Gallagher's 2000: Even Fuckin' Aliens Luv Deez Hoez

I'm pretty damn sure if some aliens came to earth and something made them want to stick around, it damn sure wasn't one of the C-Section All-Stars on the lunch shift at Gallagher's 2000. I'm sure there are a few breast implant scars Jim Jones would lick on the evening shift, but nothing to keep an alien or Prince or a nigga like that. Them bitches couldn't keep Zach Randolph around for 20 minutes. I guess to understand exactly how ridiculous this commercial is, you must have already gotten used to a couple years of this: Yeah... Giant ugly bitches stomping through the city like Power Rangers. You know this has to be Gallagher's A-game bitch too. You'd think the tightest they had to offer would be in their television commercial. A pimp usually has his best bottom bitch riding shotgun, right? I saw "Hustle & Flow." I'm pretty sure that's how it works. Anyways, these commercials tell a whole lot about the place it's pumping. If you guessed "seedy Long Island City fish box," I congratulate your superior intellect and intuition. Ha ha ha haaaaaaa. We luuuuuv deeeeez hoooez!

The Bionic Bullshit

I just watched NBC's completely retarded reincarnation of the Lindsay Wagner classic, "The Bionic Woman." Alright, let me not fuck around. Phony nostalgia serves no one. "The Bionic Woman" was a watered-down spin-off of "The Six Million Dollar Man," a far superior program, and this is watered-down recreation of that shit. Yep, as expected, some third-generation diluted shit. Great job casting an end-of-the-bar skank as the protagonist. Now, I have no problem watching heaving chesticles bounce, but damn... I haven't been subject to such terrible acting since "Glitter." How old is the little sister supposed to be? 12? 14? 16? I know the "Power Rangers" conversion chart. Everyone's at least a +5. So, 18-year-old Lucy Hale should be playing at 13-year-old little sister. Back to the shittiness. My buddy (same one from the Vick blog) was super geeked for this program so I decided to watch it with him. Better that than watching the Mets choke on every dick in the NL East. All I derived from this lost hour of my life is that no degree of technological advancement can save us, the general viewing public, from shitty television. If they put half the effort into writing and acting as they did the special effects, the Negroes Banned Channel might have something with this. As it stands though, I'd rather see the 70s snowflake diva crush the tennis ball. A little later I'll be back to tell you what I think of this "A Bay Bay" shit.