Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Johnte - "Red Monkey Jeans" video
Between Martin Luther King, jr. Day and the end of "Here's Your Little Ass Month, Niggers" Month lies this strangely somber period of about 40 days in which I lament excessively over the fate and status of black people. Johnte's "Red Monkey Jeans," an afterschool center session gone terribly wrong, rests firmly atop the list of shit that's particularly bothering me this Blent (Black Lent, if you will). I'm more amazed than anything at how readily we embrace various forms of Monkey Gear. We got teenage coons babbling on about their Bathing Apes. This little baboon here is in love with his Red Monkey Jeans. I don't know. I could have sworn we were trying to get away from the association with monkeys, gorillas, baboons, orangutans, marmosets and the like. While some of us may happen to look like the non-hominidae primates in question, we are not. Though we do little to prove otherwise. Am I missing something? This video looks like a surefire UnCut Classic in the making, but I saw it in broad the fuck daylight. It couldn't have been any later than noon. Somebody's uncle knew where to bring the duffel bag. You would think if he were related to a big time drug dealer (the only explanation for this shit on television before 3AM), then he wouldn't have to borrow Uncle Gutta's Spongebob jacket. That shit is at least 3 sizes too big for him. Even Spongebob knows he shouldn't be in this video. He's not sure why. He just knows something is terribly wrong. It's the reason Mr. Krabs is always pissed. This racism is killing him inside. The fuck does this kid mean when he says his teeth "color-coordinated, complimenting the jeans?" Does Johnte have a green shirt to match the green braces? Maybe a little something to compliment the rubberbands? That's it, nigga. I got it! You the Rubberband Man! Shit. Will your braces still be in when T.I. gets locked up for good this time? If so, you're fucking in there. King of Atlanta for certain. I want to take back everything I said to Yung Berg about being a JV point guard. This little shit stain is definitely on somebody's B-team bench. Speaking of ball, I see this video was obviously shot before the KG trade to Boston. Nice. Either that or homie ain't have enough allowance saved up to drop $200 on the new one. I hear the Swingman jersey is not acceptable for dancing in your buddy's music video. My ideal ending for this video would be to have the ghostriders fuck up horribly, running Johnte over, then crashing into one another causing a fatal 5-rental pileup in the high school parking lot. Then I bring a monkey to the memorial to piss and shit on their graves. "Ron, Why you gotta be so cold. He only like 15." ...Because I don't give a fuck. That's why. Plus, better he go out in a rim-related accident than have a second single that warrants President Bush finally following through on his much-milled plan to repeal the Emancipation Proclamation.