Thursday, November 1, 2007
I Love New York 2: Fight Club
What is the first rule of "I Love New York?" We do not talk about "I Love New York." There's certainly been far more hatred than love juice being sprayed about in the VH1 Rent-A-Mansion on this week's installemnt of "I Love New York." My theory of males coexisting in close quarters more harmoniously than females has officially been debunked. The bitch niggas are showing their menstrual stains at an alarming rate, behaving more and more like their female counterparts on "Flavor of Love." I don't know if the producers have nudged them into this direction, but the season has certainly taken a turn for the interesting. I was wondering when some of these niggas were gonna start gettin slapped around. Right off the bat Buddha fucks up and splashes Taylor Dayne with orange juice. Shit, after that you might as well dig into his ass. The baby headbutt that sent Tailor scampering about the house like a 7-year-old girl when you lash her with the extension cord should have opened the floodgates for a full-on ass beating complete with assault charges. Fuck it! Get your money's worth, son! I was glad to see Buddha pin him to the wall and mush him around like The Health Inspector about to get a piece but... you get the idea. You open up that asshole, climb in, trash the bitch, spray-paint "Buddha Was Here," climb out and close the asshole behind you. After all that Buddha got the nerve to cry like Michael Clarke Duncan at the end of "The Green Mile." "I lost sight of what I came here for, boss! I don't deserve to live. *sniffle*" Nigga, you lost sight for more than three fuckin minutes. You been sayin that shit for the past 3 episodes! "It's to the point where my hatred for him surpasses my love for New York." I understand that's only natural. How could you love the daughter of the ManBearPig? She's only slightly more Man than BearPig. She's Man-ManBearPig! Still detestable and ceremonially unclean before the Lord. Which brings me to my next point: I believe we've discovered a new out for these men who've had enough of sucking on wildebeest toes and the like. When you're ready to leave this shithole you'll be associated with for the rest of your life, you can do so with a shred of dignity and without having to fuck a mythological Muppet beast by fighting! Ah, ha! Instant expulsion! You can't make me win this contest! If they have a season 3, I might jump on that bitch just to beat somebody's ass. There couldn't have been a more appropriate challenge for these guys than a damn fight! However, when they brought out the surprise combatants I was expecting Larry Holmes or Leon Spinks or some shit. When I saw a half-dozen female kickboxers, I about lost it. Freaky Deeky! Inexplicably, the rules indicate that the contestants can't strike back. What kind of shit is this?! I wanted my fucking money back. How the hell are they gonna deprive us of the opportunity to watch Midget Mac put his "Midgtisu" on those hoes? Seriously, I'm supposed to stand there for 6 minutes and get wailed on by some kickboxer lady? She's trained. I'm not. At least let a nigga see if he can keep her off him with a combination or two. That's only fair. Fuck that chivalry shit. If a woman is coming at me with the intention of doing me harm, she's getting popped in the jaw just like a nigga. I said it. I'll stand over her like Ali and everything. "Shouldn't have come at me with that curling iron." Psycho-ass Entertainer was Freaky Deeky with it indeed. He looked like he loves nothing more than to pop a ball-gag in his mouth and let a bitch beat his ass to no end. I kinda felt bad for Wolf. You can tell he got his ass beat because they were jealous of his hair. Not that I'm complaining or anything, but why were there 30 Muy-Thai bitches beating on It? Solomon Wise did 20 Pack pretty damn dirty, but he needed to. Up until today's episode, no one knew he existed. He kept getting a chain though. She sent Man-Man home for "not stepping up" when Wise ain't kicked no game, no ass, no freestyle, nothing. Wise's greasiness ended up being better strategy for the team though. His solo effort won New York's attention and he was able to bring Lloyd from Entourage right along with him. All's well that ends well, right? So beloved was Mr. Wise, the new "Whiteboy," that the original ManBearPig invited him inside the house, out from the field to eat some of the good parts of the pig. Of course, such generosity from massa comes at a price. As expected, Sister Patterson, in front of the rest of the house niggers, asked the Wise One to join her stable as a Designated Snitch. Upon his prompt and immediate decline, she uninvited Mr. Wise from the table and told him to leave his food behind. This bitch is not a good look for the church. Being that