Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Flavor of Love 3: "Bigger, Blacker & Skankier"
Do you all realize how much time we've spent on the Flavor Flav reality franchise? Not even including his season of "The Surreal Life" and "Strange Love," we've seen a 2 "Flavor of Love" installments, 2 seasons of "I Love New York" and a "Charm School" for the castaways. I'm really all Flavored-out. That's a lifetime's worth of coonery crammed into a few short years. I don't know why I didn't think stooch harvest could get any skankier than the Season 2 crop. Following recent market trends in reality ho television, I should have assumed the greasiest of project lobby boppers would find their way to the VH1 casting couch. I'm sorry for keeping you guys waiting so long to dig into them. Let's get into it. In honor of Black History Month (and Blent in my case) Flavor decides to "empower" the contestants by allowing them to choose their own nicknames this season. Much like the 40 acres and mule we've never seen, this chewed-up California Raisin far from keeps his promise. Only the light-skinned ones that work in the house get to keep their names. Speaking of slaves, it's nice to see that John Thompson-lookin molestin-ass Big Rick back. Ah, we laugh for a second, and then it hurts. I refuse to learn and [im]properly spell most of these names (i.e.: "Myammeeee"), so this season you're gonna have to just ride with me. I might just describe them by physical attributes or what I think they should be referred to as. Why is Flavor frontin like the big white woman ain’t the black man’s fantasy? I'm not saying it's mine, but every time I go to the mall I see Jamal walking down the strip holding hands with a girl just like Peechee but not even as cute. Jamal's smiling his ass off too like he just came up on a lifetime's supply of pork rinds. Maybe he did. I can tell the twins apart. One of them looks like she got hit in the mouth with a hot tire iron. Sadly, that's the one with the tighter body. Historically Flavor has shown that he doesn't discriminate on the othrodontically challenged. His doing so would be the pot calling the kettle "nigger" anyway. I don't know if I could rock with being referred to as a "Thing," but hey... you're already a Flavor of Love contestant. You might as well roll with whatever Nickelodeon slime they toss down on your head. Hotlanta is actually one of the cutest girls on the program. She's been through some shit, obviously, but she cleans up pretty nice. She's got 3 kids at home she's neglecting for this and she's one of my early horses. I'm gonna count Mylanta AKA "My Mama Was On Flavor of Love" as a top 5 player. My homie Diablo straight up called this next one. When Tik hit the screen wearing all them damn Swatches my nigga said: "Bitch lookin like Roz from 'Night Court.'" That's why I fucks with this nigga. He's the only nigga I know besides CBW who could beat me to a Marsha Warfield reference. I know Tik had to eat a lot of fucking Honey Nut Cheerios and send in a LOT of UPCs for all 30 of them watches she got hanging on for dear life by the last latch. Speaking of early references, before we got to parlay it ourselves, the producers and editors made sure to give us the "Shy" and New York comparison. First of all, Shy is a horseyface. You might rub up on her in a dark nightclub when you're ripped off of Incredible Hulk, but not in broad daylight and shit. I bet she really is "a fresh of breath air" like she says, though. She just looks like she got that chronic Newport breath. On the alone time tip, Rayna really tried to bullshit Flavor. He may have had himself a few coketails, but damn... I'm sure he remembers why he wears that effin clock. Bitch pulled a Damon Wayans in prison on "In Living Color." I went to school with a girl just like that. I could imagine before English class, she'd be in the bathroom just chanting to herself in the mirror. "Belieeeeeeeve the bullshit. Belieeeeeeve the bullshit." Couch time got a little cozy with the Oompa Loompas. I'll tell you what, Peechee had her big girl game ON. I gotta give her respect for having the courage to spit it like Flavor was any other dude she was diggin. What's up with Seesinz's voice? I bet you this girl is an R&B singer. If not, she just got herself a wicked portfolio piece for voiceover work. Shy, whose voice works over my nerves, needs to quickly learn that snitchin is a successful strategy on I Love New York… not Flavor of Love. Why did all of these hoes have a damn rap for Flavor? Grayvee’s weave is terrible and she looks like a dude I know. I hear her rappin about the titties. Foofy need to listen out for verse two where she talk about the dick. She also might have some ulterior motive for being on the show. I think she's working or KFC or some kind of chicken sponsor. Nigga fuck around and come back with that bird flu. I didn't wanna be too hard on Ice for stumbling on words. He's not exactly working with MENSA members here. Vanilla Ice might just be a “I don’t know” type of person. You know. Like how niggas start off every sentence with “nome sane?” I don't expect much more from a Detroit radio personality. Elimination Notes: I guess the damn twins do count as one contestant. I was wondering about that. The funny thing is, he chose the one with the fucked up teeth first! Nigga is gonna have to start doing gum checks like back on the auction block. This is a crazy precedent, letting Skeezle Dee and Skeezle Dum share a chain. I wonder how this continues to play out. Yes, Peechee. You're going home. Yes, Peechee. Your purpose is to go make BBW porn. Don't worry. There's a black guy out there for you somewhere. To the internet winners: Just because you had your whole housing project voting for you at the library doesn’t mean you deserve to be there. The funny shit is that Flavor really believed the internet fans "loved" him. I guess he's too high on that shit to know that NO ONE LOVES HIM!!!! There's usually a surprise cast-off on the first episodes of these things. There damn sure was not this time. Internet bitches, big bitches and underbite bitches all must go. Crazy ass Tik fulfilled Flavor's big girl quota. I'm picking Bee-Ex as my early favorite. She makes the most sense early on. Though i'd test drive the Bunz on the way. Prancer looks like a lame-ass Holly Robinson and could pull the Hoopz on homie. He ain't too bright. Looks like I'll be able to take a week off at some point this season as the hoes are gonna roast each other! I can't wait. We'll get caught up with the "Playin' Doctor" episode ASAP.