Wednesday, October 17, 2007
I Love New York 2: Into The Lake of Fire
This week on "19 Freaks and a Midget," Miss New York tests her stable's propensity to accelerated adaptation by tossing about 15 porch monkeys into a lake. Whosoever pleases the Cockness Monster the most via natural selection earns one-on-one time with the whore, the myth and the legend all at once. ...and I still wait for the letter carrier to bring me my O.J. prize. Damn, Midget Mac really is Bushwick Bill. I wonder what it was like for him in prison. You'd think Mac was the most ridiculous looking guy in the room, but Knockout is right next to him wearing a retard safety helmet. Yours looks like a 1950s pimp and sounds like Deion Sanders sucked on a helium balloon. If it weren't for the fact that he's been branded more times than a gimpy horse, I'd say he looks like he used to hustle with Brother Malcolm back in the day. Hey, I'm just glad the nigga escaped. What the shit?! Everybody shitting on Unsure for his recycled gift when Yours drew a sketch of Aretha Franklin and gave it to Tiff. That wasn't even young Aretha neither. That was "fitty-leven neckbone with bacon in the sweet potatoes" Aretha. It took him six hours to do that shit? I can't believe that. I can get a terrible portrait from a little Asian man in Times Square in about 7 minutes. Still, she ain’t have to do him like that. Hey, I can't take compassion on a collective of dudes vying for the affections of such a horrible bitch anyways. As weak as the titty shirt was, that was still more creativity than I expected from It. Tony Sunshine Cake's megaphone introduction was so ominous! "Midget Mac! Get your little ass in the water and flap those frog legs." Mac seen his uncle drown, but he mannin up. I think they popped his shit on purpose! I’d be less than surprised to find out that ManBearPig is on the other side with a dart blower. God bless Buddha for doing some shit a regular nigga is supposed to do. "Buddha is impressing me so much by exhibiting the human decency that no other man on the shore would." I see Unsure bought that jacket for his chunky girlfriend back home. I'm glad we were able to hear the niggas in the background making the Canal Street jokes. That jacket was the gaudy kind of shit that fake Canal Street classics are made of. I, for one, think the Bootleg Garment Workers of the American Underworld (BGWAU) needs to unionize. I can't imagine how long it took Ling-Ling to sew all them Ds, Gs and ampersands all over that jacket. Must have taken... about as long as it took her pops to draw that Aretha. Wolf and Knockout brought them aexual chocolates. "Listen, baby! The chocolate penis shooting vanilla icing has no sexual connotation. I promise!" New York was like "Fuck the Buddha bear." That nigga could have swam over with a turd in his palm and she would have sucked it out of his hand. Terry McMillan's ex-husband, Punk, is looking for the camera more than New York. Tailor Made continues to test CB4's the inner and outer ho with some Manolos. After being made aware that he was one of the lake champions (along with Buddha Lova & Tailor Made) Midget Mac breakdances to celebrate. I was pretty stoked to see that he didn't break out the cardboard or sand. How does midget cologne work? Does it come in a little "Alice in Wonderland" bottle? I guess you don't want him using the wrong proportion, right? I can't think of anything worse than a midget reeking of Usher's funky ass cologne. He'd be like a little tear gas grenade running around pulling out chairs for bitches. “I should go to jail for being so fresh.” No, little nigga. You should go to jail for robbing Lazarus Kids' on 125th Street... Except for that shirt. That's a regular-size nigga shirt, and I was waiting for him to trip on it. The funny/great thing is that New York is really diggin on Mac Daddy. He's starting to GROW on her. She's even looking for Ranch dressing to go with his tossed salad. I am so not down with this! Midget Mac seems like a genuinely good guy and deserves better. It is gonna suck when she crushes his little balls on national. I don't know why Unsure even mentioned the pre-owned bootleg jacket in the first place, but good play by Cheezy to deflect the snitch. Let Shmendrick The Entertainer and 20 Pack waddle over with The First Wifebeaters' Club. Unsure fucked up thinking the walk it out trick would work too. You ain't Tango, nigga. She ain't gonna stop you. Hit the bricks backwards, Chamo. Wait... Where the fuck is Chamo? Is this big sloppy nigga his boyfriend or something? While Buddha and Tailor are out with NY, Cuzzin It is back in the crib doing the Heineken Party Keg switch! Having It in the house is like having NORE as a contestant. Everything surrounding that situation is like a scene out of "State Property 2." I could have sworn this nigga was gonna say he got the flowers from El Plaga. Then he gonna perform forcible Ren & Stimpy-tongue entry on the bitch you don't already put a down payment on? Tailor Made should have jumped in his ass, spray-painted "Tailor Was Here", stepped out and close the ass behind him. "Boom boom boom. You want a lemon?" my ass! Sidenote: This season of "Curb Your Enthusiasm" is excellent! Shit. Unless Laurence Fishburne was buying his coke in LeFrak City, there's no way Morpheus would so much as step over It's 4th & goal-at-the-1 ass. Tailor couldn't protect his flowers from CNN becaue he was out racing The Houston 500 starring New York as the jizz target. For all of the experience he claims to have, he got put against the wall like Loren Wallace in the GEICO commercial! We see the NASCAR highlights on SportsCenter between, you know, the real sports. We know how to do this too. When Tango-- I mean, Buddha, said "I love black women." Tailor Made was on the bleachers masturbating talking about "*sniff* I love black women too." I'm not surprised in the least that Miss New York speaks restraining order. It really came as no surprise to anyone that Detroit Red got the boot. Well... I guess, except you Yours. Homie came out soundin like Jason Weaver in "ATL." That's on you if you wanna sleep/blunt your chance away. If she thought Knockout was a violent pinto beans with eyes should he really have gotten out of the first event? Cheezy ain't goin nowhere. Snitches welcome! In a final show of class, ManBearPig slaps herself on the hocks as she makes her departure. Damn. It appears Midget Mac is gonna both the underdog and the moral compass of this program. I love it.