Thursday, January 10, 2008

I Love New York: The Reunion (CFBE)

What does CFBE stand for? ...--We'll get to that a little later. I almost forgot that VH1 is obliged to bring the bitch niggas back together for one last self-contained, entirely unintentional roast hosted by Carmelo's sleepy-eyed KB. I know the LaLa jokes have been beaten like a foster daughter but I'll be damned if her tired ass didn't look like she just had the baby that morning. You, yet again, are about to host the reunion episode of America's greatest guilty pleasure. You mean to tell me you ain't have time to go get you a wash-and-set? You let Carmelo do your makeup or something? The shit looks like a color-by-number drawing of RuPaul. You couldn't go see the Asians for the pre-game workup? Facial, manicure, pedicure? You ain't have time for a little "Herrowwwww, Ra-Ra!?" Caramello must got you busy in the candy factory, huh? I hope VH1 doesn't really believe that "I Love New York" viewers are necessarily New York fans. Sure, there is a subset of strange individuals that genuinely adore Tiffany Pollard as her New York character presents. There is a far larger percentage of viewers who are viewers because it is human nature to slow down and watch a 7-car collision with a very high likelihood of fatalities. The first man-whore presented was the entire case for fetal fatality. Larry Fishburne's acting coach and adviser, It. NORE's Cousin It brought a cinder block and bricks to break. After actually breaking the cinder block and bricks with his mighty retard hand, he asserted to New York, his one true love "I'm trynna show you what I could do." Please. My brother Brillo show.-- With mighty strength and skill come a mighty retardation. As the program was obviously divided into segments with specific timestamps, It wasted zero time in making me dazedly stammer to myself "Oh, my god. This nigga brought cold french fries in a box." I'd like to think I'm not alone there. Even white people had that reaction. Don't lie to me, Amanda. Speaking of abominable miscegenation, Sister Patterson is what Uncle Ruckus was talking about when he said "anyone could put lipstick and a wig on a monkey." There's no way this shit is for real. VH1 has gone full-on WWF. I mean like WWF in the 80s when Hulk Hogan, Macho Man, Jake the Snake, Ravishing Rick Rude, Bret "The Hitman" Hart, Ted Dibiase and Koko B. Ware (when whitey wasn't looking) were all trying to put their shriveled-up 'roid weenies all up in Miss Elizabeth. So, seriously? Champion is diggin Sister Patterson out?! She's a ManBearPig and this nigga look like Shawn Wayans on that Roger Clemens. I know what happened here. He caught a glimpse of them stretchmarks and it was over. He was all Ray Lewis on it. Number 52's number had been called and he had to get in there. It was sickening how Champion defiled homegirl's moms on TV like that. The whole crowd went all Springer on it. They gave him pounds and shit. Hmmm. Maybe it was closer to a Maury crowd. Without even an attempt at a worthwhile transition, as Lala has already been dickslapped several times by the teleprompter (because she's horrible), we proceed to the best reality dating character ever. In the first episode, standing among the... you know... normal men, Midget Mac had a face like a scrappy little pitbull. He saw Sister Patterson and sensed her evil. It hasn't let up. He still wants to bark on her, maybe tell her to suck his full-sized midget dick. Yeah, Sister Patterson. Slob on that dwarfy cane. Speaking of cane, they made it clear that they brought Wolf's old inarticulate ass back in front of a camera to settle that little matter of swinging the Hillshire Farms kielbasa. Looking like Flesh N Bone home on a furlough, Wolf mumbled incoherently an agreement to step behind a curtain with Sister Patterson to show her if his dick was anything special. They should have gone full-on Crying Game. Have Sister Patterson whip her shit out. "Now, that's a big dick, you ass-backwards country shit." Thank whoever you pray to that the moron didn't take his cock and balls out. Dick shows always get Sister Patterson a little antsy in the pantsy. Once she gets that syrup in her, there's no stopping that ManBear. Thankfully, she's riled up just in time to greet those low-class Guinea fucks from the restaurant. After watching the VH1 mini documentary, "A Day In The Fuckin Life Of Frankie Goombas," New York was certain she made the right decision. Could you imagine Frankie and that moolie broad Tiffany fucking in the Pizzigniolirella basement? In that town, it'd be the equivalent of Frankie boning Grace Jones. At least that's what all the neighbors who watched through that big ass window with no shade think. Frankie's dad really got it in on "Mister Patterson." I'm pissed. Why didn't I think of that? I also should have known she was a fucking dominatrix. It's the costume she wore to the party. It all came together. At first I thought she was going for some Prince, or maybe that she rode a horse to the show. It couldn't be any clearer now. Speaking of horses worn and beaten, I'm starting to feel terrible about this. Maybe LaLa's neither stupid nor a terrible actress. Maybe she just one of many inner-city youths with an undiagnosed vision problem. You can help. Join Ron Mexico City in the fight to get every kid in the projects to an eye doctor so J.J. can stop putting Diamond Crystal table salt with MSG on his Rice Chex. I don't like Punk & Buddha as the new NWA man-wrasslin' tag-team champions. Punk seems to forget that Buddha doesn't respect him in the least. Buddha seems to forget that Punky Booster played Runteldat to New York the entire second half. Millione made sure he got his face time though. I'm just upset that they so obviously pitted a low-grade contestant pawn up to Buddha just for the sake of stirring up shit. It was like that time that fan got involved in the Million Dollar Man fight and they kept him in the federation. Maybe that's how Millione gets into "the show." Noteworthy Faces in Crowd: White guy with grills, Anthony Anderson look-alike. Solomon Wise tried to deliver Tailor his come-uppance during the "I Have A Dream" speech. That's some trife shit, for sure. Too bad his aim is terrible. His shit worse than Mike Vick. It's so terrible that I couldn't envision him ever engaging in self-defense. Wise would get his shit cracked missing by that wide a margin. Not only did he miss the punch by a mile, but he overshot the landing like Chester Cheetah. He absolutely drilled the back of that chair, though. Grade: D-. Booooooo, Mr. Wise! You should have cracked Tailor Made when he spit on you. Buddha hit him for a lot less and was allowed to stay. Neither New York nor VH1 management can say shit about that. They've let this shit get Springer on every level possible. As we leave this season's reunion episode with the title "Corniest, Fakest Bullshit Ever," I'd like to take the time to recognize VH1 Celebreality's first actual success story. No, not that Tailor Made and New York are still together and madly in love at the time of the reunion episode. We've managed to avoid finding New York pregnant with Tailor Made's baby. Flavor of Love 3 is right around the corner. You deeeig?!


