The Salt & Pepa Show: Don't Push It!

Salt & Pepa's here... --But ain't shit in effect for these girls anymore. As expected on VH1, home of Celebreoverty, the dynamic duo hasn't been excited enough to "Shoop" since they were blurring the Hilfiger logos out of rap videos. The premiere of "The Salt & Pepa Show" did a fine job of explaining the premise of the estrogen war that the series is based upon. Cheryl "Salt" Ward done put down the chocolate magic sticks of the male video hoes (yes, a man can be a video ho) and got saved while her counterpart, Sandy "Pepa" Denton is still trying to live with Treach aftershock. Y'all saw "Love With A Bullet." That man left a paper towel tube-sized cavern where her coochie used to be. My partners and I had a pool going for when the obligatory waterfall of tears would begin. I thought they were gonna break in 5 minutes. They held out for an astonishing 6. Upon hearing of the opportunity to rock a Shaq party Pepa had that look on her face that said "Break out the 8-Ball jackets, bitch!" However, Salt is less than thrilled at the notion of being surrounded by the likes of Stephon Marbury and other nefarious, sexual deviant types. Their manager looked like Lieutenant Daniels watching Herc and Carver argue over where to get the best catfish sandwich in West Baltimore. The two debrief in very different ways. While Pep chooses to cackle it up with the cast of "Living Single" at Applebee's, Salt takes the issue up before her prayer group. Saltine's little vanilla prayer group buddy was like "Get your ass out there and bring those tithes to the congregation!" Damn. Salty dangles the threat of leaving like she's fucking A-Rod. This is why you gotta have solo shit going on. I don't understand. Treach could write for Latifah, but he couldn't help Pep get an LP off? I refuse to believe Latifah had better head game. Flavor Flav couldn’t hold PE back, right? Case in point, Pepa really suggested changing the first line of her "Whatta Man" verse to "a body like Obama." That nigga got a body like Skeletor with a Somalian face. She really couldn't come up with something better? Even Salt's 9-year-old high-yellow altar boy is like "Mom, that shit is lame." At rehearsal we get a little lesson in Pep-ology 102. Apparently "interact" is Pep for “freak off.” The band was having trouble playing with that "Black Chicks Loving Dick" routine going off. She couldn't defend that one. She gave the nigga sim-dome. Upon finding out that Shaq reconsidered having old, pregnant bitches running around in his function, Salt thought it a good idea to have Pepa, who only has strip-club training, rock the church bells. I could only think to myself "Oh, please freak off at church!" That's exactly the degree of jackassery that VH1 is hoping for out of you. Pep fronted on the idea at first but saw the big ass stage and was cool with it. I'm a little upset that they left out Salt's warning though. "We at church, so please don’t deep throat the mic in front of Pastor Bernard." I thought the idea was pretty cool though, mane. Church members deserve a show like that from time to time. Shit. If I pay 10% of my income to some sweaty, neckbone-eatin nigga yelling at me every Sunday, I wanna see a high-quality show from time to time. I can tell from the retard squad they had dancing in the background that these people must have been long overdue for something like this. Pep did do her little freak dip, but cupping her ass only brought more attention to the situation. I didn't have my 3/4 boner until Salt offered that sisterly support I always fantasized about. I can't wait for the rest of the misadventures we must be in for this season of "How Thelma and Louise Got Their Groove Back." There are some serious philosophical differences between these two broads. Something's gotta give, right?

New York Knicks Acquire Britney Spears' Children

By Ronaldo H. Mexico, Dissociated Press Writer NEW YORK - The New York Knicks have adressed their frontcourt concerns by acquiring Sean Preston, Jayden James and cash considerations from the Los Angeles Gigolos for Britney Spears, the remainder of her dignity and the maximum contracts of Penny Hardaway and Shandon Anderson. The move comes as little surprise to most fans. Eariler this week team president, coach, general manager and strip mall pimp Isiah Thomas traded for Los Angeles Clippers second-round draft choice, Jared Jordan. The move pushed the active roster to 18 players, three over the limit of 15 players. "This is a bittersweet day for our organization." the disgraced Thomas said to reporters from the podium at Madison Square Garden's press room. "We thank Britney and her vagina for all they have done to help this team." At the same time Garden fans are abuzz with excitement for a team that should be decidely younger and faster. "Oh, yeah. I saw James on the monkey bars in Pasedena while filming 'Malcolm X2: The Final Call'" said an elated Spike Lee this morning after the deal was formally announced. "I think he's going to be a force to be reckoned with on the glass. I love the hustle that little white boy brings to the game." Not all is fawn and games for the Knickerbockers' saviors-to-be. Fans and paparazzi alike are well aware of their noted troubles with the opposite sex. Sean Preston had been romantically linked to Klingon umbrella sales representative, Rihanna, while Jayden James has often been photographed around Los Angeles canoodling with "Heroes" star, Hayden Panettiere. "I think they're going to do well with the bitches," Thomas said while rubbing at his eyebrows "--so long as they don't call them that." "I don't really bother with all the talk of the romantic involvements and all that." deflected star point guard Stephon Marbury. "I'm just here to play basketball. Besides, there's no greater love than kissing your own sister and they don't have sisters as far as I know, so they don't know love. I do that to stay closer to God." When asked about a plan in place to resolve remaning roster crunch, Thomas opted to anchor the conversation to today's acquisitions. "[The organization] has some very difficult decisions to make in the next couple of weeks." the general manager replied flashing his $11.6 million-dollar smile. "However, we're already working on improving team chemistry. Zach [Randolph] has been taking child care classes and reading books and such. He's going to be like a big brother to Sean and Jayden." "S.P. is cool. I kicked it with him at last year's All-Star Weekend." said troubled Knicks forward Zach Randolph of his new teammate. "We're just hoping Jayden proves more LeBron than Jerome."

Real Sports with Ron Mexico: Damn, Steph! I Thought You Loved Your Family.

Nope, I'm not talking about his wife. I don't even feel sorry for her. She knew the strange, strange man she married. She's lucky none of his weird sex props were involved in the details. Instead, we brace for a tidbit that the New York Post would headline "Marbury Cockblocks Cousin." Yep. They're that clever. In the latest goings-on at Jimmy Dolan's Animal House, MSG intern Kathleen Decker, a white bitch twice as hot as Kobe's chunky mistake, testified in the sexual harassment trial of New York Knicks president and head coach, Isiah Thomas. Much to the chagrin of plaintiff and Amazon enforcer, Anucha Browne-Sanders, Decker testified that her sex with New York Knicks point guard and talk show host, Stephon Marbury was, in fact, consensual. This all reads to me as if the little intern birthday play wasn't even run for Steph. Marbury's cousin, one of many Marburys and Marbury derivatives employed by MSG, was apparently waiting for her on the other side of the parking lot. Steph pulls up with the Champ Bailey and plucks this little white bitch out of the sky. "Are you going to get in the truck?" "Hell fuckin' yeah I'm gonna get in the truck." Why fuck the janitor cousin when you can fuck a nigga that you know is gonna spring for some Waffle House after he sling you the soul pole? I bet Steph skeeted off and left a box of $15 Starburys on your back. In case you weren't quite aware of Stephon Marbury's mental health status, here are a couple of reminders: I write like this to stay closer to God.