Happy Trails, Big Mike!

As the sun sets on a Hall of Fame career capped off with the sweetest of cherries, true and loyal Giant fans reflect and appreciate a nigga who often appeared lager than life. Thanks for everything and good luck, big homie. We finally got that championship together. We'll always love you. We told you about messin wit' them white girls.

Terrell Owens Cries Like Bitch After Loss

"It's unfair, man," Owens sobbed. "So who can you take down to Cabo or Veracruz or whatever? Would there be so much controversy if it were Carrie Underwood or Mandy Moore?" I'm with you, T.O. The black stars are at Freaknik with Megan Goode and Lauren London and nobody cares. No one says Kim Kardashian fucked over Reggie Bush's sophomore campaign, right? I'm just surprised to see such vehement quarterback defense from a man who called Jeff Garcia, essentially the exact same QB 15 years older, a "fag." Even the most fanatic of NFL viewers had yet to see Owens block like this. I know they take T.O. off his medication for the game, but somebody needs to follow him around for a couple of days or something. They gotta put a tail on this nigga before he tries to make another painkiller cocktail and let his publicist "f" him in the "a" with a big, black strap-on. Here are some other important postgame comments. I'm glad Pierce and Strahan threw that little extra salt on them niggas' popcorn. Ugh, I can't stand the damn Cowboys. You know in the offseason T.O. is gonna denounce "Tony Homo" and appeal to sign with the Giants, right? The writers, yet again, don't give Elisha and the G-Men a touchdown's chance on Jeopardy. I generally don't expect much from the big, blue disappointment but their current postseason run has earned them some leeway and the ephemeral endearment of New York fans. Let's go Giants.

The Boondocks Catch-Up: Let It Burn!

"So many days. So many hours... --And the installation is freeeeeeee!" Sometimes you're out to dinner with your woman and Tyrese sits down at the table next to you. Sometimes your woman gets to her "Sweet Lady" fantasy happy place and shows Tyrese all 32 teeth and vaginal smile. Sometimes you gotta head home and take the L. It's a perfectly normal and realistic occurrence. Wouldn't let that shit happen to meeee, though. If you'll remember from "The Passion of Ruckus," Tom hates Usher... and Kobe. So this is akin to me having (a purely hypothetical) Mrs. Mexico taken away from me by... I don't know... Some little gremlin motherfucker like Cassidy. The funny thing is, you gotta let a bird fly. Sometimes another player knocks your girl off the strip. What you gonna do? Sit around and cry about it? Confront the player and catch a 15-yard penalty regardless how it plays out? Shit. You don't even confront the pigeon. "Now, now. There won't be any of that." Eddie Murphy's anecdote alludes to a bitchmade, square-ass nigga who got the game fucked up. A true player shouldn't have to shackle or beat a bitch. We'll explore this notion a little further later. White woman sure do got a big heart. She just wanted to be entertained by that negro Ron Mexico column and went home with a face full of man mustard. She came for the Throwback Thursday and left with the whole package of Toll House cookie dough in her mouth. This discussion is a scenario in which my inner Riley doesn't prevail. It doesn't matter if you lose your woman to T.I. or Gary Coleman. You lost her. Somehow your ho that you were supposed to have locked down done got the notion that licking Gary Coleman's ashy balls was better than life with you. With that said. I think we all have a short list of people that we would leave any relationship for. Fuck. Gary Coleman is on some woman's list. I'm sure of it. Needless to say, Tom DuBois "doing the music video thing" to Usher's "Burn" was incredible. Cedric Yarbrough puts in strong performance after strong-- Car! --um, performance, but McGruder got a little extra out of Jones.E this episode. Let it be known to all that I have incorporated "Sexy-Flexy-Ass Nigga" into my active vocabulary. I do thank The One World God that they brought A Pimp Named Slickback... back. He and I are Charles Xavier/Magneto on this issue. While APNS believes Chronic Bitch Dependency, or CBD, is an illness of some sort that can and should be cured, Ron Mexico believes that CBD is genetic and we should allow those who "suffer from" it to continue to fall victim to natural selection. Who's going to break their pockets on the bitches and hoes if we "cure" something as natural as Advanced Trickin' Syndrome? Then we'd all be "sans trique" as the French would say. Who would we be able to get over on? I found the dream sequence hysterical. You know. The one where Tom reminisces on he and Sarah's "happy" life and we see that she's been bored beyond the help of her Magic Bullet. Something inside me wanted to yell: "Told you 'bout messin with them white girls! She on the couch thinkin about Chad Pennington!" Until I decided that Julie probably wouldn't fuck me if I said any of that aloud. It was bad enough that I had her watching "I Love New York" and making my popcorn. With all that said, had I blurted that shit out, I'd have to... you know... let a ho fly. "You better make that G4 work, bitch and stop playin' with me." - Quote of the Episode! This is why you don't confront the player. Thomas got the appropriate result for slapping Urshurr. It ain't Urshurr's fault your snowflake is diggin him. You know the name of the game. Your bitch chose Sexy-Flexy! Tom's just lucky she didn't take his ass to the cleaners like Strahan and bounce with the mulatto. That's all you're setting yourself up for anyway when you get married. Lesson: Don't get fucking married.