New York Knicks Acquire Britney Spears' Children

By Ronaldo H. Mexico, Dissociated Press Writer NEW YORK - The New York Knicks have adressed their frontcourt concerns by acquiring Sean Preston, Jayden James and cash considerations from the Los Angeles Gigolos for Britney Spears, the remainder of her dignity and the maximum contracts of Penny Hardaway and Shandon Anderson. The move comes as little surprise to most fans. Eariler this week team president, coach, general manager and strip mall pimp Isiah Thomas traded for Los Angeles Clippers second-round draft choice, Jared Jordan. The move pushed the active roster to 18 players, three over the limit of 15 players. "This is a bittersweet day for our organization." the disgraced Thomas said to reporters from the podium at Madison Square Garden's press room. "We thank Britney and her vagina for all they have done to help this team." At the same time Garden fans are abuzz with excitement for a team that should be decidely younger and faster. "Oh, yeah. I saw James on the monkey bars in Pasedena while filming 'Malcolm X2: The Final Call'" said an elated Spike Lee this morning after the deal was formally announced. "I think he's going to be a force to be reckoned with on the glass. I love the hustle that little white boy brings to the game." Not all is fawn and games for the Knickerbockers' saviors-to-be. Fans and paparazzi alike are well aware of their noted troubles with the opposite sex. Sean Preston had been romantically linked to Klingon umbrella sales representative, Rihanna, while Jayden James has often been photographed around Los Angeles canoodling with "Heroes" star, Hayden Panettiere. "I think they're going to do well with the bitches," Thomas said while rubbing at his eyebrows "--so long as they don't call them that." "I don't really bother with all the talk of the romantic involvements and all that." deflected star point guard Stephon Marbury. "I'm just here to play basketball. Besides, there's no greater love than kissing your own sister and they don't have sisters as far as I know, so they don't know love. I do that to stay closer to God." When asked about a plan in place to resolve remaning roster crunch, Thomas opted to anchor the conversation to today's acquisitions. "[The organization] has some very difficult decisions to make in the next couple of weeks." the general manager replied flashing his $11.6 million-dollar smile. "However, we're already working on improving team chemistry. Zach [Randolph] has been taking child care classes and reading books and such. He's going to be like a big brother to Sean and Jayden." "S.P. is cool. I kicked it with him at last year's All-Star Weekend." said troubled Knicks forward Zach Randolph of his new teammate. "We're just hoping Jayden proves more LeBron than Jerome."