Friday, October 19, 2007
2007 BET Hip-Hop Awards Recap
Fashiggadle, my niggadle. Where da marbles? It's your number one higgadizzle, Ronnie Theeizz from The Bay. Oooooooh! They had Forty Water workin his ass off didn't they? Nigga said "Why sit around this bitch spending money when I could be getting paid." I ain't mad at it. I'm over here tycoonin and campaignin, ya smiggadelle me? Did I say "coonin?" The 2007 installment of The Negro Channel Awards for the Highest Form of Negroid Expression Awards of Atlana (TNCAHFNEAA) were a marked improvement over last year's embarrassment to the race. Bearing the mantra "Style. Substance. Swagger," *gags* this year's played more like a work-related weekend seminar entitled "The Artisan and the Need for his Revival." Even the closing credits menaced: "Founder, Be Creative: Stop Putting Only Cars and Girls In Videos Movement - Stephen G. Hill" Oooooh. BET has dropped the noose for all ignorant niggas to see. However, I believe this is the man whose name appears at the end of "ComicView" as "V.P. of Funny," so I don't trust a word that comes out of this nigga mouth. I'm glad they have a foundation in place for this affliction, but I'll believe in it's effectiveness when it shows signs of paying for more than Donnie Simpson's Dr. Miracle subscription. That was his pension from "Video Soul." A lifetime's supply of Dr. Miracle's Scalp Scorching Pomade. "Why be your dark, ugly, nappy-ass self when you can have 'good hair' and impress people?" "Bitch. You need a miracle!" Anyway... After a Crackhouse Couture-adorned Kanye West shouted off-key for about 5 minutes over the entire fucking New York Philharmonic, LL Cool J, looking equally homeless, presented Common with the first on-screen award of his 16-year professional rap career. That is a god-damned travesty. BET had to hit him in the head with two for good measure. Astride the Lane Bryant-edition Phantom, or at least it look like a Phantom, Katt Williams glides to his throne. This little nigga didn't even bother to get his hair done or nothin. This ain't no HBO shit, so dude was lie "Fuck it. I will step up in this bitch looking exactly how I did when I woke up in Damon's loving arms this morning." I see it must be Lil' Wayne's weekend with the kids. Nigga had the whole Fresh Air Fund with him. He murdered "Gossip" and was well-deserving of the MVP award this season. He definitely dropped about 81 on niggas in 2006-07. They didn't need to keep refilling his Hennessey cup though. Halfway through the program he wasn't speaking English anymore. I also see that the Michael Vick Atlanta Falcons jersey has become the new official flag of the United States of Niggerdom. I guess I missed the performance when T.I. rocked on "The Love Boat," huh? When Nelly performed his new garbage and the little girl came up to knock on his belt buckle, I was like "Is he about to pee on that little wench?" I bet that would have secured his title for next year's "Move The Crowd" award. I'm also elated to see Nelly and Ashanti still going strong. The two of them are one flop away from the permanent exit sign. God, if you exist, please don't let them have any children! Don't nobody wanna see the hairy, horseface little gremlins that would sprout forth from Ashanti's Glen Cove. I agree 100% with MC Lyte. These bitches need to listen to the niggas that’s respecting the bitches. Speaking of bitches, Hurricane Chris' little toddler hypeman is really cute until you lean down to his eye level. At face-to-bandana level you'll notice that he got a .22 in his back pocket. Lil' Boosie came out looking like the King of Turdministan with that purple robe on. I could imagine you'd need to wear something as gaudy as that to ensure that no one tries to flush you while you're walking around human beings. I thought he was Randy Marsh's mega-shit that took the crown from Bono. YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! *points at readers indiscriminantly* Wyclef Jean, The #1 Hatian by default because he has running water in his home, is really on some Jimi Hendrix shit. I see Clef on that "Spanish Castle Magic." He’s very far away. It’d probably take about a half a day to get there if you travel by… Lauryn’s vagina. Busta Rhymes can still motivate me to kill just like when I saw "Higher Learning" for the first time. Black fist all over that ass! Don’t let me listen to the “Ante Up” remix. I’ll go rob somebody in the train station right now! I’m glad they cast Ciara in “Mama I Want To Learn To Sing.” That’s some thoughtful shit. When Common performed I wanted that nigga to get close enough for me to rest my empty glass on his arm. What the fuck was he doing with Kanye’s tight-ass white jacket on? What was he, waiting tables and shit? I want some of whatever Cornel West was tokin on. I was gonna make a Vick joke about that dog if Katt wasn’t! I had my shit ready! Fluffy saw a lot of Vick jerseys in that audience. Little nigga knew what time it was. He ain’t wanna come out. Since Kanye was in the mood to give awards back, maybe he should have given back that “Move The Crowd” shit too. Big Boi showed some class. Ronnie Thizzle would have went up there an been like “You’s a special kind of megalomaniac, ain’t ya, little nigger?” I mean, damn. Whatever the fuck the Louis Vuitton Don conceives is how it’s just supposed to be, huh? If you're anything like me, you're waiting for that Jena 6 album to drop. Them niggas came up looking like S.A.S. Diplomats or some shit. They sounded like Huckleberry Finn, but they looked like them tea and crumpet niggas. I did not know it was okay to dress like Jim Jones in Louisiana if you weren't Lil' Wayne. Did we really have to sit through like 10 minutes of Soulja Boy at the end? I don’t wanna shit on anyone’s dance craze. "Walk It Out" helped me realize the error in that logic. On the one hand I realize a dance is a dance, but if it looks like a plantation chorus line then goddammit that’s what the fuck it look like. How about we "Summer School dat ho?!" "Lean to the left and crack that history book" or some shit. Anyway, I'll be holding BET accountable to this new standard they have affixed themselves to this week. If I don't see changes, there will be hell to pay. Now YUUUUUUUUUUULE!