Manny Ramirez Finally Set to Purchase Dominican Republic From Sammy Sosa; Has Plans For Development

By Ronaldo Horacio Mexico, Dissociated Press Writer TOKYO - After hoisting up the oversize check reluctantly handed to him by Ninja Warrior announcer, Keisuke Hatsuta, Manny Ramirez gave three different answers to the inquiry of what he planned to do with the 1 million yen. Today he reveals he was only "playing cover-up." What was thought to be another case of language barrier and sub-standard George Washington High School education has now proven to be Ramirez's attempt at something he'd never yet tried given his perpetually candid public persona. Until today, Ramirez avoided disclosing both his true agenda and reason for so hastily accepting the monetary award for MVP of the 2008 MLB season opener against the Oakland Athletics Tuesday morning. "I can finally buy the rest of the Dominican Republic now." Worth roughly $10,000.00 USD, and clearly intended for Japanese hurler and Boston Red Sox starting pitcher Daisuke Matsuzaka, the check serves as the final plantain in the mangu bowl of cash Ramirez has been compiling over the past several years. As of the giant check's inclearing this morning, Ramirez is ready to purchase the majority stake in his homeland from a group of investors that includes several current and former major leaguers as well as a few respected bachateros. "I figure I be smart with my money, you know?" Ramirez continued. "I could go back to 181[st Street in Manhattan] and get a big bag of [purple] haze, or I could do this." Most directly affected by the move is current majority owner, Sammy Sosa, who owns slightly less than a third of the southern shore and a small island he re-named "Tato," which is local slang that loosely translates to "alright." Sosa would not return telephone calls from media outlets seeking his reaction to Ramirez's imminent acquisition. "Maybe his phone get cut off?" Ramirez replied smugly as he stuffed his bleached and dreadlocked mane into a red, white and blue knit-wool cap, "I hear he having money problems. That's too bad." Fellow Dominican shareholder Pedro Martinez had nothing but well-wishes for the new majority owner. In a telephone interview from Port St. Lucie, Martinez offered congratulations and insight into plans for development on the island. "Hopefully he can bring us some more cars, pave some more roads and maybe finally build the canal we've been trying to put in place for a long time." Martinez is, of course, referring to the long-discussed canal that would finally divide the island of Hispanola lengthwise, separating the Dominican Republic and Haiti by a kilometer-wide channel of ocean water. Los Angeles Angels outfielder Vladimir Guerrero, also Dominican and a staunch opponent to the hotly-debated "SIDA 'Pa 'Fuera" bill, offered the following regarding building of the canal. "It's guys like Manny who smoke a pound of herb each week, don't share, have unprotected sex with everyone within penis-length and teach the kids to do the same that are to blame," Guerrero clamored through an interpreter. "A guy like him only need look a generation or two back to find a relative from the other side of the island he hates so much. It's not ancient history for him!"

Mets Turn To New York Streets For Pitching Help

By Ronaldo H. Mexico, Dissociated Press Writer WASHINGTON HEIGHTS - A day before baseball's winter meetings begin New York Mets General Manager Omar Minaya believes he may have found a solution for his club's pitching woes. Strangely enough, it doesn't involve trading for American League aces Johan Santana or Danny Haren. Minaya, whose surprisingly smug demeanor in the wake of last September's monumental collapse continues to baffle reporters and fans alike, responded to questions about plans to bolster his team's pitching staff yesterday afternoon during an appearance at the Mets' Clubhouse store in Midtown. "Actually, I am going to a series of very important meetings addressing our pitching needs immediately after I finish scaring these children." Minaya told reporters through an interpreter while cradling a traditional Dominican storybook. "You all are more than welcome to follow me if you want." The Mets executive then murmured a remark that best translates to "No sweat from my balls." Minaya led a handful of sports writers to the Broadway subway line, emerging 20 minutes later from the 145th Street station of the 1 train. After a brief lunch at El Caridad Restaurant he walked his ever-curious flock across the fabled land bridge that has become a rite of passage for now millions of displaced Dominicans. "Welcome to Riverbank State Park. It's getting cold, but you'll still find the hardcore Dominicans out here playing." Hardcore Dominicans they would find indeed. On a 30-degree afternoon and lacking traditional equipment, the gladiators of turf and concrete engaged without regard to the unkind elements. Rudelvyn Santana, whose 94-mph tennis ball rang up 11 inebriated weed dealers also earned him an invitation to a Mets winter league affiliate. "I guess iss the sang chee [same *explicit*], ju know?" Santana bravely questioned without the help of an interpreter. "I put Manny [Ramirez] on his ass right here last summer. Nobody see." The Mets hope Santana can replicate the fortunes of the Cleveland Indians, who three years earlier found a sockless wunderkind on this very astroturf. Most baseball fans are well familiar with Fausto Carmona's sinker. Most aren't familiar with his Wilson tennis ball or blue Super Bounce. "There are just as many Dominicans here in West Harlem as there are in all of Santo Domingo. I let Carmona get away a couple years ago." Minaya said just 2 days after trading top outfield prospect Lastings Milledge to the Washington Nationals for a plate of mangu con salami frito. "From this point forward I plan to take full advantage of my proximity to this overlooked wellspring of talent." Area residents can expect a sharp spike in tennis ball sales from the Rite Aid on the corner of 145th Street and Broadway.