Hurricane Chris - "A Bay Bay" (plus Ratchet Remix) video

Here's one from my hiatus that we shouldn't let go without discussion. Sorry. This nigga can't get off the hook. You all know the single. Hurricane Chris swept the summer away with his sugar broom and infectious catcall-turned-single "A Bay Bay." To his credit, at least it's not a dance. Look at this burnt stick of Juicy Fruit. Dude look like Tevin Campbell and his AZT combo spent a little time in Jamaica. Who the fuck told Sweet & Lo he could come out with beads in his braids? Don't you know you look one of the fuckin Pointer Sisters? Patrice Rushen up in this motherfucker! Oh, what? Y'all forgot her? Even after she asked so nicely? Maybe he should have come out as Hurricane Catrina. I mean... I thought it was Da Brat at first. What is his homie doing? I'm talking about the one that look like Soulja Boy Told'Em Long Ago. Is that the fried chicken dance? Y'all know I can't keep up with all this shit. Damn, that shit got his eyes rolling back. Must be Popeye's. The obligatory homie dance clips are more embarrassing than "Take The Cake." These niggas really need to stop acting like they ain't shooting this shit on their lunch break at the day care center. Counselor Chris got that summer job crackin and is enjoying his captive audience. Chris: Hey, keeeids? Wan' hurr dis hurr new shit I done wrote? Kids: YAYYYY!!! Chris: Aight, dig dis hea' mayne. Yellabone chirpin me. She wanna know where I'mma be./ You gon' lemme get up in yo' mouf? Well, dat's where I'mma be! The kid definitely got himself some flow though. He ain't sayin' bout nothin, but I can tell he has an idea of what to do on the mic. He sounds like he's picking up where Chingy left off. I hear Lil' Cane's next video is gonna be the highly-anticipated "Celebrity Dude." He and Steph Jones are goin' half on that. I see Mike Epps ain't got shit else better to do with himself than reverting back to video whoring. Better that than another shitty HBO special, I guess. Oh, you know we had to do the remix. Damn. That little kid still up doing the hook? Ain't nobody put this little nigga to bed yet? I bought a $20 sack from him like 2 nights ago. Way to start off a remix. Nothing like a quality Big Meat verse. Flavor Flav, jr. didn't learn a damn thing from daddy's music, huh? I think Flavor secretly wishes Boosie could be more like Designa. 40 Water wasn't playin about growin them dreads, huh? Too bad he wasn't serious about his verse. Oh shit! What the fuck is this?! Look at Hurricane Chris' lesbian counterpart! Rest assured. Angie Locc is hollerin' "A Bay Bay" at all the same hoodrats as the rest of these rapster dudes. Shorty look like a Wanda Sykes character or some shit. If she "cain't feel her face," maybe her girlfriend needs to loosen up the leg scissor. Look at Jadakiss on the anchor verse at twice the size we last saw him. I see Sheek playing the background as usual. Where the fuck is Styles? Uh oh. My worst Lox-related fear may finally have been actualized. I think Jadakiss ate him.

DTP feat. Ludacris, Chingy, Small World & Steph Jones - "Celebrity Chick" video

I hope you all enjoyed the Labor Day weekend. I also hope you got a handful off ass on Eastern Parkway. Now back to werk.
Throughout my Big Green catalogue, I've been particularly kind to Ludacris. Not only is he one of the most vicious ever to deliver a rhyme, but the man has made some great videos. I guess dude is due for a Mexican shitshower. "Celebrity Chick" is one light-skinned, freckled stepchild's attempt at assembling a nuclear family out of the slaves that get sold 12-at-a-time. I mean... Damn, Luda. You'd have to look to the deepest, coldest reaches of the foster care system to find a neglected fuck-up the likes of Steph Jones. I'm talking "shirt-torn, shivering at the end of the bed with man resin in his fro"-neglected. Some real "Sleepers" shit. At first I thought all those years of sucking dick had finally paid off for Quddus. Speaking of sucking dick, it's nice to see bottom bitch Ching-a-ling back on the stroll. After 3 years of solitude, the mean streets of the rap game done sent Ching Diva back to Skinny Black's loving arms. Well, isn't that cute? BUT IT'S WRONG!!!! You's a loooong ass way from "Holidae In," little nigga. This is the strip motel that still smells like butt sweat and Vagisil when you sit on the bed. Consuela can't scrub out history, folks. Remember that the next time you check into your local mo'. I love the opening exchange:

Ludacris: You know what? Hold on, now. What is that that you drinkin on, Changy? Chingy: Oh, mayn you know what this is. You peed in this shit and handed it to me like 10 minutes ago. Small World: Uh. It got 11 essential vitamins and minerals. Ludacris: Just checkin.

Back to DTP's newest savior and horrible chorus man. This nigga really think he hurtin somethin lookin like Chris Brown's dirty older brother with no job. How do niggas with voices that weak get record deals? He must drink from the same can as Ching-a-ling. Chris Brown would kill himself if he sounded like Steph Jones again. On some real shit, when I saw the name "Steph Jones" I was looking for a chick on the track. What is the purpose of a cap that will never fit on that mess of shit-locks? That bitch just hangin on like Owen Wilson to Kate Hudson's "wizard sleeves." I liiiiike. Aside from being a poo'-putt mushmouth, this Small World nigga's outfit look like some starving toddlers in the projects tore open a box of Kabooms on a Saturday morning. --Which brings me to Question of the Day: Who the fuck does Ludacris have dressing these bitch-asses? Is Titty Boy on double duty or something? Sorry, these clown-ass niggas almost made me forget this video attempted to have a plot. Luda was like "If you want your weed money you better get your rodent-lookin' ass out there and invite some bitches to get tricked on at my house later." I know you have to carry your weight if you're gonna roll with Cris Lova Lova, but handing out flyers like you promoting the damn strip club is NOT how you get "Celebrity Chicks" to hang with you. Better put some coke on them shits or something. In an Appalachian State miracle, they somehow fill the rent-a-house with hoes. They then uphold the "only niggas wear clothes" rule of rap videos pretty well until Stephanie decides to throw his final "asset" on the poker table. Sadly, the pool jump was the first time that dirty octoroon touched water that day. Morocco Mole over there needn't e'er remove his glasses either.

"We don't die. We multiply."

Then we'd better stop pouring water on these niggas and letting them eat cornbread after midnight. Is this really what DTP has become? Ludacris emptied house and came back with this stable of touchdowns? Damn. Nigga better off with bum-ass Lil' Fate. At least he didn't pretend to be good at this shit.