Thursday, September 6, 2007

Throwback Thursday: Keith Sweat Double-Up

Here lie two of the best from the worst popular R&B singer of the 80s & 90s. Ladies and gentlemen, the finest hours of Apollo Legend, Keith Sweat! Keith Sweat feat. Kut Close - "Twisted" I thought we were down. After a cameo in "New Jack City," non-singin ass Keith wannna play po-leese. With "Darkie's Angels" by his side, he really feels like he can do anything, so the label allowed it. In the mid 1990s, everybody had Puffy syndrome. During this era, the colored music video was almost guaranteed to be a mini-motion picture event, and an insightful look into a lot of niggas' psyches. You know what Keith Sweat should have made a video fantasy about? Being a singer. Instead we get neither a convincing cop nor recording artist. Oh, and three handfuls of Harlem weave magic. I can't cut too hard on Kut Klose's weave situation. 12 years ago we didn't have a lot of the major advances in Trackology that we enjoy and take for granted today. These shits are like designer braces now. You don't know how many women I've come across who have made the decision to augment their lives with "InvisaWeave." Back to the caper. This is some of the worst detective work ever caught on film. This is why the NYPD ain't shit. Detective Sweat somehow gets the perp's address and everything. The Black Widow burglar/murderer just in the house chillin in lingerie waiting. After getting embarrassed like that, you CAN'T simp! You're NYPD! Your family owns half of Malcolm X Boulevard! Shit, have you been on Lenox recently? Correction: They own ALL of it. Fuck the "STOP SNITCHING!" t-shirts. I'm gonna start up some "STOP SIMPIN'" ones. I mean, dude. You shoulda locked her ass up after you busted that nut! Pretend to get freaky with the cuffs, then drag her stupid, ho ass downstairs to the car. "Oh, bitch. You thought I was gonna let you off after a fuck?! Better had gave me some zebra head."
Damn, Keith Sweat. You just aren't good at anything, are you? This played out more like the preview for "My Thievin' Ex-Girlfriend." AND you let the bitch get shot at the end. Jesus. You're useless! Keith Sweat feat. Athena Cage - "Nobody" *holds nose* Now whoooo can love you like meeeeeee?! This go-round, nigga came out the dressing room (car) lookin like a skinny Nate Dogg. The most interesting part of the clip to a 2007-dweller is a look back at Mekhi Phifer's humble video ho beginnings. In direct competition with Bokeem Woodbine, the scrappy licorice-gummed Phifer edged out the gap and the crazy eye by a couple of... fuck it. "ER." It's obviously 1995, so why are they dressed like Keith Sweat dodged a still-segregated army for a life of 1945 pimping? You can't help but feel terrible for Athena Cage. Homegirl was ruined from the start. Everything Keith Sweat touches turns to shit. Before this last New Edition tour Johnny Gill was giving restroom handjobs and Gerald Levert was... you know... alive. How he got to be sandwiched between Levert and Gillie Da Queer is beyond me... but I bet Johnny was the bottom bun. After all this time and nasty talk, the nigga gonna pull up at CHURCH? Do we miss the rest of the clip that shows footage of a Hot Ghetto Mess wedding? Damn. May whoever you pray to bless Keith Sweat's awkward, non-dancing, non-singing ass. While you're at it, request a remedy for looking like Patrick Ewing and Allan Houston went half on a cub.

9 comments:

ChingDiva said...

I'ma always be first, I got the inside track ;)

Keith Sweat! This nigga winked at me in front of the London hotel on 54th st. He's old as shit and was dressed like a very young man, white uptowns like a 6 or 7 platinum (white gold?) chains with LARGE pendants and a white blazer! In the MFn rain! LOL, and I laughed to myself thinkin damn Keith Sweat looks older than a mug, and he winks at me!

LMAO, I always thought he was whinin ass Mofo.

Ron Mexico said...

i love the man... but we can't pretend like he can sing.

let's not lie to ourselves, now.

that's funny as hell that he tried to put that patrick ewing charm on tho. would have loved to seen that.

Ron Mexico said...

oh, yeah...

and i'm mad i couldn't find the "why me baby" remix video with ll cool j.

Anonymous said...

MAYNE HOW DID I KNOW U WAS GONNA PICK DEM TWO VIDEOS KEITH SWEAT I DONT EVEN KNO WHA TO SAY I GUESS HE BLEW HIS NOSE AN HAD 2 RETIRE "HOLD YA NOSE" ANYONEONE CAN SING LIKE KEITH

WWW.MYSPACE.COM/THAGRINDAHOLIC
NEW TRACK "RACE DA V8'S"

Anza Borrego Spirit said...

"You know what Keith Sweat should have made a video fantasy about? Being a singer."

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Great call for this Throwback Thursday. Man, I remember when he first came out, and my high school friends were talking about how sexy he was. (I know, it makes me naseuous even typing that.) I was like, "Bitches, are we watching the same video here? My dog makes sexier noises licking its scrotum."

I had to watch these videos with the sound off on my laptop... and not because I'm at work either. I'd sooner listen to a prison rape.

And muchos besos for making me a "Partner in the Hate"! *tear* I haven't been this honored since my hot college professor made a pass at me. Memories...

- E

Yung Ether said...

damn, just how many mu'fuckin videos is that black old school 4-door in, i can think of about 8 off the top of my head...

Pretty_Dreamer said...

My oh my! The Gods of hate are raining down their plentyful bounty upon us. Keith Muthafuckin Sweat. My nigga! Where do I begin? What can be said about this man that we haven't said about "uncle" Charlie Wilson. He's bombed out, depleted, and like that scuzzy old man (Uncle Charlie) in the club. No, Keith can't "SANG" a lick. But that shit doesn't matter today, and apparently it didn't matter in 1987. Keith ushered in the era of talentless ass singers. But we must give praise - "I Want Her" is still my song, and I know you'll wanna do the wop when that shit comes on the oldies station. But his videos are truly fuckin painful. He was doing old man dance steps ten years ago. SAD.

Ron, I remember the video for "Why Me Baby" featuring LL 'Pink Cookies In A Plastic Bag Getting Crushed By Buildings' Cool J. They thought he was going to show up as 'Mama Said Knock You Out'. Instead he came to the shoot as 'Pink Cookies'.

I'd still take Keith Sweat over Ciara, mano eh mano! Hehe

Mike Crown said...

WOW u've done it again!! "Patrick Ewing and Allan Houston went half on a cub" .... wow. Hate on.

Sahara said...

Keith Sweat, awww man. Hillarious post. "the gap and the crazy eye" LOL, I used to love me some Bookeem Woodbine. U da best!