Tuesday, October 9, 2007

I Love New York 2: A Small Wonder

Is it that time of year already? This year's parade of bitch niggas was partially determined by you, the viewing public. The ringmaster of Dingaling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey Circus is a high-yellow Shane Battier-lookin motherfucker named "The Entertainer." Unfortunately for him, people don't just up and laugh because you're an octoroon anymore. He's going to have to put some work in to live up to that moniker. Also having a say in who gets his fill of free booze and board is none other than the ManBearPig herself. We're all aware of her problem, though. I saw it on an episode of "Hell Date." She ain't bring these niggas on for Tiffany. Nonetheless, Sister Patterson's collection of Banana Hammock Republic bourgeoisie will be crossing swords with GED Class Heroes the likes of "Man-Man" and "It." I know my nigga CBW must have shit himself when he saw this tardo really wanted to be called Man-Man. He also really wanted to be a contestant on "I'll Eat New York," but this shit will do. Either way, he been on the TV, so ain't nobody back in the projects gonna bother him about returning powdered milk he borrowed or anything like that. Homie is on his way to being a bona fide hood star! I can hear his projects now! "Go, Man-Man! Go, Man-Man!" Make no mistake. I'd still much rather lay my dick in a bear trap than let a cubic millimeter of it come in contact with CB4's skin, but she's lookin a tad less used-up so far. I know it's only an episode in so I'll give her a couple more sessions before we start to see that nice whore glaze of spunk and Alize. Her mama, on the other hand, already has a nice midseason glaze to her. This "Champion" fellow telepathically skeeted on her face and chest, causing ManBearPig to collapse to the floor like she was back at Pastor Blunt's church house being "sincere." In the process she exposed her nasty stretchmarks to the universe, validating every MBP joke I've ever made. Them stretchmarks couldn't be human. Them shits come from carrying and delivering a litter of something. Ugh. I think I just suffered the male equivalent of a coochie drying up. My mangina was NOT ready for that shit. On to the man of the hour. A reality star is born, even if 3 months prematurely, in "Midget Mac." I can't help but love this little nigga. He looks like a [more] miniature Big Boi. Contrary to MBP's bigotry and insistence that Mac would be trampled, New York is actually expressing the decency to give him a shot. As we've seen in the past, the harder you try to push a man away from your ho-ass daughter, the firmer she's gonna keegle her vaginal muscles. She is ready to prop that nigga up in a booster chair, have some strained carrots and talk this shit out. She even called him a "little person," which is more human decency than I thought her capable of. Either that or she just remembers what she heard about midgets and their disproportionately large members. The Darth Vader choking scene gave fair indication that Sister Pat don't give a giant fart if Mac's "third leg bigger than [his] second." Speaking of decency, VH1 know they wrong for not moving the camera down for Mac's testimonial. With that said, who the fuck let the man slide through several screening processes to get here? Every last one of those casting directors have earned themselves a special place in hell for priming my man for worldwide ridicule. Holy shit. I think I realize where I've seen Midget Mac before now! They're also going to hell for casting a retard like "It." You don't need screening, testing or anything to assess that this nigga got chromosomes to spare. Fucker talkin bout "I got the shapeup." Nigga, then what the hell happened to your sideburns?! That's what happens when you let your moms do your shit past a certain age. You know this nigga got on Spider-Man underoos underneath those Paco Jeans. Other man-whores of note: "Buddha" - I see this man as the frontrunner so far. Both Tiffy and Piggy dig him and he seem like he got some bidness about him. However, I'm surprised New York thought about the little fat, bald dude instead of weed. "Cheezy" - They should have stuck with "Jackpot." He looks like a strip mall whore's dream come true. I know a baker's dozen boppers off the top of my head that would break his wallet to pieces. I also think he produced "Whoop That Trick" for D-Jay. "20 Pack" - is gay. "Pretty" - see above. "Unsure" - I dunno, guys. I'm pretty sure about this one. This man may be related to Ricky Romance. I don't think he's had any intention on ever putting his plug into the socket. "Tailor Made" - Looks like a crooked bookie. I couldn't have said it better myself. Except, does anyone know a bookie that ain't crooked? He couldn't buy the black bitch off and I really can't wait for Plan B. I also can't wait to see his trick ass get tossed around like a prison bitch. Oh, don't worry. It's okay for me to say "black bitch." I'm not a white guy. Right, Isiah? "Punk" - Cokehead? Cokehead Punk? Punky Cokehead? I don't know. I would have found a way to incorporate the word "cokehead" into his name. He looks like he's been up for 3 days. If he could feel his face he'd know it was covered in sweat and S-Curl. "Wolf" - You should have never told ManBearPig you have a big dick. She's gonna nuzzle it with her snout while you sleep now. You can tell this is the nigga that only know how to do one thing in life... and it ain't handiwork. Speaking of handiwork, did New York really bring her Flavor Flav burnt dick sucking lips together to deny her titty job on television? Bitch, you came back with enough silicone to caulk my entire bathroom and you wanna sit up here and look grown people in the face and front? I should cut your nipple off and do some contracting. Don't you ever disrespect me like that again. I'm not a violent man, but I can tell I'm gonna have to be less than pleasant with this crop of poorly-trained man whores. Can't wait for the first challenge. Glad to see she gave Mac a shot. Tailor Made should have been ghost instantaneously. His approach would have offended a decent woman, but a skuntbag like Tiffany Pollard is listening to the flutter of the money machine, I guess. Can't say I'm surprised. Still can't make one into a housewife, ya know?

