Sunday, October 14, 2007
2007 VH1 Hip-Hop Honors Recap
These niggas said "Fuck a BET Hip-Hop Awards!" The only thing VH1 gives away to The Negro Channel is quality of host. I'd much rather watch Katt Williams take shots at attendees than Brian Fellow either doing his best impersonation of a Hip Hop Infinity message board poster driving a cab or staring mindlessly at the telepromtper between backstage bumps. Oh, there was a lot of coke at this awards show. Kerry Washington presented the Missy Elliot award wearing a dress that looks like it drops down from the overhead when your plane is in freefall. They had my beautiful baby boo in damn life raft. The dress may not inflate, though chocolate deliciousness is flowing through it. With that said, I'd never seen that overbite before! That thing is marvelous. She looks like a fucking stork in an oil spill. The dome must be monstrous. I see you Tweet! Good to know you're still alive and apparently digging through Macy Gray's trash. Eve brought a whole sheet escape rope with her. That wasn't no damn weave! My only qualm with the Missy tribute was that they should have brought back the little white girl she had in her videos a few years back. Eh, nevermind. That little girl probably got 2 mulatto kids by now. For all the jokes I make about Keyshia Cole, let it be known that I love her ghetto ass. Pokemon weave and all. I made her a paper valentine back in 4th grade. Yeah. It's like that. What can I say about Nelly Furtado in that black dress that hasn't been said about Shrek? I wanna beat the brakes off that donkey. Seriously... Where did that shit come from? I thought by far the best part of the program was the New Jack Swing tribute. Then again, I'm a Harlemite in his mid-20s. I'm biased as hell. In case you aren't entirely clear on what you witnessed with during the Keith Sweat "I Want Her" performance, I'm here to help. I'd call that Roberto Clemente crash-and-burn disaster "T-Pain Exposed." Fear not, black people of America! Though your ears may never recover from the brutal cockdown they endured Monday night, there is a silver lining to the shitstorm. We need to gather all of our children, no matter how lame, crippled, lazy, stupid or otherwise defective, and get them Vocoders! Those little bastards are like Bill Cliton's dick. Go slap that shit in your mouth and be somebody! They should have let that Licorice Fruit Roll-Up Ne-Yo do the whole thing. That would have been best for everyone... I guess except Keith Sweat who's finally found someone who can't sing his own shit better than he can. I really enjoyed the Teddy Riley set, though. Kanye ain't never lie. Chauncey really black as the street was. I was a little disappointed with "Rumpshaker" time. Not only was Pharrell there and should have been available to help, but the hoes... Damn those hoes. That was the laziest set of hookers on coffee break I ever saw. The song is called "Rumpshaker!" Shake somethin! Do the wop! Something! It was like 12 bitches just leanin on furniture and instruments. Shouldn't one of them been holding a saxophone or some shit? Maybe they were all just staring at LL Cool J backstage. That nigga look like he slept over at Jim Jones' place the night before and had to borrow some clothes. LL had the Elmer's Glue and glitter for the shirt in his overnight bag already. When Kool Moe Dee came down the stairs I almost freaked because I thought it was Biggie. That would have been some shit, VH1. Since you're in the business of exhuming rapper carcass already, why not bring B.I. to the next shit? Give him a Monday night series too. Put it on right after Flavor of Love 4. It was really great to see Busy Bee rock live. No jokes for him aside from the fact that he started out lookin like he was running for the bus. Other than that, he really did his thing. KRS wasn't even invited, he just jumped on the big gay nigga's shoulders in the front row, jacked the mic and started freestyling. I think we all would have been far more entertained with a KRS-One vs. Nelly edition of Celebrity Deathmatch. See, people. Here's the difference between a franchise Viacom actually gives a rat's dick about (VH1) and their Negro League affiliate (BET). On VH1 you get Chris