Johnte - "Red Monkey Jeans" video

Between Martin Luther King, jr. Day and the end of "Here's Your Little Ass Month, Niggers" Month lies this strangely somber period of about 40 days in which I lament excessively over the fate and status of black people. Johnte's "Red Monkey Jeans," an afterschool center session gone terribly wrong, rests firmly atop the list of shit that's particularly bothering me this Blent (Black Lent, if you will). I'm more amazed than anything at how readily we embrace various forms of Monkey Gear. We got teenage coons babbling on about their Bathing Apes. This little baboon here is in love with his Red Monkey Jeans. I don't know. I could have sworn we were trying to get away from the association with monkeys, gorillas, baboons, orangutans, marmosets and the like. While some of us may happen to look like the non-hominidae primates in question, we are not. Though we do little to prove otherwise. Am I missing something? This video looks like a surefire UnCut Classic in the making, but I saw it in broad the fuck daylight. It couldn't have been any later than noon. Somebody's uncle knew where to bring the duffel bag. You would think if he were related to a big time drug dealer (the only explanation for this shit on television before 3AM), then he wouldn't have to borrow Uncle Gutta's Spongebob jacket. That shit is at least 3 sizes too big for him. Even Spongebob knows he shouldn't be in this video. He's not sure why. He just knows something is terribly wrong. It's the reason Mr. Krabs is always pissed. This racism is killing him inside. The fuck does this kid mean when he says his teeth "color-coordinated, complimenting the jeans?" Does Johnte have a green shirt to match the green braces? Maybe a little something to compliment the rubberbands? That's it, nigga. I got it! You the Rubberband Man! Shit. Will your braces still be in when T.I. gets locked up for good this time? If so, you're fucking in there. King of Atlanta for certain. I want to take back everything I said to Yung Berg about being a JV point guard. This little shit stain is definitely on somebody's B-team bench. Speaking of ball, I see this video was obviously shot before the KG trade to Boston. Nice. Either that or homie ain't have enough allowance saved up to drop $200 on the new one. I hear the Swingman jersey is not acceptable for dancing in your buddy's music video. My ideal ending for this video would be to have the ghostriders fuck up horribly, running Johnte over, then crashing into one another causing a fatal 5-rental pileup in the high school parking lot. Then I bring a monkey to the memorial to piss and shit on their graves. "Ron, Why you gotta be so cold. He only like 15." ...Because I don't give a fuck. That's why. Plus, better he go out in a rim-related accident than have a second single that warrants President Bush finally following through on his much-milled plan to repeal the Emancipation Proclamation.

2007 Rewind: Yung Berg feat. Junior, Jim Jones & Rich Boy - "Sexy Lady [w/remix]" video

Some special people need to be addressed before we let a Mexico-shortened 2007 go. When I first saw this video, I said "Oh, my." I said "Oh, my... That's a fucking baby gremlin. Kill it! Kill it now!" Little baby gremlin niggas? Really, Sony pop R&B machine? That's what's hot in the streets? Fuck it. Let's just manufacture pit bulls that we can't kill. Dead all the confusion. The funny part is that he really thinks he's fucking T.I. when he actually looks like someone raised one of Michael Vick's dogs as a son. Be wary next time you see a nigga walking a pit bull with a doo-rag on. And who knew when they recorded this record that soon the lame Vick-related punchlines would bear an entirely different significance? Bringing the little nigga back to the realm of humanity, my good friend El Diablo hit it on the head when he told me "Yung Berg looks like a JV point guard." Is that Matt Barnes on the hook? The video: Same recipe as always. Add sugar, 2 scoops of stooch, 1 mini-rapper with Napoleon complex, 1 light-skinned R&B nigga. Shake well. Rush to BET offices with duffel bag full of $20 bills. The remix reveals the Lil' Fame in Berg. The director took far less precautions to make him look less gremlin. Jimmy, you stink. Pull your damn pants up. Ray Charles is a terrible rapper.

The Boondocks Catch-Up: Let It Burn!

"So many days. So many hours... --And the installation is freeeeeeee!" Sometimes you're out to dinner with your woman and Tyrese sits down at the table next to you. Sometimes your woman gets to her "Sweet Lady" fantasy happy place and shows Tyrese all 32 teeth and vaginal smile. Sometimes you gotta head home and take the L. It's a perfectly normal and realistic occurrence. Wouldn't let that shit happen to meeee, though. If you'll remember from "The Passion of Ruckus," Tom hates Usher... and Kobe. So this is akin to me having (a purely hypothetical) Mrs. Mexico taken away from me by... I don't know... Some little gremlin motherfucker like Cassidy. The funny thing is, you gotta let a bird fly. Sometimes another player knocks your girl off the strip. What you gonna do? Sit around and cry about it? Confront the player and catch a 15-yard penalty regardless how it plays out? Shit. You don't even confront the pigeon. "Now, now. There won't be any of that." Eddie Murphy's anecdote alludes to a bitchmade, square-ass nigga who got the game fucked up. A true player shouldn't have to shackle or beat a bitch. We'll explore this notion a little further later. White woman sure do got a big heart. She just wanted to be entertained by that negro Ron Mexico column and went home with a face full of man mustard. She came for the Throwback Thursday and left with the whole package of Toll House cookie dough in her mouth. This discussion is a scenario in which my inner Riley doesn't prevail. It doesn't matter if you lose your woman to T.I. or Gary Coleman. You lost her. Somehow your ho that you were supposed to have locked down done got the notion that licking Gary Coleman's ashy balls was better than life with you. With that said. I think we all have a short list of people that we would leave any relationship for. Fuck. Gary Coleman is on some woman's list. I'm sure of it. Needless to say, Tom DuBois "doing the music video thing" to Usher's "Burn" was incredible. Cedric Yarbrough puts in strong performance after strong-- Car! --um, performance, but McGruder got a little extra out of Jones.E this episode. Let it be known to all that I have incorporated "Sexy-Flexy-Ass Nigga" into my active vocabulary. I do thank The One World God that they brought A Pimp Named Slickback... back. He and I are Charles Xavier/Magneto on this issue. While APNS believes Chronic Bitch Dependency, or CBD, is an illness of some sort that can and should be cured, Ron Mexico believes that CBD is genetic and we should allow those who "suffer from" it to continue to fall victim to natural selection. Who's going to break their pockets on the bitches and hoes if we "cure" something as natural as Advanced Trickin' Syndrome? Then we'd all be "sans trique" as the French would say. Who would we be able to get over on? I found the dream sequence hysterical. You know. The one where Tom reminisces on he and Sarah's "happy" life and we see that she's been bored beyond the help of her Magic Bullet. Something inside me wanted to yell: "Told you 'bout messin with them white girls! She on the couch thinkin about Chad Pennington!" Until I decided that Julie probably wouldn't fuck me if I said any of that aloud. It was bad enough that I had her watching "I Love New York" and making my popcorn. With all that said, had I blurted that shit out, I'd have to... you know... let a ho fly. "You better make that G4 work, bitch and stop playin' with me." - Quote of the Episode! This is why you don't confront the player. Thomas got the appropriate result for slapping Urshurr. It ain't Urshurr's fault your snowflake is diggin him. You know the name of the game. Your bitch chose Sexy-Flexy! Tom's just lucky she didn't take his ass to the cleaners like Strahan and bounce with the mulatto. That's all you're setting yourself up for anyway when you get married. Lesson: Don't get fucking married.