18 comments:

ChingDiva said...

I couldn't have said it better myself!

NormlWon said...

thank god Ron is back and uncensored....Kepp hittin em HARD! Respect!

c b w said...

First of all, thanks for the shout Ron I really appreciate it.

Second, shit on myself?!!! Shit on myself?!!!! I didn't think it was possible to get bubblegut, mudbutt, and food poisoning from watching a television show, but leave it up to Ewww York and her pet mother (the new endorser of Dark and Ugly Body Hair Products) to do it.

Man-Man...I...I'm fucking speechless. He's like the ghetto version of Boots to her Whore-a the Explorer always on an adventure to avoid mama Swiper at any cost to reach Brokebitch Mountain.

I say all of that to say this. I am not part of the solution, I am part of the problem. I will watch this shit all season long.

Ron, keep on truckin'

ONE said...

20 pack is the type of dude that wants to deal just to put sum hard n his ass.

If JD pulled janet, why cant Midget mac pull this broad.It was fucked up how they got the camera all high for lil man. Give a nigga a trampoline or somethin. But even more fucked up how they put the camera facing 'It'.

Yung Ether said...

well, what can one say about new york that hasn't been said about paris hiltons' vajayjay. I see this beyotch still lookin like levar from revenge of the nerds in a wig.And does this jizzjar EVAR open her damn eyes? I mean wtf, i assume she must be able to see today and tomorrow at the same time(wonk wonk what it do) or lookin at the bullmoose of a momma all her life done scarred that po child's vision.

i see danny devito and patra had a love child, lmao at a grown ass man wanting to be called man-man cause he's twice the man knowing damn well that's what his mama and grandma been calling him all his damn life, and whats up with the buff al b. sure, nigga had that gator from jungle fever look in his eye the whole show.

Anonymous said...

MAYNE YALL HAD ME DYIN READIN THIS RON U GOTTA BE THA BEST/REALEST MOTHAFUCKA I KNO. WHY THA MIGET LOOK LIKE LIL WAYNE N BUSHWICK BILL HADA KID? SHE GONNA KEEP HIM JUST FOR COOCH EATIN TIME. CANT THEY FIND A BETTA BROAD THIS IS GETTIN OLD ITS LIKE THA FREAK SHOW DATING GAME. N SHE LOOKS LIKE A WILDERBEAST IN A WIG

WWW.MYSPACE.COM/THAGRINDAHOLIC
FOEVA GRINDIN

PlayaH8tr said...

Oh jeebus, I cant take another season of this Bullshit. These peeps make me sick and I feel SO MUCH dummer for watching. Ron, Ima gonna leave it up to you to keep me filled in. I need to go wash. UNCLEAN! UNCLEAN!!! Yuk.

playah8tr said...

One of these biznatch's shoulda said " You can call me anything ya want, just dont call me collect or late for dinner." These fucking losers make me ashamed of being human. Gawd I cant watch. GO RON!

Sahara said...

ILNY is back with more booze, bad weaves, and blatant homosexuals than ever before. How fucked up does this girl have to get to do this show? I caught Tiff nodding out at least three times. I was gonna do a NAACP-style boycott on VH1's coonfest this go-round but since my boy Ron is posting I have an excuse to watch. Get Em' Mex!

Queen Supreme said...

Shall we start the countdown until Tiff takes on the entire starting lineup of Gay, HomoThug, or Prison Pussy? I say 5 episodes.

Ronnie, another superb critique. Get 'em, daddy.

Kristopher said...

I'm not even watching this shit a second season. I'm just coming back here for the ho by play.

Bird said...

I think you went a little too hard on em this go round Ron. The preview for upcoming episodes made the first one look downright classy. Clearly they thought the cats from the first season were way too tame because these new negroes are truly throwing their dignity to the wind to insure their spots on Charm School: I Love NY Edition.

Yuk!

Fierce & Fabulous said...

Ron you crazy as hell...lol Your blog is the only thing that makes watching this shit worthwhile!

Athena said...

i agree w/fierce & fabulous. i can't wait til Chance comes back...talk about a hot mess

Yung Ether said...

"girl, when i first seen you come out the house, i thought, MAN!!! throw some d's on that b"-homothug #7

best.pick-up.line.evar.

runner up: "girl you look better than a ten piece"-midget mac

naj said...

Don't ManBearPig have a...er...husband?
How you write a nigga daddy off like it's WWE?

I just hope your head doesn't explode with all this coonery on one night. Keep a copy of "Miseducation of the Negro" next to the TV just to preserve balance.

Key from the City said...

Punk looks like Terry McMillan's ex-husband Jonathan Plummer. I smell zestiness.

KB said...

As usual, ur witty words of mexicosity have me cryin laughing! No "Sleeping Bat" references? Can't wait til the one and thanks for all the wonderful hate Ron.