I Love New York 2: The Stooch In Review - "Actors Need Love Too, Baby!"

Before we explore how many derivatives of female genitalia these freaks saw in their ink blots, let's get these out of the way. Buddha, you on "Hell Date!" ...and you're gay! While the gentlemen were given over for psychoanalysis, the show behind the show was our forceful re-introduction to Miss New York as the undisputed queen of synthetic drama. Yes, synthetic drama differs from organic drama. After finding out Buddha had previously been a contestant on *GASP* reality television programs, CB4 goes ballistic on our boy, Ezra. The funny part is how he tried to differentiate the firmaments of garbage that "Hell Date" and "I Love New York 2" reside within. "Come on baby, that was just some old BET bullshit." That's low of VH1 to even go there. Like I Love New York is fucking Dateline. I Love New York ain't even To Catch A Predator. Then, where does "reality star" Tiffany "Janice" Pollard get off shitting on Buddha Man for working the same circuit as she? Fuck you, sexpot muppet! She'd be a spectacle regardless of Flavor Flav. If she didn't make the cut for "Flavor of Love" she'd be getting paid to fuck on stage in a Russian bar. Gorilla suit optional. On the side of virtue and giving these sociopaths the benefit of the doubt, “Actors need love too.” Unfortunately for Punk, no matter how much S-Curl, coke and steroids he brings to the table, New York isn't really down for his sweet ass. He should have ran behind his lover, Pretty. As we get down to the real business of the program, that being finding someone to diss New York in time for the reunion special in 3 weeks, Mr. Wise obviously had to go. His Charlie Chaplin of the Ghetto routine having run its course, homie can leave this program as the greatest anomaly in Abrego/Cronin history. At least Mr. Boston was interesting, you know? [More catch-up to come]

I Love New York 2: A Small Wonder

Is it that time of year already? This year's parade of bitch niggas was partially determined by you, the viewing public. The ringmaster of Dingaling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey Circus is a high-yellow Shane Battier-lookin motherfucker named "The Entertainer." Unfortunately for him, people don't just up and laugh because you're an octoroon anymore. He's going to have to put some work in to live up to that moniker. Also having a say in who gets his fill of free booze and board is none other than the ManBearPig herself. We're all aware of her problem, though. I saw it on an episode of "Hell Date." She ain't bring these niggas on for Tiffany. Nonetheless, Sister Patterson's collection of Banana Hammock Republic bourgeoisie will be crossing swords with GED Class Heroes the likes of "Man-Man" and "It." I know my nigga CBW must have shit himself when he saw this tardo really wanted to be called Man-Man. He also really wanted to be a contestant on "I'll Eat New York," but this shit will do. Either way, he been on the TV, so ain't nobody back in the projects gonna bother him about returning powdered milk he borrowed or anything like that. Homie is on his way to being a bona fide hood star! I can hear his projects now! "Go, Man-Man! Go, Man-Man!" Make no mistake. I'd still much rather lay my dick in a bear trap than let a cubic millimeter of it come in contact with CB4's skin, but she's lookin a tad less used-up so far. I know it's only an episode in so I'll give her a couple more sessions before we start to see that nice whore glaze of spunk and Alize. Her mama, on the other hand, already has a nice midseason glaze to her. This "Champion" fellow telepathically skeeted on her face and chest, causing ManBearPig to collapse to the floor like she was back at Pastor Blunt's church house being "sincere." In the process she exposed her nasty stretchmarks to the universe, validating every MBP joke I've ever made. Them stretchmarks couldn't be human. Them shits come from carrying and delivering a litter of something. Ugh. I think I just suffered the male equivalent of a coochie drying up. My mangina was NOT ready for that shit. On to the man of the hour. A reality star is born, even if 3 months prematurely, in "Midget Mac." I can't help but love this little nigga. He looks like a [more] miniature Big Boi. Contrary to MBP's bigotry and insistence that Mac would be trampled, New York is actually expressing the decency to give him a shot. As we've seen in the past, the harder you try to push a man away from your ho-ass daughter, the firmer she's gonna keegle her vaginal muscles. She is ready to prop that nigga up in a booster chair, have some strained carrots and talk this shit out. She even called him a "little person," which is more human decency than I thought her capable of. Either that or she just remembers what she heard about midgets and their disproportionately large members. The Darth Vader choking scene gave fair indication that Sister Pat don't give a giant fart if Mac's "third leg bigger than [his] second." Speaking of decency, VH1 know they wrong for not moving the camera down for Mac's testimonial. With that said, who the fuck let the man slide through several screening processes to get here? Every last one of those casting directors have earned themselves a special place in hell for priming my man for worldwide ridicule. Holy shit. I think I realize where I've seen Midget Mac before now! They're also going to hell for casting a retard like "It." You don't need screening, testing or anything to assess that this nigga got chromosomes to spare. Fucker talkin bout "I got the shapeup." Nigga, then what the hell happened to your sideburns?! That's what happens when you let your moms do your shit past a certain age. You know this nigga got on Spider-Man underoos underneath those Paco Jeans. Other man-whores of note: "Buddha" - I see this man as the frontrunner so far. Both Tiffy and Piggy dig him and he seem like he got some bidness about him. However, I'm surprised New York thought about the little fat, bald dude instead of weed. "Cheezy" - They should have stuck with "Jackpot." He looks like a strip mall whore's dream come true. I know a baker's dozen boppers off the top of my head that would break his wallet to pieces. I also think he produced "Whoop That Trick" for D-Jay. "20 Pack" - is gay. "Pretty" - see above. "Unsure" - I dunno, guys. I'm pretty sure about this one. This man may be related to Ricky Romance. I don't think he's had any intention on ever putting his plug into the socket. "Tailor Made" - Looks like a crooked bookie. I couldn't have said it better myself. Except, does anyone know a bookie that ain't crooked? He couldn't buy the black bitch off and I really can't wait for Plan B. I also can't wait to see his trick ass get tossed around like a prison bitch. Oh, don't worry. It's okay for me to say "black bitch." I'm not a white guy. Right, Isiah? "Punk" - Cokehead? Cokehead Punk? Punky Cokehead? I don't know. I would have found a way to incorporate the word "cokehead" into his name. He looks like he's been up for 3 days. If he could feel his face he'd know it was covered in sweat and S-Curl. "Wolf" - You should have never told ManBearPig you have a big dick. She's gonna nuzzle it with her snout while you sleep now. You can tell this is the nigga that only know how to do one thing in life... and it ain't handiwork. Speaking of handiwork, did New York really bring her Flavor Flav burnt dick sucking lips together to deny her titty job on television? Bitch, you came back with enough silicone to caulk my entire bathroom and you wanna sit up here and look grown people in the face and front? I should cut your nipple off and do some contracting. Don't you ever disrespect me like that again. I'm not a violent man, but I can tell I'm gonna have to be less than pleasant with this crop of poorly-trained man whores. Can't wait for the first challenge. Glad to see she gave Mac a shot. Tailor Made should have been ghost instantaneously. His approach would have offended a decent woman, but a skuntbag like Tiffany Pollard is listening to the flutter of the money machine, I guess. Can't say I'm surprised. Still can't make one into a housewife, ya know?