Rock coming out to pay tribute to Whodini. On BET you get Yung Joc giving a ringtone lifetime achievement award to Young Jeezy. You on HEYEELL DAYTE!!! I watched Whodini's little testimonial and thought "You a bold motherfucker wearing that Bullets jersey with no undershirt, and what's up with your man? Is he supposed to be a Muslim Genie or some shit?" I also spit up some beer upon listening to them cautiously try to explain that their albums were put out by Afrikaaners. "Ah, yes. The freaks do come out at night, Kleinbaas!" I love how the big dude from Whodini came out with half a cow's worth of leather on. The best thing about their wardrobe was that VH1 didn't provide that shit. They had all that in their closets already. All they did was go to the Saturday collection. My homeboy thought Bobby Brown was performing with them. Good to go! *does Taco Bell wrist flick* How could you not appreciate the 1981 danceoff?! T-Pain should be fucking ashamed of himself for letting some 60-year-olds shit on him like that. You're officially dead to me, Teddy Pain. Until my brother, Ricky puts your CD on in the car again. Then I have to like you for the rest of the drive. Really? A Harvey Keitel intro for "Snoop Dogg the master artisan?" They make this shit sound like Keitel's been rolling Snoop's chronic since 1992 and that Snoop has been giving Keitel acting tips. By this point I officially wanted to slap the guy at VH1 writing these presentations and testimonials. You know they got some pencil dick on it. I'll tell you one thing about NWA. As "badass" as many thought him to be in 1991, you definitely don’t wanna be Eazy-E. You wanna be makin family movies and chillin and shit. Pharrell only gets to do "Ain't Nothin But A G Thang" because he was once Snoop’s owner. I love how Daz whooshes up a penis pump to do Skateboard P's adlibs. I also love how Ice-T’s prehistoric ass really tried to C-walk. Wowsers! That shit looked like a light-skinned Al Sharpton trying to walk it out. Entirely worth the price of admission. Couldn't save the live performance by getting Coco to show her tits this time, could you, Ice? Doesn’t Ciara have a restraining order against Bow Wow? They let him perform? That's not a violation? I was fully prepared to bomb Phife Dawg to hell with the same crack jokes I would anyone else who threw the good life away on dope until I was informed that he was really sick. Damn. Phife Dawg is disintegrating in his high school jacket while Vanilla Ice is doing coke with Jose Canseco in an In-and-Out Burger drive-thru as you read this. Speaking of a hippy-hop world on its own head, Common starts off the ATCQ tribute set with an ass grab! What a confused little coffee shop boy we’ve become, Lonnie "The education of Lon-*chicka*-Lonnie Lynn/ be-gan, be-gan with time." I'm calling it. Common's gonna be the next surprise Negro celebrity doing a Denny's commercial spot. Nigga gonna have a bacon-eating shot and everything. Mark my words. Aren't you supposed to be hip-hop's bookworm, Lupe Fiasco? How in the hell did this man fuck up the Relaxation of Electricity? Bust off on his couch and give him Seaman's furniture! People have already asked that bloggers give him clemency. Fuck that. He ain’t deserve to proxy Busta Rhymes! The DJ had to save their tiny light-skinned asses. I ain’t letting this nigga off the hook because of “Kick Push.” I also ain't letting Busta off the hook because he rocked the shit out of his "Scenario" verse. I see he's switched back to the Tower Isle's beef patties. He's sending Spliff Starr to White Castle instead of the juice bar these days. Come on, Bus'. Now's not the time to abandon the post-blunt Carrot/Beet/Apple/Ginger juice and shot of wheatgrass. Q-Tip look like he was in the back doing coke with Mos Def. Yep. I bet that's exactly what them niggas was doin. I’m glad Black Dante had the decency to help Tip change out of the shit that had him looking like Isiah Thomas fresh out of court. Did they have to bring Consequence with them? Eh, I guess Spliff Starr can't take everyone's White Castle order, now can he? Finally, I'm glad they found a job for Spinderella besides keeping Kenny Anderson's dick warm. Fuck it. Better late than never, I always say.