Jamie Lynn Spears Agrees To Marry R. Kelly

"Once again, it's on." - Treach By Ronaldo Horacio Mexico, Dissociated Press Writer ORLANDO - A matter of mere days after announcing her pregnancy at American Girl in Atlanta, 16-year-old actress Jamie Lynn Spears reveals that she is marrying her unborn child's father, embattled R&B star Robert "R." Kelly. Kelly, 40, on campus fulfilling his directorial contract to score and arrange all music for the 2008 Kids' Choice Awards, has obviously made time to touch more than just the shiny buttons whose labels he can't read. "She's like an angel. I can't remember the last time I've drawn such inspiration from something so lovely and pure. At her best she is loved." Kelly explained. "As far as the baby goes, that's a part of life. I really don't know why everybody trippin. It's not like we ain't gonna be able to feed the little nigga." Kelly further failed to comprehend the cause for public disenchantment with his engagement to the adolescent. "Everyone's acting like they're never seen an interracial relationship before. I mean, it's 2007, people. Real talk," Kelly persisted. Despite the negative attention and media frenzy surrounding the "Zoey 101" and former "All That" star, Nickelodeon top brass is not as concerned as one may expect. "Of course we only wish the best for Jamie Lynn and her family during this difficult time," said Corporate Communications Executive Vice President Dan Martinsen. "However, this is also an excellent opportunity for our network to continue to serve young people everywhere by having Jamie Lynn star in a SNiCK special on the issue of teen pregnancy." Most detractors believe the move is exploitative in nature. Still some believe that the proposal is an underhanded attempt to resurrect the cancelled SNiCK series "Roundhouse." "We'd welcome and appreciate Mr. Kelly's support and/or participation for such an initiative. We're also securing venues for the upcoming R. Kelly & Jamie Lynn tour that is yet-to-be-named." Martinsen would continue. Rival teen-show queen Raven Symone wasn't without comment regarding Spears' situation. "Yeah. That's because she's a nasty bitch who will open her little redneck mudflaps for any trucker with extra beef jerky snacks," asserted Symone, 21, "I'm 21 years old without any children, venereal diseases or questions of my character. And if I'm gonna fuck some dude, I'm at least going to ask him to pull out or swallow it or something." When asked what she thought about Nickelodeon potentially developing a SNiCK special on teenage pregnancy, the plus-sized actress exploded. "Lord Disney would never run some immoral, godless shit like that. I'm surprised any network would allow itself to be dragged down to trailer park level that way. It all comes from their hometraining. Their mother [Lynne Spears] did wrong by them girls. There's just no need to endorse that type of behavior and lifestyle." Lynne Spears, whose parental miscues always make front page news, hit redneck mothering rock bottom sometime last month when she agreed to drinks and a friendly hand of poker with R. Kelly and Japanese businessman Kyoko Fujiyashi. Lynne Spears ended up losing Jamie Lynn's parental rights to a straight flush. "She thought she was cute when she caught that nut straight on the turn," Kelly recalled. "I knew I had the low straight, but they was all clubs. I'm the king of the clubs! I told her somebody's girl was at this party! She was coming home with me too. Come on. I had to give it to her. Chi-Town!" According to Kelly, the arrangement has already produced over 30 Nickelodeon-ready singles that should "bust open those little kids' shit." What remains to be seen is if Jamie Lynn and Robert will stand the test of time or go back, back, forth and forth.

New York Knicks Acquire Britney Spears' Children

By Ronaldo H. Mexico, Dissociated Press Writer NEW YORK - The New York Knicks have adressed their frontcourt concerns by acquiring Sean Preston, Jayden James and cash considerations from the Los Angeles Gigolos for Britney Spears, the remainder of her dignity and the maximum contracts of Penny Hardaway and Shandon Anderson. The move comes as little surprise to most fans. Eariler this week team president, coach, general manager and strip mall pimp Isiah Thomas traded for Los Angeles Clippers second-round draft choice, Jared Jordan. The move pushed the active roster to 18 players, three over the limit of 15 players. "This is a bittersweet day for our organization." the disgraced Thomas said to reporters from the podium at Madison Square Garden's press room. "We thank Britney and her vagina for all they have done to help this team." At the same time Garden fans are abuzz with excitement for a team that should be decidely younger and faster. "Oh, yeah. I saw James on the monkey bars in Pasedena while filming 'Malcolm X2: The Final Call'" said an elated Spike Lee this morning after the deal was formally announced. "I think he's going to be a force to be reckoned with on the glass. I love the hustle that little white boy brings to the game." Not all is fawn and games for the Knickerbockers' saviors-to-be. Fans and paparazzi alike are well aware of their noted troubles with the opposite sex. Sean Preston had been romantically linked to Klingon umbrella sales representative, Rihanna, while Jayden James has often been photographed around Los Angeles canoodling with "Heroes" star, Hayden Panettiere. "I think they're going to do well with the bitches," Thomas said while rubbing at his eyebrows "--so long as they don't call them that." "I don't really bother with all the talk of the romantic involvements and all that." deflected star point guard Stephon Marbury. "I'm just here to play basketball. Besides, there's no greater love than kissing your own sister and they don't have sisters as far as I know, so they don't know love. I do that to stay closer to God." When asked about a plan in place to resolve remaning roster crunch, Thomas opted to anchor the conversation to today's acquisitions. "[The organization] has some very difficult decisions to make in the next couple of weeks." the general manager replied flashing his $11.6 million-dollar smile. "However, we're already working on improving team chemistry. Zach [Randolph] has been taking child care classes and reading books and such. He's going to be like a big brother to Sean and Jayden." "S.P. is cool. I kicked it with him at last year's All-Star Weekend." said troubled Knicks forward Zach Randolph of his new teammate. "We're just hoping Jayden proves more LeBron than Jerome."