Monday, September 10, 2007
The 2007 VMA Mexican Post Show
Fuck a [sweet, gentle] Sway! Ron Mexico here with the VMA post-game you actually care about. It rocks you my way. Live from Sodom and Gomorrah! It's Sunday night! This year, MTV’s Bullshit for Bullshit Awards were held at the pinnacle of societal degradation. I knew MTV didn’t give a wet squirrel fart about the viewing public, but damn… they don’t give two shits about the celebrities they whore and create either. Having the VMAs in Las Vegas is like having an NA meeting in The Carter. "Scottie! Help! I’m gonna DIE!" Yes, you are, Britney. Yes, you are. So I watched the triumphal re-entry of the Queen of the Trailer Parks. Britney Spears damn near sent sexy back from where Justin saved it. When she and her “troupe” came out lookin like some strippers out of “Pluto Nash,” I almost lost my shit. After all this damn time you gonna return with a caricature of the bottom bitch you once were? Her pimp didn’t even prime her for the strip properly. She was ALMOST ready to perform in bra-and-panties again. She needed about 3 more weeks on the DL. I can see she skipped a couple of rehab starts. I’m not saying her physique is unacceptable by any means. I’m just saying in comparison to her previous playing weight, homegirl look like she around 2-months pregnant with her third. That baby gonna look just as confused as the other two. Brit tried to rock that shit like back when she wasn’t fuckin with the Applebee’s rib plate. I wasn’t the only nigga perplexed by what I saw. They kept cutting back to 50 Cent who looked like he was on another fucking planet. It’s not like they announced who was performing before she got up there looking like a Pussycat Doll audition. He had that look like “Yo, I seen that stripper somewhere before.” Watching Sarah Silverman bomb is a not-so-guilty pleasure of mine. For all the self-deprecating Jew jokes she tossed, she had the crowd quieter than Peter Van Daan and Anne Frank during Gestapo shift change. Alicia Keys looked like a sheep dog dipped in peanut butter. --A sheep dog I’d like to fuck. She could leave the peanut butter on too. I wouldn’t compain. Lemme get the law straight first. I see the boy Vick wasn’t clear, now he’s doing time. I can fuck a sheep dog, I just can’t kill the bitch after, right? In all seriousness, Alicia Keys is an important sociological case study for contemporary American music. This is the delicate balance of image between hoodrat and covergirl that Mariah Carey toppled the fuck over doorknockers-first. After the 15-second processing delay required to understand Alicia Keys’ teleprompter-reading I was like “What?! Niggas is partying DURING the show?! In other places?! What kind of shit is that?!” That's how terrible the show was. I’d later come to understand that the idea wasn’t terrible, just the execution. (Which is a bit of a surprise being that this is a music network.) Pete Wentz’s mic not working is probably for the best. I can listen to a little Fall Out Boy from time to time, but you can’t make me listen to these Hipster Nation expatriates speak. Here’s what it looked like he was saying: “I’m here with a Blazian broad named Chocolate Thai, a hooker my label has on call for the rest of the night, the Easter Bunny and a guy who calls himself Smoove B. Why the fuck am I down here?” I love how they call the fake J.Lo from Pussycat Dolls by her name now. That’s cool as hell. It’s hard out here for a pimp, but it looks like shit is getting better and better for a ho. Soon enough, she’ll have the right to vote and everything. Progress is a slow process, people. If it weren’t enough that the award categories are complete fucking horseshit, Lil Mama looked like she was expecting to win that “Monster Single” award! I mean, when Rihanna went up there, the “Lip Gloss” girl looked genuinely disappointed! If this is not a sign of the times, I don’t know what the fuck else to tell you folks on this blog. Lil Mama AND her lip gloss should be back in front of the Magic Johnson Theatre waiting for some nigga in a BAPE sweatshirt to buy her a ticket to the back row of “Who’s Your Caddy?” I think Kanye was going for the Ray Charles look, but ended up more resembling Geoffrey from “The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.” When Justin Timberlake accepted whatever that award was for… every singer with a clothing line, the nigga took the opportunity to show the known universe his balls if they so cared to see. JT was drunk early! They bring his award to his party/performance and he shits in MTV’s cereal! “Play some more fuckin videos! I don’t give a shit about teenage bitches on Laguna Beach! I don’t wanna see a skater and his Chocolate Slave Bear! I wanna see MY shit! Let's get some fackin FRENCH TOAST!” It’s not like you haven’t been thinking the exact same shit for the past 10 years. Look at what “The Real World” started! People always ask me what I think of this whole Kanye West/50 Cent release date beef. I always reply “I’d love to see Kanye get knocked the fuck out by 50 on 106 & Park.” We all know it’s not going to happen, but If 50 did that, he’d earn himself a 180-day hate pass. He should have done it right there in Las Vegas. Kanye wouldn’t even let 50 help present the damn award! I hate that little nigga. I slow-motioned Beyonce’s walk up to accept her award. That is a whole lot of chocolate deliciousness. What I wouldn’t give to be the tape on her titties for like… 5 minutes. That’s all I’d need. I wouldn’t want to waste any more of your precious time, Mrs. Knowles-Carter. Chris Brown murdered that Charlie Chaplin’s Cabin shit. I was a little disappointed with his decision to make it rain though. I