Saturday, October 27, 2007
The Salt & Pepa Show: What? A Man?!
That wasn't so long ago, Saltine? Was it? This week on "The Salt & Pepa Show." The girls try to find someone who can fill the void Mr. O.P.P. Man left in Sandy's heart and vagine. A charismatic older dude in a green suit and gold hat told me the two were connected. He also rambled on about "schooling me to some game," but he lost me at "best bottom bitch." Damn, you guys are right! Pepa is looking like a forgotten Jackson sister with that new nose. Fuck. She couldn’t do coke if she wanted to. That shit so tight. Them nostrils gotta be the tightest holes left on her body, huh? Before the caveman search had come to fruition, I couldn't help but think about what 2-years of pent-up Amazon freakiness is gonna do to that first nigga. 2 years without dick? Really? That is a looooooong ass herpes outbreak. The first date we witness is a double between Cheryl and the black Labrador she refers to as her husband, and Pepa accompanied by the first nigga off the Rikers Island bus. I know looks aren't everything, but this dude reminded me of my man from "One-on-One". No, not Shanice's husband. I guess a 2-year banana sabbatical will have you ready to fuck anything. Speaking of Flex... What kind of nigga gonna have the nerve to ask a question like this in front of his date and her married friends?: "Ummm... Are you flexible with monogamy?" Negro, you askin Salt-N-motherfuckin-Pepa?! You ain’t hear the interlude at the end of “Very Necessary.” I'm still scarred by that shit! She got AIDS forever! Not for play, play! I never endorse the notion of paying a matchmaker to hook someone up. First of all, this matchmaker they saw will only bring back all the niggas he didn’t fuck. Secondly, if you can't find someone worth your time within your extensive friend circle, then maybe that's part of the damn problem. You need to stop surrounding yourself with ain't-shit bitches and the ain't-shit niggas they attract. Damn, it must be hard out here for these women when even S&P can't find a decent man out here. I wish there were enough Ronaldo for all of you. With that said, Salt wins the "Oh, please bitch!" Award. She went to the matchmaker's office and turned away like 5 quality niggas under the guise that "Pep wouldn't like them." Meanwhile, Pep is at home trying to fit a fucking ottoman into her honey hole! Pep would have liked ALL of those niggas! Shit, Pep would have liked all of those niggas at ONCE! YOU didn’t like them, you miserable bitch! Pep would have taken all them motherfuckers on at once like Grace Jones in "Conan the Destroyer." What does she hook her friend up with instead? Oh, of course. The nerdiest youth minister in her congregation. If I were Pep I would have turned to Salt and knocked her the fuck out. She's probably sitting at that table thinking "I wonder what the fuck Spinderella is getting into right now." The funny thing is Salt got her Christian brother backsliding! He was ready to David Alan Grier that shit. His mouth is saying all the right shit, but his eyes are saying "Damn. It's been 17 years since I had me a nice titty fuck." The Devil had him ready to put his hands on breastesses that wasn't his. You know it was on his biscuits because he was like "Let's Talk About Sex" entirely unprovoked. "How do you feel about premarital sex?" Nigga, ain’t nobody trynna fuck you! Why you askin the fuckin questions?! You didn't neeeeeever have to worry about that. Salt, you done fucked up doubly. Pepa is a whole new degree of bored and lonely, your youth minister friend just went home to jerk off, how about you and Jesus take a break from matchmaking for a little bit?