LOWEDWN said...



Ron Mexico said...

wow. you think? the wire?

you know, i thought about it but didn't think there'd be interest. however, i do believe there are enough not-so-closet wire fans that rock with us.


as for "baltimore: the series," isn't that just what "the wire" has become?

all of david simon/ed burns' shit outgrows itself. "the corner" kinda evolved into "the wire." so if we follow a similar format, i could see "baltimore" working out just fine.

that's exciting. kinda like "the wire" isn't dying.

Lowedwn said...

I get what ur saying about the evolution of the "Corner" into the "Wire", I guees that's why I think it would be perfect though, becayse their at the point where they could widen the scope of everything, delve more into East Baltimore, focus solely on the politics and maybe even revist old characters like DeAndre, Namond, Prez, but give them a bit more focus. i don't know I just love those Simon/Burns' writing style and the directors they this can't be the last season.

c b w said...

I don't know what I'm going to do without The Wire after this season. I must agree with the above post about the writing style of the show. It seems as though when they are about to have a non eventful episode, they always find a way to make sure you're going to remember the epsiode and ride with them. Not like those sometime blank episodes of the Sopranos. I believe the wild card character of the season will be Dukie.

Ron Mexico said...

i agree with you on dukie.

you two are enough.

we will discuss the final season of "the wire."

Athena said...

um...well when i saw mr. wise fly @ tailor made i thought he'd been listenin to too much soulja boy. everytime i watch it i hear "superman that ho!" in my head. besides, how the hell did he jum so far so fast? all those cameras and no one got the apporach?

embarassing vh1

Bird said...

The reunion was corny as hell. The best part was when unknown former contestant was clowning Pretty. It was also quite hilarious that Punk's feelings seemed to be genuinely hurt when Tiff dismissed him. Awww.

Now as for The Wire, I'm definately down with the recap. I don't have HBO right now so I want to hear what is going on somehow.

Sahara said...

This was some Springer-shit for real! Mindless Entertainment is right. I do have to admit, the reunion show, and of course Daddy's subsequent blog, was more entertaining than the the entire season put together. I just fear what the hell VH1 and Tiff has up their sleeves next. New York talkin about she aint going no where? I hope her fake "dramatical" (shout out to Flav)ass don't think she can carry a show by herself. She better have some manwhore around to dump her (or a white girl to spit on her) or she can count me out. LoL, sad but true.

KjB said...

I thought Wise got in a good hit with his "leaping mouse knee" maneuver to call it decent. It must have been an editing trick to make him look quicker than he was... but I've never seen someone get past Reunion security on VH1 before so he gets small propers for that. NY shouldn't be mad about Champ and Mr. Patterson after everyone saw her say on video (about 10 times) that she didn't want dude and moms should take him home. A new age of Coonitry shall arise through Flavor of Love once again!