ManBearPig (which Al Gore has proven is real, by the way) bears no weight on the elimination decisions, I expected a "Spartacus" moment. All of the "Mama's Boys" should have left the table in a show of solidarity. "We're not Mama's Boys. We're New York's Men!" Again, nuances of the current situation notwithstanding, I expected such behavior from niggas of dignity, honor and character. Qualities you can't expect from a contestant on a program of this nature. With Tailor Made alive and free to work we are still blessed with the privilege of observing the culmination of all the worst parts of a man at once. I feel like I’m watching Ryan O’Riley at work in Em City. Tailor's latest and greatest hit? Let's pull a Wendy Williams and start up some gay rumors! The Salem Switch Hunt begins with Pretty. While I though him to be playing for the away team all season long, VH1 knew they had to drop that arts and crafts clip on us. “Glittler! Hey, we had a glitter marker here, y’all! I didn’t even know.” Mmm-hmm. Tailor Made is oh, so wrong... but he's right. Once again doing the right thing is Mr. Wise, who brings 20 Pack, the ring partner he shafted, along for the date with New York. He didn't have to do that. He could have enjoyed a day at the spa alone with his Chocolate Animal Woman. CB4 wasn't at all interested in anything spa-like. As per usual, this whore was hungry. As I've learned from experience, hungry hoes cannot be derailed from their focus of breaking your pockets to fill their bellies. She said "Fuck the mud. I’m trynna EAT. I love new experiences, especially when they involve eating. Oooh. I ain’t never ate on the water before!" Instead of getting to know this woman better, or trying to make himself more appealing, Wise elects to discuss how much he hates Tailor Made. This obviously backfires as New York appreciate Tailor's general sheistiness because... she’s a sheisty bitch. He plays the game exactly the way she did... with a splish-splash of Red Oyster. While Tailor is in the house terrorizing Pretty, Look no further than the 20 Pack for homosexuality. He kissed her like her lips were covered in shit. That's supposed to be the woman you really want? Mmmm-hmmm. We don't believe you. You need more people. So, back on the plantation, when confronted by Wise, Tailor Made tells the aspiring rapper to fuck himself. To this Wise responds: "Where I’m from, that’s an insult." Word, Wise? I see where the name comes from. You're intuitive as fuck, dude! I mean, it's not like "Go fuck yourself" is an insult where everybody's from. I wanna know what deep dark place he used to be at 2 years ago that would have made this scenario play out so much differently. Were you Ed Wuncler, or Gin Rummy? After continually jawing Tailor out from close range, T-Made decides to step shit up a notch. In an attempt to kill 2 birds in one episode, he pulls a Pumkin and spits in Mr. Wise's face. I love how everyone is like "Ooooh! That's what Pumkin did to New York!" Spit warrants at least an attepmted murder charge. Wise had a clean shot too. After finally sounding like a rapper with his 106 & Park-ready chorus of “I’ll murder you, son,” Wise looked Tailor Made in his eyes and renigged on firing away. Man, Tailor Made's jaw would have been across the room if that was your boy. He would have had to dribble on the next nigga. Having fucked up royally, NY Visit #45 intends to clear Taylor Dane's his regarding the spit. After barely dodging 3 ass-beatings on the day, New York almost beat his ass yet again. You could hear the pain of Cicely Tyson in her voice as she lambasted him with a riveting “You’s a dumbass!” and hit him in the asshole with the doorknob on the way out. Hmmmmmm. So generally being an all-around conniving cunt of a man is accepted and encouraged, but the moment you rear back your head to spit on someone, you're then deplorable. Damn this is a stupid, twisted bitch. The obvious drawback to Tailor's game is the imminent ostracizing he must face. His Mama's Boy roommates Pretty and Punk City did him like "Waiting to Inhale!" They had his bitch-ass clothes out in the garden. I hear that. But I'm no fool. They just used this as an excuse for some privacy. They can finally fuck in peace. Being that Buddha knocked himself out earlier, there was only one elimination to be made. You'd think the shit was pretty obvious being that Tailor Made spit in someone's face, right? Wrong! When this bitch kicked 20 Pack to the curb I couldn't believe my eyes and ears. I know that Filipina girlfriend set off your gaydar but can't you deal with that next episode? Doesn't he deserve to stay more than the guy who spit on another man? If I weren't embarrassed enough already, I'd walk the fuck out. At least Nico's now free to go back to his first love... Choroegraphy!