No, I Don't Watch Fucking "Heroes!"

If I wanted to see fake-ass X-Men I'd pay homeless people in sandwiches to reenact it like everyone else does. I'm finally fully over the flu. Thanks for the well wishes! Here's your week ahead: Tuesday - "Boondocks" Catch-Up Wednesday - "I Love New York," "Boondocks" Catch-Up Thursday - "The Salt 'N Pepa Show" Catch-Up, "Boondocks" Catch-Up Friday - "Gotti's Way" Catch-Up, "Boondocks" Catch-Up Saturday - "Run's House" Catch-Up You get the picture. Now here's the deal: Flu aside, you see I got a lot of catch-up to do. I'm probably gonna have to drop one of these series. Which one would you miss the least? Speak now, or don't say shit when your "Gotti's Way" is discontinued.

The Salt & Pepa Show: What? A Man?!

That wasn't so long ago, Saltine? Was it? This week on "The Salt & Pepa Show." The girls try to find someone who can fill the void Mr. O.P.P. Man left in Sandy's heart and vagine. A charismatic older dude in a green suit and gold hat told me the two were connected. He also rambled on about "schooling me to some game," but he lost me at "best bottom bitch." Damn, you guys are right! Pepa is looking like a forgotten Jackson sister with that new nose. Fuck. She couldn’t do coke if she wanted to. That shit so tight. Them nostrils gotta be the tightest holes left on her body, huh? Before the caveman search had come to fruition, I couldn't help but think about what 2-years of pent-up Amazon freakiness is gonna do to that first nigga. 2 years without dick? Really? That is a looooooong ass herpes outbreak. The first date we witness is a double between Cheryl and the black Labrador she refers to as her husband, and Pepa accompanied by the first nigga off the Rikers Island bus. I know looks aren't everything, but this dude reminded me of my man from "One-on-One". No, not Shanice's husband. I guess a 2-year banana sabbatical will have you ready to fuck anything. Speaking of Flex... What kind of nigga gonna have the nerve to ask a question like this in front of his date and her married friends?: "Ummm... Are you flexible with monogamy?" Negro, you askin Salt-N-motherfuckin-Pepa?! You ain’t hear the interlude at the end of “Very Necessary.” I'm still scarred by that shit! She got AIDS forever! Not for play, play! I never endorse the notion of paying a matchmaker to hook someone up. First of all, this matchmaker they saw will only bring back all the niggas he didn’t fuck. Secondly, if you can't find someone worth your time within your extensive friend circle, then maybe that's part of the damn problem. You need to stop surrounding yourself with ain't-shit bitches and the ain't-shit niggas they attract. Damn, it must be hard out here for these women when even S&P can't find a decent man out here. I wish there were enough Ronaldo for all of you. With that said, Salt wins the "Oh, please bitch!" Award. She went to the matchmaker's office and turned away like 5 quality niggas under the guise that "Pep wouldn't like them." Meanwhile, Pep is at home trying to fit a fucking ottoman into her honey hole! Pep would have liked ALL of those niggas! Shit, Pep would have liked all of those niggas at ONCE! YOU didn’t like them, you miserable bitch! Pep would have taken all them motherfuckers on at once like Grace Jones in "Conan the Destroyer." What does she hook her friend up with instead? Oh, of course. The nerdiest youth minister in her congregation. If I were Pep I would have turned to Salt and knocked her the fuck out. She's probably sitting at that table thinking "I wonder what the fuck Spinderella is getting into right now." The funny thing is Salt got her Christian brother backsliding! He was ready to David Alan Grier that shit. His mouth is saying all the right shit, but his eyes are saying "Damn. It's been 17 years since I had me a nice titty fuck." The Devil had him ready to put his hands on breastesses that wasn't his. You know it was on his biscuits because he was like "Let's Talk About Sex" entirely unprovoked. "How do you feel about premarital sex?" Nigga, ain’t nobody trynna fuck you! Why you askin the fuckin questions?! You didn't neeeeeever have to worry about that. Salt, you done fucked up doubly. Pepa is a whole new degree of bored and lonely, your youth minister friend just went home to jerk off, how about you and Jesus take a break from matchmaking for a little bit?

The Salt & Pepa Show: Don't Push It!

Salt & Pepa's here... --But ain't shit in effect for these girls anymore. As expected on VH1, home of Celebreoverty, the dynamic duo hasn't been excited enough to "Shoop" since they were blurring the Hilfiger logos out of rap videos. The premiere of "The Salt & Pepa Show" did a fine job of explaining the premise of the estrogen war that the series is based upon. Cheryl "Salt" Ward done put down the chocolate magic sticks of the male video hoes (yes, a man can be a video ho) and got saved while her counterpart, Sandy "Pepa" Denton is still trying to live with Treach aftershock. Y'all saw "Love With A Bullet." That man left a paper towel tube-sized cavern where her coochie used to be. My partners and I had a pool going for when the obligatory waterfall of tears would begin. I thought they were gonna break in 5 minutes. They held out for an astonishing 6. Upon hearing of the opportunity to rock a Shaq party Pepa had that look on her face that said "Break out the 8-Ball jackets, bitch!" However, Salt is less than thrilled at the notion of being surrounded by the likes of Stephon Marbury and other nefarious, sexual deviant types. Their manager looked like Lieutenant Daniels watching Herc and Carver argue over where to get the best catfish sandwich in West Baltimore. The two debrief in very different ways. While Pep chooses to cackle it up with the cast of "Living Single" at Applebee's, Salt takes the issue up before her prayer group. Saltine's little vanilla prayer group buddy was like "Get your ass out there and bring those tithes to the congregation!" Damn. Salty dangles the threat of leaving like she's fucking A-Rod. This is why you gotta have solo shit going on. I don't understand. Treach could write for Latifah, but he couldn't help Pep get an LP off? I refuse to believe Latifah had better head game. Flavor Flav couldn’t hold PE back, right? Case in point, Pepa really suggested changing the first line of her "Whatta Man" verse to "a body like Obama." That nigga got a body like Skeletor with a Somalian face. She really couldn't come up with something better? Even Salt's 9-year-old high-yellow altar boy is like "Mom, that shit is lame." At rehearsal we get a little lesson in Pep-ology 102. Apparently "interact" is Pep for “freak off.” The band was having trouble playing with that "Black Chicks Loving Dick" routine going off. She couldn't defend that one. She gave the nigga sim-dome. Upon finding out that Shaq reconsidered having old, pregnant bitches running around in his function, Salt thought it a good idea to have Pepa, who only has strip-club training, rock the church bells. I could only think to myself "Oh, please freak off at church!" That's exactly the degree of jackassery that VH1 is hoping for out of you. Pep fronted on the idea at first but saw the big ass stage and was cool with it. I'm a little upset that they left out Salt's warning though. "We at church, so please don’t deep throat the mic in front of Pastor Bernard." I thought the idea was pretty cool though, mane. Church members deserve a show like that from time to time. Shit. If I pay 10% of my income to some sweaty, neckbone-eatin nigga yelling at me every Sunday, I wanna see a high-quality show from time to time. I can tell from the retard squad they had dancing in the background that these people must have been long overdue for something like this. Pep did do her little freak dip, but cupping her ass only brought more attention to the situation. I didn't have my 3/4 boner until Salt offered that sisterly support I always fantasized about. I can't wait for the rest of the misadventures we must be in for this season of "How Thelma and Louise Got Their Groove Back." There are some serious philosophical differences between these two broads. Something's gotta give, right?