gargantuan negroes New York got floating around this time. Shit. Opening day looked like the clearance sale at Western Beef. Some of the niggas were even branded. While Pretty excused himself before the top on his Pringles got popped, Mr. Wise's sorry ass had to be dragged out in the next episode. Someone please explain to me how this man was able to get to the top 5? Was New York feeling his songs or some shit? I never understood his appeal. Ah, well. There are plenty more tar babies out there in search of the banana for their tailpipes. Too bad your "rap career" will always be affiliated with you publicly trying to fuck Man-ManBearPig. I'll hit you guys later today with the rest... AND what I thought of Snoop Dogg's Fatherhood!