Jamie Lynn Spears Agrees To Marry R. Kelly

"Once again, it's on." - Treach By Ronaldo Horacio Mexico, Dissociated Press Writer ORLANDO - A matter of mere days after announcing her pregnancy at American Girl in Atlanta, 16-year-old actress Jamie Lynn Spears reveals that she is marrying her unborn child's father, embattled R&B star Robert "R." Kelly. Kelly, 40, on campus fulfilling his directorial contract to score and arrange all music for the 2008 Kids' Choice Awards, has obviously made time to touch more than just the shiny buttons whose labels he can't read. "She's like an angel. I can't remember the last time I've drawn such inspiration from something so lovely and pure. At her best she is loved." Kelly explained. "As far as the baby goes, that's a part of life. I really don't know why everybody trippin. It's not like we ain't gonna be able to feed the little nigga." Kelly further failed to comprehend the cause for public disenchantment with his engagement to the adolescent. "Everyone's acting like they're never seen an interracial relationship before. I mean, it's 2007, people. Real talk," Kelly persisted. Despite the negative attention and media frenzy surrounding the "Zoey 101" and former "All That" star, Nickelodeon top brass is not as concerned as one may expect. "Of course we only wish the best for Jamie Lynn and her family during this difficult time," said Corporate Communications Executive Vice President Dan Martinsen. "However, this is also an excellent opportunity for our network to continue to serve young people everywhere by having Jamie Lynn star in a SNiCK special on the issue of teen pregnancy." Most detractors believe the move is exploitative in nature. Still some believe that the proposal is an underhanded attempt to resurrect the cancelled SNiCK series "Roundhouse." "We'd welcome and appreciate Mr. Kelly's support and/or participation for such an initiative. We're also securing venues for the upcoming R. Kelly & Jamie Lynn tour that is yet-to-be-named." Martinsen would continue. Rival teen-show queen Raven Symone wasn't without comment regarding Spears' situation. "Yeah. That's because she's a nasty bitch who will open her little redneck mudflaps for any trucker with extra beef jerky snacks," asserted Symone, 21, "I'm 21 years old without any children, venereal diseases or questions of my character. And if I'm gonna fuck some dude, I'm at least going to ask him to pull out or swallow it or something." When asked what she thought about Nickelodeon potentially developing a SNiCK special on teenage pregnancy, the plus-sized actress exploded. "Lord Disney would never run some immoral, godless shit like that. I'm surprised any network would allow itself to be dragged down to trailer park level that way. It all comes from their hometraining. Their mother [Lynne Spears] did wrong by them girls. There's just no need to endorse that type of behavior and lifestyle." Lynne Spears, whose parental miscues always make front page news, hit redneck mothering rock bottom sometime last month when she agreed to drinks and a friendly hand of poker with R. Kelly and Japanese businessman Kyoko Fujiyashi. Lynne Spears ended up losing Jamie Lynn's parental rights to a straight flush. "She thought she was cute when she caught that nut straight on the turn," Kelly recalled. "I knew I had the low straight, but they was all clubs. I'm the king of the clubs! I told her somebody's girl was at this party! She was coming home with me too. Come on. I had to give it to her. Chi-Town!" According to Kelly, the arrangement has already produced over 30 Nickelodeon-ready singles that should "bust open those little kids' shit." What remains to be seen is if Jamie Lynn and Robert will stand the test of time or go back, back, forth and forth.

The Salt & Pepa Show: Don't Push It!

Salt & Pepa's here... --But ain't shit in effect for these girls anymore. As expected on VH1, home of Celebreoverty, the dynamic duo hasn't been excited enough to "Shoop" since they were blurring the Hilfiger logos out of rap videos. The premiere of "The Salt & Pepa Show" did a fine job of explaining the premise of the estrogen war that the series is based upon. Cheryl "Salt" Ward done put down the chocolate magic sticks of the male video hoes (yes, a man can be a video ho) and got saved while her counterpart, Sandy "Pepa" Denton is still trying to live with Treach aftershock. Y'all saw "Love With A Bullet." That man left a paper towel tube-sized cavern where her coochie used to be. My partners and I had a pool going for when the obligatory waterfall of tears would begin. I thought they were gonna break in 5 minutes. They held out for an astonishing 6. Upon hearing of the opportunity to rock a Shaq party Pepa had that look on her face that said "Break out the 8-Ball jackets, bitch!" However, Salt is less than thrilled at the notion of being surrounded by the likes of Stephon Marbury and other nefarious, sexual deviant types. Their manager looked like Lieutenant Daniels watching Herc and Carver argue over where to get the best catfish sandwich in West Baltimore. The two debrief in very different ways. While Pep chooses to cackle it up with the cast of "Living Single" at Applebee's, Salt takes the issue up before her prayer group. Saltine's little vanilla prayer group buddy was like "Get your ass out there and bring those tithes to the congregation!" Damn. Salty dangles the threat of leaving like she's fucking A-Rod. This is why you gotta have solo shit going on. I don't understand. Treach could write for Latifah, but he couldn't help Pep get an LP off? I refuse to believe Latifah had better head game. Flavor Flav couldn’t hold PE back, right? Case in point, Pepa really suggested changing the first line of her "Whatta Man" verse to "a body like Obama." That nigga got a body like Skeletor with a Somalian face. She really couldn't come up with something better? Even Salt's 9-year-old high-yellow altar boy is like "Mom, that shit is lame." At rehearsal we get a little lesson in Pep-ology 102. Apparently "interact" is Pep for “freak off.” The band was having trouble playing with that "Black Chicks Loving Dick" routine going off. She couldn't defend that one. She gave the nigga sim-dome. Upon finding out that Shaq reconsidered having old, pregnant bitches running around in his function, Salt thought it a good idea to have Pepa, who only has strip-club training, rock the church bells. I could only think to myself "Oh, please freak off at church!" That's exactly the degree of jackassery that VH1 is hoping for out of you. Pep fronted on the idea at first but saw the big ass stage and was cool with it. I'm a little upset that they left out Salt's warning though. "We at church, so please don’t deep throat the mic in front of Pastor Bernard." I thought the idea was pretty cool though, mane. Church members deserve a show like that from time to time. Shit. If I pay 10% of my income to some sweaty, neckbone-eatin nigga yelling at me every Sunday, I wanna see a high-quality show from time to time. I can tell from the retard squad they had dancing in the background that these people must have been long overdue for something like this. Pep did do her little freak dip, but cupping her ass only brought more attention to the situation. I didn't have my 3/4 boner until Salt offered that sisterly support I always fantasized about. I can't wait for the rest of the misadventures we must be in for this season of "How Thelma and Louise Got Their Groove Back." There are some serious philosophical differences between these two broads. Something's gotta give, right?