XXLMag.com | Negro Please: R. Kelly Walks?!

"We find the defendant [Robert Kelly] not guilty of all charges and counts therein.” – A jury of his peers It’s 7 o’clock in the morning and the rays from the sun wake me. Yesterday was Father’s Day, that special Sunday in June I usually completely forget. In the hood, most of us try to reflect on good-for-nothing, sack-of-shit skeet-and-run artists we’ve never known. R. Kelly got to reminisce on the good old days when he could drink a gallon of water, wait 20 minutes and have the booty-butt naked 8th grader in his den come upstairs and ask “Daddy” for help in the “shower.” Sheeeeeit! These CNN talking heads crossed swords and busted two nuts apiece watching that sex tape. They say what they will about it being blurry... and all black people looking alike, but they loved every “disgusting” minute of it. (Continue reading "XXLMag.com Negro Please: R. Kelly Walks?!")

XXLMag.com | Negro Please: Weezy The Anti-Drug?

“I don’t drink alcohol. I never did like the taste of it… I’mma be the dude in the club drinking the most sweetest drink just ‘cause I care about what it tastes like. I feel you have to be a certain high or on a certain level to not even care what something tastes like and I don’t get to that point. Other than that, music’s my drug… I am the ultimate high… I could just look in the mirror or just cut on one of my songs or anything. I just feel myself. Look at me, you know? Yeah.” –Lil’ Wayne, BET’s Blueprint.

The above quotation is in response to Big Tigger asking Lil’ Weeziana about his “relationship with drugs and alcohol.” Strangely enough, Dr. Carter’s safe negro rhetoric comes long after his said “relationship” with the hot white girl has been put out there worse than Landon [Bobby, jr.] Brown’s.

Come on. We family, right XXL? Everybody here got a cousin or an auntie or a pops on that shit. Dwayne’s been crying out for help on record for years now. Nigga got the interview fodder to match. We gotta call bullshit when he goes on national TV trying to tell us we ain’t seen what we done saw and heard what we done heard.

It’s always the farthest-gone case that’ll try to slap that on that Vaseline, that one cheap-ass suit they got from the African spot, NOT shower, throw on that Mary J. Blige shit and tell you he won’t change his life. His life’s just fine.

Since Wayne’s got some change, he can try to cover it up with a bathing ape and some jewelry. Oh, and tattoos. Lots and lots of tattoos.

Welcome to Weezy’s online intervention.

(Continue reading "XXLMag.com | Negro Please: Weezy The Anti-Drug")

XXLMag.com | Negro Please: Yung Berg's Backward Boxers

“You could fuck up a man’s happy home. It might be one of them dudes you talk about in the book that wears his boxers on backwards every damn day, getting hit in the ass, but he probably still got a wife and kids and you might fuck up his life.” -Yung Berg, SOHH.com If you go to Big Green, you’ve more than likely seen this video plastered in the background of whatever you were actually there to ingest. Terrence “Superhead” Dean’s new tell-all “Hiding in Hip-Hop…” has obviously ruffled some feathers in our beloved, hallowed rap game. In a rapper fried rice panel discussion Nelly, David Banner, Chingy and our winner, Yung Berg all give their thoughts on the book and its potential repercussion. (Continue reading "XXLMag.com Negro Please: Yung Berg's Backward Boxers")

XXLMag.com | Negro Please: Kimora's Spoiled Milk

“When you get married, you’re forced to drink the milk long after it’s spoiled.” – Kimora Lee [Simmons?], GIANT Magazine Hmmmm. I guess if you ask Russell to buy a gallon of rare and priceless African gorilla milk, you’d best be drinkin that shit before the expiration date.

So… Kimora’s calling Russell the spoiled milk? While he admittedly looks like some shit that just hatched a few minutes ago, there’s no excuse for that level of disrespect. Not only did this man put you on his meal plan like a mmmmmotherfucker, homie was already beginning to curdle when you started sippin.

(Continue reading "XXLMag.com Negro Please: Kimora's Spoiled Milk")

XXLMag.com | Negro Please: Diddy Sees Dr. Carter

Diddy Blog! Diddy Blog!

When y’all hear “Diddy Blog” ya’ll niggas need to stop what ya’ll doin and go get me some Cambodian breast milks.

(Continue reading "XXL Mag.com | Negro Please: Diddy Sees Dr. Carter")

XXLMag.com | Negro Please: Bobby Brown Swagger-Jacked

“I watched one of Usher’s shows and he basically did my whole show. It was as if it was me on stage. The thing about it is, I love seeing that. It’s a compliment to me as a performer . . . I think you take parts of whoever is the hottest act of that era and you incorporate that into your own style. It’s just like taking buttermilk, eggs and corn meal, you whip it up bake it and you have cornbread.” –Bobby Brown, Bobby Brown: The Truth and Nothing But The Truth…

You whip it up and you have cornbread? No Arm & Hammer? No slow simmer?

The Kang of R&B (rocks & blunts) gets the “Negro, Please” right off the bat for pretending he knows the recipe to anything other than that sweet base.

By the way, I think you taste egg and cinnamon.

(Continue reading "XXLMag.com | Negro Please: Bobby Brown Swagger-Jacked")

Here... XXL! XXL!

...I'll even write a couple myself. I'll be rocking at XXL on the daily. Here's the gracious on-site introduction from my new massa, Carl "Jackpot" Chery. First of all I wanna thank my connect. The most important Haitian with all due respect. Y'all don't think we puttin this little championship team together? Negroes, please! Thanks to all of you who've been keeping close this past year! All the downtime is finally about to be worth it.