Saturday, October 20, 2007

The Salt & Pepa Show: Don't Push It!

Salt & Pepa's here... --But ain't shit in effect for these girls anymore. As expected on VH1, home of Celebreoverty, the dynamic duo hasn't been excited enough to "Shoop" since they were blurring the Hilfiger logos out of rap videos. The premiere of "The Salt & Pepa Show" did a fine job of explaining the premise of the estrogen war that the series is based upon. Cheryl "Salt" Ward done put down the chocolate magic sticks of the male video hoes (yes, a man can be a video ho) and got saved while her counterpart, Sandy "Pepa" Denton is still trying to live with Treach aftershock. Y'all saw "Love With A Bullet." That man left a paper towel tube-sized cavern where her coochie used to be. My partners and I had a pool going for when the obligatory waterfall of tears would begin. I thought they were gonna break in 5 minutes. They held out for an astonishing 6. Upon hearing of the opportunity to rock a Shaq party Pepa had that look on her face that said "Break out the 8-Ball jackets, bitch!" However, Salt is less than thrilled at the notion of being surrounded by the likes of Stephon Marbury and other nefarious, sexual deviant types. Their manager looked like Lieutenant Daniels watching Herc and Carver argue over where to get the best catfish sandwich in West Baltimore. The two debrief in very different ways. While Pep chooses to cackle it up with the cast of "Living Single" at Applebee's, Salt takes the issue up before her prayer group. Saltine's little vanilla prayer group buddy was like "Get your ass out there and bring those tithes to the congregation!" Damn. Salty dangles the threat of leaving like she's fucking A-Rod. This is why you gotta have solo shit going on. I don't understand. Treach could write for Latifah, but he couldn't help Pep get an LP off? I refuse to believe Latifah had better head game. Flavor Flav couldn’t hold PE back, right? Case in point, Pepa really suggested changing the first line of her "Whatta Man" verse to "a body like Obama." That nigga got a body like Skeletor with a Somalian face. She really couldn't come up with something better? Even Salt's 9-year-old high-yellow altar boy is like "Mom, that shit is lame." At rehearsal we get a little lesson in Pep-ology 102. Apparently "interact" is Pep for “freak off.” The band was having trouble playing with that "Black Chicks Loving Dick" routine going off. She couldn't defend that one. She gave the nigga sim-dome. Upon finding out that Shaq reconsidered having old, pregnant bitches running around in his function, Salt thought it a good idea to have Pepa, who only has strip-club training, rock the church bells. I could only think to myself "Oh, please freak off at church!" That's exactly the degree of jackassery that VH1 is hoping for out of you. Pep fronted on the idea at first but saw the big ass stage and was cool with it. I'm a little upset that they left out Salt's warning though. "We at church, so please don’t deep throat the mic in front of Pastor Bernard." I thought the idea was pretty cool though, mane. Church members deserve a show like that from time to time. Shit. If I pay 10% of my income to some sweaty, neckbone-eatin nigga yelling at me every Sunday, I wanna see a high-quality show from time to time. I can tell from the retard squad they had dancing in the background that these people must have been long overdue for something like this. Pep did do her little freak dip, but cupping her ass only brought more attention to the situation. I didn't have my 3/4 boner until Salt offered that sisterly support I always fantasized about. I can't wait for the rest of the misadventures we must be in for this season of "How Thelma and Louise Got Their Groove Back." There are some serious philosophical differences between these two broads. Something's gotta give, right?

10 comments:

Chi Citys Underdog said...

"Case in point, Pepa really suggested changing the first line of her "Whatta Man" verse to "a body like Obama." That nigga got a body like Skeletor with a Somalian face. She really couldn't come up with something better?

Even Salt's 9-year-old high-yellow altar boy is like "Mom, that shit is lame.""

I was thinking the same shit...its no wonder this chick beggin Salt like she cant go solo...I see whose the brains of the operation and it aint Pinky

Sahara said...

"Sandy "Pepa" Denton is still trying to live with Treach aftershock."-


Is that what it is? Cause something aint right with Ms Pepa. Now she done gone and got Michael's 2nd nose and plastered it to her face. She looks a mess. Both of them are in pretty good shape though, to be old hags. But seriously I love S&P and this looks like its gonna be pleasantly interesting instead painful to watch like Ms New York. Great Blog! Can't wait to see Salt trying to find Pepa a man. A mess!

c b w said...

Where do we begin with this long car wreck that I will be watching until it's season finale.....

You can already tell who's Caine and who's O-Dog and Salt don't want to get wet up outside of her surburban home fuckin around with Pep.

*note* Wasn't that Jason Kidd's big headed baby deliverer telling Salt to get back in the game? I know what that Prayer Group is about...Mo' Money, Mo' Money, Mo' Money!!!!

With all due hip hop respect, I kinda felt bad for Pep, all she wants is to get back on stage and drop it like it's hot. She totally bent over backwards (at least forwards) to appease Salt and we know that can't last for the whole season. I can't wait to see the next adventure of Throwin' Up & Thug Lover.

Ron Mexico said...

CBW!

THANK YOU, my nigga!

i was staring at her forEVER like "damn... i SEEN her somewhere before. is she a soap opera actress or something...?"

FUCKING JOUMANA!!!

wow

c b w said...

"FUCKING JOUMANA!!!!"...literally. I know her love tunnel still hasn't recouped from having those kids.

Also, I used to see one of the chicks at Pep's table every Friday years ago at this clothing store on Memorial Drive in Atlanta called Max Cab's Co. I think she was the owner of the store. She was real cool, but always about the business.

Yung Ether AKA A Hustla Named DubbSacks said...

po' spindarella...they ain't even so much as give her the common courtesy of a reach around!! I know she could have at least got a scene or two in between her shifts at Target.

Ron Mexico said...

but, ether... she was just on the VH! hip-hop honors puttin in work.

you're right. i think target would let her burn a sick day for that.

them bitches didn't even give her a reacharound tho. you're 100% right. that's kinda ruthless.

even if it's just a label discrepancy... they know they can work around that. that's just vindictive on somebody's part. either cheryl and sandy can't stand her ass, or she forgot to blow the wrong nigga at _____ Records.

whitney sure worked her way into a generous share of airtime for "being bobby brown," ya feel me?

Pretty_Dreamer said...

"I thought the idea was pretty cool though, mane. Church members deserve a show like that from time to time. Shit. If I pay 10% of my income to some sweaty, neckbone-eatin nigga yelling at me every Sunday, I wanna see a high-quality show from time to time. I can tell from the retard squad they had dancing in the background that these people must have been long overdue for something like this."

My thoughts exactly! I'd be mad if i gave money all year and only got to see 1 show...

Yung Ether AKA A Hustla Named DubbSacks said...

ron said: "she was just on the VH1 hip-hop honors puttin in work."

true, but they aint even give her one of them plastic, spray painted, 2 dollar ass badges they give out. While ya bullshittin, i think they made her pay to get in.

ron said: "whitney sure worked her way into a generous share of airtime for "being bobby brown," ya feel me?"

i think whitney did that show strictly to piss clive davis off for cuttin them "bodygaurd" checks off. I miss that show though, the void for true crackhead love has yet to be filled.

Mrs. Mexico said...

I kinda felt bad for Pepa. She will have to kiss Salt's ass all season long and in the end, Salt is still going to quit. The girl from SWV wound up quitting for the same reasons.

Didn't Salt have a nose job too?