Saturday, February 9, 2008
The Boondocks: "The Story of Catcher Freeman"
"Don't trust them new niggers is not a Negro spiritual!" - Huey Freeman The same incredible grandma-nana I refer to in the "S"-word column also happens to be pretty damn fair-skinned. I'm blacker than black (and I'm black, y'all). The Freemans appear to be that caramel complexion, as Tom DuBois would say. We're all black enough to count as three-fifths of a vote. We're also all black enough to be ignored by a taxi. However, it's undeniable that some of us have a little cream in the genetic coffee. I acknowledge this and hope with all of my heart that none of you discriminate against me on account of my ailment. When I asked Nana Mexico why I was so dark and she was so light, she blamed the sun instead of telling me the horrible truth. Though Massa denied in public, he totally brought himself to bone her grandmother. Of course, Nana Mexico's grandfather beheaded ole Massa and liberated the entire Virginia plantation 'cuz we ain't no bitch niggas. In addition, if Ronnie were born he would have told Massa to suck his dick and bale his own motherfuckin cotton. Wouldn't have let that slavery shit happen to me, though. While never as eloquently worded as say, "Pudd'nhead Wilson", the oral tradition remains the most effective means of communicating family history in the black community. Of course, this is primarily because there isn't much documentation of whatever family we've had since Plymouth Rock landed on us. If we want to read about who mammied and pappied who, we'd have to check the sales receipts. Much like the telephone game, we always manage to fuck something up in translation. Whether it's the size of your grandfather's dick or the ever-increasing number of Klansmen he choked out with his bare hands, details get embellished worse than Oprah's weight loss figures. That's not to say that anything your folks tell you came from ignorantmonkeyshit.com, though. Much love to Donald Faison for his role as "the house negro." Glad to see he could keep his face out of Zach Braff's taint long enough to lay down some vocals on the McGruder set.