Wednesday, October 24, 2007
I Love New York 2: The Empire Strikes Out
Tailor [Bitch-]Made has been a busy little hair plug this week, hasn’t he? In the mold of the great Red Oyster before him, Tailor Made has been doing his damndest to keep the shit pot well stirred. Little did we all know, he’d chosen to fuck with “the wrong one,” as they say in the ghetto. *snicker snicker* After Tailor snitched out Cedric the Entertainer’s Comic View routine to Midget Mac, he expected to see some Battier-on-black crime up in that motherfucker. Instead, much to his surprise, The Entertainer danced around the charging midget and ran up on Tailor Made all psycho-like. This is hysterical on two counts: 1. The Entertainer ain't want no anna with Mac. Who wants to take the risk of getting their ass handled by a little person on national television? I mean, I'm pretty sure I could punt him across the room, but who knows? Maybe he’s been punted before and knows how to handle himself in such a situation. 2. Tailor Made was shocked as hell that Battier’s attention would turn to him. Everyone else is familiar with the premise of snitches getting stitches, but Tailor’s heart jumped out of his hair transplant when the action turned directly to him. In response to the afternoon’s display of bitch-dom, The Down Low Coalition of Buddha, 20 Pack, Punk, Ceddy, Wolf and Pretty pulled off a pretty damn excellent prank. Using an old challenge card, they convinced all of the guys to stand out by the pool for hours like there was free cheese to be had. As per plan, Tailor Made and It stayed out all morning like some simp-ass bitches. If I had to stand out there with fucking It all night they’d find me in the morning alone. I’d have turned his buffoon ass over to the Klan or something. The real challenge, as presented by Big Gay Pun, was to come up with a commodity of some kind that would further the Tiffany “New York” Pollard empire… Hold up. Did this bitch have the audacity to call what her life has amounted to an “empire?” Wow. We’re really getting looser with the written language the longer we’ve been allowed to use it, huh Black America? Shut your fucking face, unclefucker! Pardon me for placing 20 Pack in the “Down Low Coalition” earlier. This man is gay as hell. The first idea that comes out of his sugar-crusted mouth is making an “I Love New York” iPod with glitter and sprinkles and shit. They’ve been doing that shit in Greenwich Village since iPods were invented. You can go down to St. Mark’s Place right now and find a nigga that look just like 20 Pack gluing sequins on pink iPod nanos. I can’t do The Entertainer’s mockery of business school education any more justice than Man-Man did. “He went and got a liquor bottle and put a fuckin’ cape on it.” Better still, he want’s to market this as cologne. It's a bottle of Bombay Sapphire! Ridicule aside, that’s far from the worst idea for furthering your emp--… Ugh. I can’t say it. Anybody who’s anybody is out there trying to hock some funky-ass yak piss in a swanky bottle. I love how the white boy, Cheezy, thinks Blaxploitation is the way to push CB4 to the next level. That’s both funny and genius on a few different levels. Shit. Anything is better than It’s suggestion of a home AIDS test. Wow. 2-for-2 on the stereotypes, retardos. Good work! Last thing I wanna see is It the Propylactic King on BET telling kids to Rap-It-Up because by nature I’m going to do the opposite of ANYTHING he tells me. If he is out there urging safe sex, I’m goin raw. Every time. That nigga can't even say "Rap-It-Up!" Did you hear that scrambled slave chatter that came out of his mouth when he tried to explain why he was sleep-standing with Cheezy? Jesus. When did “voluptuous” become insulting to women with ginormous ass and titties? Shit. It’s better than what they used to call New York. “Hey, nasty bitch with the big ass and titties!” In a strangely ironic way I’m glad Cheezy Tarantino and them won the challenge. I can see it now: “Did you see a sign out front that said "Dead Hooker Storage?" Then why the fuck is Hoopz in my garage with half of her brain blown the fuck off?” They tickled her acting clitoris. Obviously an aspiration to act is why she’s here. The plan just went terribly wrong somewhere and she ended up with Flavor Flav’s charcoal stick in her mouth. Sometimes the road to Hollywood is bumpy, y’all. What I wasn’t pleased to see is how Tailor Made played Cheezy de Bergerac. However, regardless of Cheezy’s role in the project, she was gonna have one-on-one time with the man whose dictate the best. Yes, Tailor is a pathetic bastard. A woman with some common sense would at this point be wondering why he’s so happily separated! His wife sold him to you over the phone like a broke down Camaro! I also love the nerve behind the challenge! CB4 talkin bout her man need be prepared to cover a magazine with her. Really?! I think what she meant to say was: “Any man who wants be with me better prepare to be on the cover of Black Tail.” What did Tailor Made think that telling New York he finds The Toe-Sucker dangerous? You KNOW that's only gonna make a stupid ho like New York want him more. I hate to beat a dead crackhead, but, it's like we forgot she fucked Flavor. By the way, toe-sucking is where I cross the line as far as what I can and cannot watch. I sat through Chance and Tango back-to-back sex scenes last season. I can’t watch a nigga come up with some candy corns in this one. I'm glad Buddha let out his frustration with the Tailored one, but I'm not sure how I feel about the fact that his "digsust for" another nigga "surpasses his love for [New York]." In principle, that sounds kinda bitch made. I gives a fuck about the next man, you know? Focus, Buddha! Bring that skank home! Tango ain't fuckin' with you, son! Wise hasn’t said 2 words on this program and keeps advancing. I almost feel bad mentioning him because he hasn’t warranted it. I saw the preview for next week though. I think his first words are going to be "I'll FUCKING KILL YOU, YOU FUCK!" It came as little surprise to me that Cheezy and Man-Man went home. If she's sending home two at a time, she might as well cut the bullshit and drop the ones she's not attracted to. With that said, isn't winning a challenge supposed to count for something? If this is how she's gonna play it, niggas might as well go the Wolf route and whip out their dicks... start sucking on toes or something. There are 10 left right? That's a nigga per toe with Midget Mac on the Della Reese pinkie.