Friday, September 7, 2007

BET UnCut Classics: Joker the Bailbonsdman feat. Bizzy Bone - "Uh Huh (Money in a Ziploc Bag)" video

For your hating pleasure, I've decided to reach back and get at some of the classic BET UnCut videos we missed out on at you-know-where. The glory days of the 3AM EST ghetto spankfest that was BET UnCut were defined by a handful of cinematographic events the likes of "What That Thang Smell Like," "Dolly," "Tip Drill," "Slap It, Clap It" and the bottom bitch collection du jour "Uh Huh." Like so many struggling rapsters of the late night BET bottom-feeder era, Joker The Bailbondsman scraped together the $350 necessary to find a celebrity guest appearance, convince diseased strumpets, record and film. After the shoot, this nigga found himself with about $80 to spare. At the point of this video's debut I'd thought my high school heroes to be buried under a $400,000 pile of crack this high! I was saddened to know that I was obviously correct. Layzie Bone looks just as shermed out as hip-hop's resident whipping boy, Bizzy. Krayzie and Wish don't have to be present for this fuckery. I'm no detective or anything, but I'd think it safe to say that Bizzy wasn't the only Bone eating the swine at this barbecue, ya dig? Joker either got pictures of these niggas doing some Thuggish, Ruggish Down Low shit, or they get their PCP from this man. In high school, I would have loved nothing more than to smoke a blunt with these niggas... and I didn't even smoke weed then. Today I wouldn't want to be in the same room with their crop-dusted delights. Bizzy's scaring the children of crackheads at the damn welfare office! I bet talking to him like the G.I. Joe overdubs for those poor Cleveland ghetto bastards. "HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" In 1996, a rap group couldn't sell more records than Bone with 2 Puff Daddies damndest. Today, trauma-tested foster children see Bizzy and Joker at the welfare office and fear for their lives. Funny how shit can change in ten years. Drug-addicted former celebrities aside, this video has a weak stable of bitches even by UnCut standards. ("Weak" is me being nice.) I mean, I've seen the stoochiest of the oochie at 3:27 AM on Channel 42, but Joker's bitches send my cock and balls running to the suicidal refuge of my 98.7-degree pelvic inset. My sperm would rather die than be swallowed in any manner by that banana bitch with the grape stoochie lips. Ugh. I think I just saw clitoris. Joker got them "unfinished" cornrows. Them shits ain't ready for harvest. They only go halfway down the back of his head. I understand braids gotta start somewhere, but keep the damn hat on if your shit is coming up short! Avoid camera shots from the back! It's not like you ain't directing the shit. You're the one yelling at DaVaughn to hold the camera steady! Don't nobody wanna see that unfinished Hot Wheels track reaching for the back of your leathery neck. What the fuck is this? Christmas at the Joker's house? You don't even have to ask Bizzy what he wants. You don't even need a box. Just put a ribbon on the rock and he'll call you his brother for life. This UnCut video is the greatest anomaly I've seen in that it has some of the greatest star power in the program's history with literally ZERO fuckable bitches in it. I guess it's served its purpose though as I can't post up in front of any bodega in Greater New York area without being able to have a prolonged conversation about this video if ever I desire to roll my eyes back and sing the ever-infectious chorus of:
"Uh Huh! Uh Huh! Ain't nothin' like money in a Ziploc bag./ Uh Huh! Uh Huh! Smash with the cash. Yeah!"


ChingDiva said...


WTF, you should have done what it smell like!

BOne hit rock bottom in this vid, he was clearly not right.

*Future* said...

I'm for sure the room smelled like hogs head cheese after them hoes were done dancing

Hate on Ron!

dani said...

'i ain't got no panties on [on the dancefloor]' was a classic too

Edgar That Mexican Guy said...

Ok, first off who told these little test-tube babies they could sing hooks?

And this fool said "instead of dealing with my priorities I buy a bag of weed".

Sahara said...

I haven't kept up with bone since "Tha Crossroads". I rather remember them that way. I didn't know Bizzy was getting high like THAT. I feel pretty disgusted after watching this one, even by "UnCut" standards. I just witnessed one of my favorite rap groups have rock/blunt session, complete with discount hookers and monopoly money in ziplocs? Thanks taking my innocence Mr. Mexico:)

Deanna said...

Wow!!!! I thought I was the only one in the world who knew about this video. I seen this shitz on BET UnCut and was astonished. This and "Tell Me What It Smells Like" are classics (kinda). I mean, once you see this shit, it's burned into your memory the same way Dolemite was. It makes absolutely no sense, you can't follow the story line or the verses, and you're left saying "What the fuck was that?" at the end of this video. And, being a confident straight female, I can appreciate a good stripper every now and then cuz I can reap the benefits at the crib later with my dude, but these bitches made me start itchin' just at the sight of 'em. BARF!!!