Johnte - "Red Monkey Jeans" video

Between Martin Luther King, jr. Day and the end of "Here's Your Little Ass Month, Niggers" Month lies this strangely somber period of about 40 days in which I lament excessively over the fate and status of black people. Johnte's "Red Monkey Jeans," an afterschool center session gone terribly wrong, rests firmly atop the list of shit that's particularly bothering me this Blent (Black Lent, if you will). I'm more amazed than anything at how readily we embrace various forms of Monkey Gear. We got teenage coons babbling on about their Bathing Apes. This little baboon here is in love with his Red Monkey Jeans. I don't know. I could have sworn we were trying to get away from the association with monkeys, gorillas, baboons, orangutans, marmosets and the like. While some of us may happen to look like the non-hominidae primates in question, we are not. Though we do little to prove otherwise. Am I missing something? This video looks like a surefire UnCut Classic in the making, but I saw it in broad the fuck daylight. It couldn't have been any later than noon. Somebody's uncle knew where to bring the duffel bag. You would think if he were related to a big time drug dealer (the only explanation for this shit on television before 3AM), then he wouldn't have to borrow Uncle Gutta's Spongebob jacket. That shit is at least 3 sizes too big for him. Even Spongebob knows he shouldn't be in this video. He's not sure why. He just knows something is terribly wrong. It's the reason Mr. Krabs is always pissed. This racism is killing him inside. The fuck does this kid mean when he says his teeth "color-coordinated, complimenting the jeans?" Does Johnte have a green shirt to match the green braces? Maybe a little something to compliment the rubberbands? That's it, nigga. I got it! You the Rubberband Man! Shit. Will your braces still be in when T.I. gets locked up for good this time? If so, you're fucking in there. King of Atlanta for certain. I want to take back everything I said to Yung Berg about being a JV point guard. This little shit stain is definitely on somebody's B-team bench. Speaking of ball, I see this video was obviously shot before the KG trade to Boston. Nice. Either that or homie ain't have enough allowance saved up to drop $200 on the new one. I hear the Swingman jersey is not acceptable for dancing in your buddy's music video. My ideal ending for this video would be to have the ghostriders fuck up horribly, running Johnte over, then crashing into one another causing a fatal 5-rental pileup in the high school parking lot. Then I bring a monkey to the memorial to piss and shit on their graves. "Ron, Why you gotta be so cold. He only like 15." ...Because I don't give a fuck. That's why. Plus, better he go out in a rim-related accident than have a second single that warrants President Bush finally following through on his much-milled plan to repeal the Emancipation Proclamation.

BET UnCut Classics: Joker the Bailbonsdman feat. Bizzy Bone - "Uh Huh (Money in a Ziploc Bag)" video

For your hating pleasure, I've decided to reach back and get at some of the classic BET UnCut videos we missed out on at you-know-where. The glory days of the 3AM EST ghetto spankfest that was BET UnCut were defined by a handful of cinematographic events the likes of "What That Thang Smell Like," "Dolly," "Tip Drill," "Slap It, Clap It" and the bottom bitch collection du jour "Uh Huh." Like so many struggling rapsters of the late night BET bottom-feeder era, Joker The Bailbondsman scraped together the $350 necessary to find a celebrity guest appearance, convince diseased strumpets, record and film. After the shoot, this nigga found himself with about $80 to spare. At the point of this video's debut I'd thought my high school heroes to be buried under a $400,000 pile of crack this high! I was saddened to know that I was obviously correct. Layzie Bone looks just as shermed out as hip-hop's resident whipping boy, Bizzy. Krayzie and Wish don't have to be present for this fuckery. I'm no detective or anything, but I'd think it safe to say that Bizzy wasn't the only Bone eating the swine at this barbecue, ya dig? Joker either got pictures of these niggas doing some Thuggish, Ruggish Down Low shit, or they get their PCP from this man. In high school, I would have loved nothing more than to smoke a blunt with these niggas... and I didn't even smoke weed then. Today I wouldn't want to be in the same room with their crop-dusted delights. Bizzy's scaring the children of crackheads at the damn welfare office! I bet talking to him like the G.I. Joe overdubs for those poor Cleveland ghetto bastards. "HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" In 1996, a rap group couldn't sell more records than Bone with 2 Puff Daddies damndest. Today, trauma-tested foster children see Bizzy and Joker at the welfare office and fear for their lives. Funny how shit can change in ten years. Drug-addicted former celebrities aside, this video has a weak stable of bitches even by UnCut standards. ("Weak" is me being nice.) I mean, I've seen the stoochiest of the oochie at 3:27 AM on Channel 42, but Joker's bitches send my cock and balls running to the suicidal refuge of my 98.7-degree pelvic inset. My sperm would rather die than be swallowed in any manner by that banana bitch with the grape stoochie lips. Ugh. I think I just saw clitoris. Joker got them "unfinished" cornrows. Them shits ain't ready for harvest. They only go halfway down the back of his head. I understand braids gotta start somewhere, but keep the damn hat on if your shit is coming up short! Avoid camera shots from the back! It's not like you ain't directing the shit. You're the one yelling at DaVaughn to hold the camera steady! Don't nobody wanna see that unfinished Hot Wheels track reaching for the back of your leathery neck. What the fuck is this? Christmas at the Joker's house? You don't even have to ask Bizzy what he wants. You don't even need a box. Just put a ribbon on the rock and he'll call you his brother for life. This UnCut video is the greatest anomaly I've seen in that it has some of the greatest star power in the program's history with literally ZERO fuckable bitches in it. I guess it's served its purpose though as I can't post up in front of any bodega in Greater New York area without being able to have a prolonged conversation about this video if ever I desire to roll my eyes back and sing the ever-infectious chorus of:

"Uh Huh! Uh Huh! Ain't nothin' like money in a Ziploc bag./ Uh Huh! Uh Huh! Smash with the cash. Yeah!"