Tuesday, December 11, 2007

I Love New York 2: The Stooch In Review - "Girlfriends and Sisters"

Alright guys. Sorry for missing a few of these, but here we go. How funny was this shit? Before "The Parent Trap" came this year's "Ex-Girl To The Next-Girl" episode starring Tailor Made, Buddha, Mr. Wise, Frankie Goomba the Entertainer, Punk and Pretty. I don't think they could have dreamed of a more eclectic and entertaining collection of ex and "okay-with-all-this-fuck-shit-so-long-as-we-get-paid" girlfriends. I had 2-to-1 odds going that Mr. Wise's ex was gonna be a chocolate animal woman. She didn't have to fluff up his chocolate stick all unprovoked like that. In doing so, she revealed herself as a helper character. What I did NOT expect was Tailor Made's Jamaican bumboclot he married. Sure, you can like black women. Shit. A man ain't a man until he split the dark oak. The Jamaican woman, however, is an entirely different animal... er, umm... tree? As soon as I heard that accent I got flashbacks to getting my ass whipped in ways they'd lock a bitch up for in the States. This must be where his penchant for punishment comes from. He's all about the sugar cane beatings and Blue Montain Curry Powder in his tossed salad. Entertainer's woman was... sizeable, yes. No, she wasn't no 300-pound, half-Arctic seal-lookin broad. She was just Jersey. That's how they get down out there. Those bitches are at no shortage of meat-and-cheese pasta. As long as she's not some racist fucktard from the interior it's really all good, people. What was not all good was how homegirl dropped the nail that would eventually be driven into his coffin. There is no way New York is ending up with some package handler that lives in his parents' basement. "Nigga, please. You work for UPS." - Biz Markie "Don't be mad. UPS is hiring." - The Notorious B.I.G. "Special Delivery!" - G-Dep (now working at FedEx) Buddha's ex-girlfriends are all either still in the hospital from dicklash or have restraining orders, so his sister had to come out. Pretty's ex-girlfirends couldn't make the trip to Los Angeles to be on television because they were all... um... in the Astronaut Training Facility... in Atlanta. Yeah. That's it. So, his sister had to come out too. Keeping true to the "Flavor of Love" franchise format, New York and ManBearPig have face-to-face, woman-to-wildlife time with the contestants' loved ones while some special, secret, trustworthy guests of hers "interrogate" the men. I don't think anyone was surprised to see detectives Chance and Real on the case. We were due for a Stallionaire cameo, weren't we? High out of their minds, Chance and Real get the job done with interrogation questions like: "How did you get that scar across your lip?" "Snitchin!" "Why are you going bald?" "Do you strip, homie? Do you dip, homie?" I was hoping he'd expand on that one and ask "Do you spin the package around while you do your little dance?" While the weed cop/sherm cop routine worked on most, it backfired on perhaps the least likely contestant. Punk wasn't having any of that bullshit. He may be a little effeminate, but you won't be Punking Punk on national TV, especially when you look like Cam'ron and Jim Jones after the doctors told them there was nothing more they could do. Unfortunately for Pretty, he didn't corroborate his story with his co-defendant. There is a clear and cut problem when you say your mother and sister, whom you are inseparably close to, know every woman you've ever dated, yet your sister says she's never met a single one. Giving him the benefit of the doubt, that could just have been a situation of sister-girl lying to protect brother-man's privacy. However, the ties, the glitter pen, the bounce in his step and the sugar in his speech lead us to believe he's more than likely hiding the sausage if anything. Pretty's trapped in the closet!!! When New York approached the door to open it, Pretty pulled out his Beretta. "Pretty, do you know what time it is? I gotta meet my mo--" "Fuck yo' ass, bitch! Sorry, mama. Why the fuck everybody think I'm gay?" A nearly-outed Pretty wasn't the only one to pop off and be asked to leave the rent-a-mansion. Chance blew his chance at being invited back into the house by getting back on his Dipset shit. We all know the type. Famous will bark and fight the air knowing damn well he don't wanna get a mudhole stomped into his ass by one of these gargantuan negroes New York got floating around this time. Shit. Opening day looked like the clearance sale at Western Beef. Some of the niggas were even branded. While Pretty excused himself before the top on his Pringles got popped, Mr. Wise's sorry ass had to be dragged out in the next episode. Someone please explain to me how this man was able to get to the top 5? Was New York feeling his songs or some shit? I never understood his appeal. Ah, well. There are plenty more tar babies out there in search of the banana for their tailpipes. Too bad your "rap career" will always be affiliated with you publicly trying to fuck Man-ManBearPig. I'll hit you guys later today with the rest... AND what I thought of Snoop Dogg's Fatherhood!

8 comments:

pyreezy said...

finally, somebody cosigns with me on the gay punk shit.

Did you watch the ep last night? That dude was thinking about Buddha waaaay too much.

Yung Ether said...

i noticed some crazy shit a few episodes back, the wallpaper in pretty, and punk's room.....fuckin teddy bears in dresses.....i shit you not.

KB said...

He shoulda spat in NY's face after getting a name like Punk from her... Can't wait to see his reaction to her callin his mom and sister fugly is gonna be. Every time I watch this show, I think about how I could never be on national tv tryin to touch the chick that mawfuckin Flavor Flav humped and dumped. NOw a reality show to smash keyshia Cole into being str8 I would audition for (and win!) if I wasn't married.

Always an exercise in excellence Ron.

Plyah8ter said...

Im not watchin this time , wannan keep my sanity and not be grossed out. Ive seen enough though and Ron has nailed it again.
Couldnt get the spastic loser "entertainer" to say hed be her lil bitch though. Id prefer a bullet thru the head. These creeps need to remember the only way to win this peice of shit show is to LOSE. Fuck people are gross and stupid. OUT

Bird said...

What is killing me is how the last three guys are swearing they are in love with this chick. I think Punk and Taylor Made really mean it. Of course Buhda is saying whatever he needs to in order to win, which I feel confident he will. Hell I want to get with his fine ass.

pyreezy said...

Buddha is gaming NY up. Pure and simple.

Sahara said...

If I was forced to pick one coon for vh1 to give a show to, it would have to be Chance. I know he's full of shit with his "hold me back!" routine, but everytime that boy is on camera its pure excitement.

Ron Mexico said...

i think the stallionaires have a show in the works.

i have no evidence, no tip, no reason to believe this.

just a feeling.