mean, shit. You don’t wanna get suspended the entire TRL season for throwing your allowance in the air, Chris! You know these networks are telling us we got to do better. They barely asked him to lip sync. When you can table dance like that, no one cares if you line up properly with the lyrics! I’ll tell you what, though. That "Umbrella/Cinderella" remix needed to happen live and it did not. Chris Brown and my favorite Klingon are on stage at the same damn time, and we can’t get a little Cinderella-ella-ella-eh?! -2 points for MTV. Nice to see Ashanti still gets invited to these things. Ja Rule and Cadillac Tah don’t, but sideburns does? As Flesh –N- Bone would ask, “Why are we living in a world so cruel?” What can I say about Soulja Boy that hasn’t been said about Ciara? Why invite Bojangles to the party if he ain’t gonna dance? Maybe this fall Lloyd can replace Luciano Pavarrotti in “The 3 Tenors.” No, wait. Maybe Lloyd should be the “L” in LSG now. "My pomade all over your pomade, baby!" Side note: "Superbad" is hysterical. See it if you haven’t. Timbaland has become JT’s bodyguard. Justin wins an award, but Tim is the first nigga on the stage. “Come get this award off the end of my dick!” Justin mailed in another party foul with that comment about Chris Brown making him wish he were younger. I’m sorry, Justin. There was no point in your existence at which you could dance like Chris Brown. You’re good, but you’re no touchdown. You know them retarded kids can dance they ass off. Don’t act like I’m the only nigga that made a special kid dance for some Starburst, now. I guess Justin feels like since he’s working a triple shift for MTV networks, he can say what he damn well pleases. I think he just likes testing the limits of his own dick. So far, it’s totally immersed in tongue and throat. I see you, Cee-Lo! I think Shia LeBeouf is funny, but he’s totally gonna be the next young celeb outed with a vicious drug habit. That award presentation was definitely cocaine-powered. I love how not only did Fergie really win over Beyonce, but she also had better shit to do that night than attend... unlike Bey--... nevermind. I wonder if T-Pain can survive back home in the forest without a vocoder. Don’t think we didn’t peep homie and his trouble with the stairs. In all fairness, they had them niggas doin like 4 flights mid-performance. As much as I love to hate Kanye, his showmanship was on point all night. I was pleasantly surprised that he didn’t complain about not winning an award. I didn’t know Weezy F. was a Gym Class Hero. Nice to see Linkin Park on stage. Okay, I’m lying. No, it’s not. However, I was thoroughly entertained by the singer with the Bobby Brown crack voice. That was cool. Shit, we deflated a whole mess of stereotypes last night, didn’t we? Kid Rock & Tommy Lee fighting over that beef jerky. Linkin Park’s singer had the crack voice. Adam Levine of Maroon 5 got shot in the face …with Pete Wentz’s load. I see Alicia gave up on that 7th grade piano she used to play. If I hear her rendition of “Fur Elise” one more fuckin time I swear I’m gonna hold her girlfriend (Eve) for ransom. Good to know Alicia ain’t lost her singing touch. She still sounds like Keyshia Cole’s older sister in the shower. Why is she famous again? There is a girl in Grand Central Station every day that sings and plays twice as good as her. She’s dark-skinned and not nearly as peanut-buttery delicious though. Jamie Foxx scared the living shit out of Jessica Garner. That's all her fault though. She really shouldn’t have let him dip into any of Ben Affleck’s coke pouch. A drunk and coked-up Jamie Foxx is terrible for everyone. He’s like Loki when he’s fucked up. Gym Class Heroes wilded out like they just won the NBA finals when they got that Best New Artist VMA! I was hoping to finish this program without having to sit through a terrible 50 Cent performance. All these years and this nigga still can’t perform “In Da Club” properly? For shame, Curtis. For shame. What’s up with that half-assed Lifetime Achievement acknowledgement for Dr. Dre? We ain’t giving him a moon man or nothing. We just letting him pose around on stage with his new body for a few seconds. He IS the moon man now. I love Mary J. Blige as much as the next girl named LaWanda, but it looked like she was in serious pain reading that prompter. She had that “these forceps are cooooold” look on her face. So “Umbrella” is video of the year? Seriously?! I told y’all niggas! It was the silver body paint. You really can’t lose with that shit. Rub it all over a fine ass woman and good things happen. It’s both a damn shame and wildly hilarious that Puffy had to drop the PSA airing out Kid Rock and Tommy Lee. Over a pair of inflata-titties?! In case you didn’t notice, Puffy was at the same time trying his hand at yet another endeavor. I bet you couldn’t even tell he was doing ventriloquism with Yung Joc on his lap. *puts hand up man-puppet* “Hustlenomics! In Stores Now!” Dallas Austin is happy as hell not to be in some Dubai prison. Not to be shown up by Dr. Dre in a muscle shirt, Timbaland said “FUCK YOU, DRE! Do it in the wifebeater!” Lookin like Mr. T with all them damn chains on tho, nigga. Both of these beatsmiths have compiled their fortunes and taken them to Stark Enterprises. They two are trying out for the lead role in next fall’s most anticipated evening drama “The Bionic Producer.” Check your listings, but I’m pretty sure the shit is gonna be on NBC. These niggas are gonna take 50’s advantage away. When the talented niggas are diesel too, what the fuck will be left for the Curtis Jacksons and Omarions of the world? I guess they’ll have to settle for invitations to Puffy’s “Please Love Me” parties.